My VENT!! and to address her??

Ok I have a long story... but basically, I'm step mom. :happy-wavehello: hi
I was picking the boys up from their mom's today and of course checked on my seats in her car (DSS1 had been riding in an outgrown convertible seat and DSS2 in an expired AOE). The EFTA had goldfish crackers all in!!! I was peaved! I take very good care of my seats and this just totally bugged me and has been getting further and further under my skin all evening!!
This is not her seat! It was supposed to be a temporary solution until she could get the money together to get her OWN seats for HER children! I mean I'm not completely complaining because giving her my seat was my excuse for buying my BLVD CS.

Ok here's the part where I need your help... Here's what I want to text to her...
Hey "lady", "fiance" told me to contact you myself, as you guys often misunderstand each other... I noticed "DSS2"'s seat when passing your car looked like it had goldfish crackers all in it. Please don't wash the cover or disassemble the seat but, I was under the impression that the seat would be returned in the same condition in which I let you borrow it in. If the seat needs cleaned may I please have it back so I can do so properly?

Seriously? You're having a fit over goldfish crackers?

They are far from the worst thing they could be eating in the car. At least they are dry, and will vaccum out. If you don't want them to eat in your seats, and their rules allow eating in the car, you shouldn't loan your seats to them, make them buy their own. :twocents:

Honestly, in this instance, I'd probably just let it go. Not worth it imo, especially over goldfish. If it was spilled juice or something like that, than yeah. It's not like this is a person you can avoid. People that allow that kind of mess in their car really aren't that worried about washing seats. The kids I nanny for have nasty seats in their mom's car. She never washes them, ever. Not once.

And, I'd probably ask their dad for the money to just go out and get the kids new seats for mom's car. I'd get a turbo for the 5 yo and an avenue for the baby.

I personally wouldn't text her over something like this.

If you really feel like you need to say something to her, then I would just call her on the phone, or mention something the next time you see her. Do you really think she is planning on cleaning the seat though before she gives it back to you? If she does, I would just imagine her flipping the seat upside down to knock out the crumbs, and/or just doing a quick vacuum.

I would imagine that goldfish crumbs in a carseat is the least of her worries or yours :shrug-shoulders: I would be upset if I was her, that you were taking a peak

That's just it! she wont buy her own seats. I asked for the expired seat or that she destroy it when I gave her the EFTA... She said no. If I ask for the EFTA back so she can buy her own seat she'll just put the expired seat back in her car... at least that's my fear. She knew it was expired when she was using it before. The other seat is a HBB TB, riding in the front seat. It was a temp solution, he's still sitting in it in the front seat... no GN like she said she'd buy to put in the back seat. The back seat has lap belts only.

And I glanced in, all I saw were goldfish crackers... I installed the seat myself, I've seen the inside of her car, I'm sure it's not all that easy to get out.
I'm upset about more than just the seat. But there's no forum for the rest of it!
Am I really overreacting that badly??

There is a forum for the rest of it, and you'll get there eventually.

But really, yeah, you're overreacting. I agree that if you don't want crumbs in your ETA and she won't buy a new seat, you should buy her new seats and GIVE them to her if you're worried about it. After that it's her business what happens to them. But really? This is her responsibility, not yours, and if her messing up your seats bothers you, don't loan them to her. She's free to make her own choices. IF they're illegal ones you're free to call the cops.

WhatAboutPuppy said:

That's just it! she wont buy her own seats. I asked for the expired seat or that she destroy it when I gave her the EFTA... She said no. If I ask for the EFTA back so she can buy her own seat she'll just put the expired seat back in her car... at least that's my fear. She knew it was expired when she was using it before. The other seat is a HBB TB, riding in the front seat. It was a temp solution, he's still sitting in it in the front seat... no GN like she said she'd buy to put in the back seat. The back seat has lap belts only.

And I glanced in, all I saw were goldfish crackers... I installed the seat myself, I've seen the inside of her car, I'm sure it's not all that easy to get out.
I'm upset about more than just the seat. But there's no forum for the rest of it!
Am I really overreacting that badly??

Click to expand...

I certainly think the goldfish are the least of your concerns. But, you're in a tough position. You're the step mom and she's the mom. I honestly think it's an even trickier situation than those of us who are nannies. Could the kid's dad approach her? And, is it a case that she's truly crunched for cash or does she just not care?

hmm... I DO have a cop friend... meaning he'd actually respond to the call. Not just blow it off and write it off as not a big deal... Or at the least he'd make sure someone responded and checked in.
I'll sleep on it. I don't have the money to buy more seats right now so I'd have to save up.
I'm feeling better now though.

The little guy was just so sick tonight and so not very well taken care of today... I felt so bad for him. I mean if he comes home in that condition of course the seat would look like it does. Sigh... ok, thanks guys!

I think you shouldn't lend things to people you expect to get back :twocents:

I'd consider it a gift to the children you love and stop looking in her car, unless it's to check on the install. Getting this upset over food in a carseat is over the top IMO.

To defend WAP a little, this lady is over the top. Seriously. Jessica, I see why you are upset.

Obviously there's more going on here, and I don't recall the backstory.

But about the seat -- if I lent someone a piece of kid gear, I'd pretty much expect that it would be used like kids typically use things. Goldfish crackers are typical for kids. If you can't stand the thought of crackers in your seat, and you can't stand the thought of the child in an expired seat, buy and give and let go of a Scenera.

You are definitely over-reacting

Texting over goldfish seems....well....


How do I say this....


Not like something a grown mother does?

I'm sure there is a lot more going on than the goldfish, and that's why you are reacting so strongly to what appears to outsiders to be no big deal. I've been in your step-mom 'shoes', and it is not easy and can be VERY frustruating! But, there are bigger fish to fry (pun intended). In the scheme of things, a dirty carseat is a very small issue, and bringing it up to her will most likely make things more strained for you, AND for the kids. Save your angst for bigger things.

My stepson lived with us full time from the time he was 5 years old. I would never have said anything to his mother about something like this. Things that I did talk to his mother about were...smoking with the car windows up and making his asthma flair up (not smoking would have been great), dss being in the middle of a brawl with her and her boyfriend, not putting him in a seat belt, showing up drunk to pick him up for a visit (she didn't take him). Those are the things that I felt saying something to her about.

Due to Judi's post I'm going to assume that there's more to the back story than this. But as a stepmom I'd caution you for future reference that text messages with anything negative are overall a BAD idea between old wives and new wives, that's a recipe for disaster! I'd just let the goldfish thing go. They'll clean off your cover just fine. More important that your stepkids be IN the seats than they be clean.

It's obvious that there are bigger issues than a messy seat. But I would not text her over any of it. I have learned in dealing with my DHs ex that texting is never the way to go. If there are bigger issues in regards to the care of the kids I would address them in person, or over the phone if necessary. Or have DH get involved.

If you need the seats back, I would try to find a way to replace them with something like an Avenue or Scenera so you know your DSS will be properly restrained, but don't have to stress about your nice EFTA.

At least she will use the seats you have loaned her. My DSD is not, and has not been restrained in any type of carseat (except for with us) for as long as I have been around. Since she was about 4ish.

Ok, I've come to grips with getting the seat back (if I ever do) completely trashed. The reason for looking into her car as I walked by in the first place was because she'd called and asked why he was RF when the seat said RF only to 20 pounds... which we've cleared up, but to be honest I didn't trust that she'd left him RF. Keeping the seat clean wasn't part of the deal, and that's my fault, my only stipulation on the seats were that the TB in front seat be temporary... as in a couple weeks!! And that the EFTA stay RF preferably with my install. I added my install cuz I took the expired seat out and it was probably 2 to 3 inches of give at the BP. Which I talked about with her and she seemed to get that it had to be WAY tighter (at least her current frame of mind understood).
My frustration last night was based I think on how DSS2 looked, his nose was literally pouring yellow snot, he had crusted snot from his chin to his forehead, crusted snot on the back of his hands and on his shirt and coat. He was throwing a tantrum when I got there and he was shoved into my arms (I don't put up with tantrums so he is screaming and crying and reaching for mom). He had to feel like crap, he sounded like he was so full of snot that he was about to explode. As soon as we're out the door (as fast as I could) we get to the car and he's stopped the tantrum completely and with his head on my shoulder is just kinda whining in pain. She said he wouldn't eat all day. So we got home, I strapped him down in his highchair and spend about 15 minutes sucking what he assumed to be his brains out, and using saline spray until finally the yellow was gone. He could breathe!! He snarfed down a days worth of vegi chili and juice!!!
I know I can't tell her how to take care of her kids, it was just so frustrating, and I think that's why the car seat got to me so bad. No, I didn't send her the text. And the reason for a text and not a phone call is because depending on her mood, she could end up turning the conversation into something else entirely. It's not childish, phone calls end badly, texts give her a chance to read and re-read until she understands what was meant.
The points:
*He's RF at 18 months in her car in a VERY safe seat
*She does smoke but, per request of their dad, she smokes outside only and puts on a coat that she only wears when smoking
*The tv's on ALLLLLLL day but only disney channel so at least it's appropriate

I must've really sounded snobby last night... probably still do. Thanks for putting up with me.

Poor sick bitty


I would be upset if I saw a child in such rough shape too.

In step-mom land, just about everything you listed is really not a big deal. This is one of those things where you just pick your battles, and make sure those battles all relate to the kids best interest. Yellow crusty snot? It's better to offer a humidifier, or suggest to Mom that you use this type of saline and it works really well, etc. The more you "demand" - the less you'll get, if that makes sense.

Thanks guys. I do pick my battles and when it comes down to it, the only battle I've address with her myself directly was the car seats. Everything else my fiance has addressed... And the only mention I've made since installing the seats was when I offered to have dad drop off cloth diapers with them everyday (she watches them during the day while we're at work) so she wouldn't have to continue buying PAMPERS and could save that money towards the seats... and that was weeks ago. So maybe I came across poorly. I usually pick my battles wisely, I promise.
Thank you for all your help... and keeping me under control.