help! how do I tell my SIL she is doing something wrong?

My SIL had her firstborn on Saturday. She posted a picture of him in his carseat and I about cried! The chest clip was all the way down to the buckle and the harness strap was WAY above his shoulders! The problem is she is very sensitive. I think she will be highly upset with me and get an attitude that I am trying to tell her how to raise her son or something because I already have 2 kids. im "seasoned". I dont want my nephew to be unsafe! I dont want to hurt her feelings or make her thing I am trying to take over or something. I know first time moms can be very deffensive as I have been there! HELP! I want to approach this as delicately as possible! I already feel like I may have stepped on her toes with advice. Does anyone have any good material I could email her that specifically adresses those two issues? She didnt have an aftermarket double headrest, so that was good. the baby just looks aweful in that seat!

Point out the good things you saw first.

Sounds like she may have gotten a seat second hand(since the straps were so high) and the straps didn't get "re-set" for a newborn. She probably doesn't have the manual. Maybe tell her you would like to get her the manual for her seat because it's sooo important.

Tell her about mistakes you have made(make them up if needed) that you didn't realize were dangerous until someone share with you and you wanted to pay it forward by helping her and the baby out.

Susan

Can you find a seat check event and talk her into going with you? Or find a local tech and make an appointment for you both to have your seats checked?

I had this same problem with my nephew too! My mom was babysitting him and decided to bring him over to play with our son! My nephew is 2 and a half years old! We decided to go to Sonic fo lunch and She said we could just ride with her! I got the turbo booster that we use for our son in those situations! He usually is always in the 5 pt harness in our cars! My mom was still struggling to get him in by the time I had finished getting my son situated . All of a sudden he starts screaming! She had pinched the inside of his leg trying to get the seat buckled between his legs! I was like let me see what the problem is! What do you know?? The croth buckle was still on the inside setting and the shoulder straps were about an inch too short! This seat was a BIG hazard! I got him out and took the seat out immediately! I moved the crotch strap further out and adjusted the harness to fit! Reinstalled into my moms car and then had her buckle him with the seat fitted for him correctly! She was amazed! I said I can't believe no one took 2 min. to do this before now! I don't blame my mom because she has no idea about seats and that's why I always install my boys for her or have her take our car! I hope my brother or his wife don't get mad, but at least my nephew is much safer and alot more comfy than before!!

In your case I would start with many positives like the previous poster said and then maybe talk about some of ithe things you did wrong with your carseats at first! Just remember that new moms are usually very sensitive and emotional, but you do want your nephew to be as safe as possible!

No, her seat is not second hand. I know for a fact because my MIL spent over $250 on the carseat/stroller combo and gave it to her at her shower. its this one

http://www.gracobaby.com/catalog/product.aspx?modelNumber=7B11CAD3&CategoryID=12

All I can think of why the straps were up so high is maybe she thought the baby looked uncomfortable?? the poor baby's head is drooped forward SO bad I have talked many times about carseat safety in a non confrontational way with her so I thought she would have picked up on it by now.

i cant take her to a carseat check point because she lives 2 hours away. We are going to see her this weekend, though. We would have already been to see the baby, but both my husband and I are sick and we dont want to pass anything to him.

She is so sensitive normally and if those baby blues kick in, i have to be ultra careful.

When we go down there this weekend, I am bringing her some samples of breastfeeding stuff (like nipple creams, lotions, ect) and some breastfeeding pamphlets. Does anyone know where I can get an easy to print pamphlet that addresses these 2 issues? Maybe she wont be so upset with me if I give her pamphlets and say "oh, here are some really neat pamphlets for some safety reminders and tips" ???

Can you talk to her husband (is it your brother or your hubby's brother?)? Maybe tell him you don't want to step on a new mommy's toes, but you want your nephew to be safe as well. I'm sure he wants his child to be safe & he could fix the problem.

It's my husband's sister. he doesnt even know how to approach her on it. Like i said, she is normally sensitive even before the baby. If it was my brother, Id have no problems telling him. I just have a feeling there is no easy way to do this without upsetting her. I want to give her pamphlets, but I dont just want to give them to her and expect her to read them and use the information. I want to make sure my point gets across clear. ugh. i cant tell you how many times i have talked about carseat stuff with/around here at the dinner table. my husband even jokes with her and tells her if she has any questions to ask me cause im on top of my game with this stuff. i even told her that I spied her registry to see what carseat she had registered and applauded her on the fact that she got a seat that rear faces to 30 lbs in hopes that she uses it to that extent. maybe later down the road convincing her to RF even a bit longer than that. Shoot, at her stinkin shower her and a couple of us stood outside and talked about carseat safety and the things we have seen wrong and how important it is to be very sure you are using it correctly. ugh. now I want to check her install. she's gonna hate me and say "she thinks she's better than me!" or something

hmm.. maybe I can say something like "did the nurses in the hospital show you some tips on making him the most comfortable in his seat while still being safe?". then tell her how she take a rolled recieving blanket to put on his side to give him support. he is a tiny little thing at less than 6 1/2 lbs. my boys were both over 9 and still needed a lil support. maybe that can lead into putting him in the seat and physically showing her. i could casually put the check clip where its suppose to be and say something like "nice and level with the armpits.. perfect! just perfect right there!" with the harness height.. how do I tell her it needs to be moved down? what if it is on the lowest setting??? i havent seen the kid yet and cant tell with the picture what slot its in, but it is awefully high. that carseat ok for such little babies? he was born 19 1/2 inches.

i just really want to be as sensitive as possible.

Here's how I'd handle it. :twocents: I would work very hard at finding other ways to point out how it's very obvious to you that she's a loving and conscientious mother. She's sensitive for a reason: she's insecure, which means however brash and rude she may get to cover it up, she really craves recognition and approval. Just kinda watch her and pick up on the little things. Think of her as a little baby bird, all raw and tender.

It is AWESOME that she uses the carseat. It is FANTASTIC that she buckles him every time. It is WONDERFUL that she got an aftermarket head support to keep her baby comfortable (yes, it is wonderful because her intention was good!) And such a LOVELY cover she chose. She is so CARING when she picks up her baby. It is so SWEET the way she coos at him. You just LOVE watching them together, and you are THRILLED that your SIL is such a GREAT mom.

Toss the carseat stuff at her in little morsels between all that. Oh, and whatever she's done wrong? You did it, too, and every mother you've ever met. The carseat companies should be burned at the stake for making it so easy for every single new mom to make this little mistake. It is clearly not her fault at all for making that mistake, because it's just SO OBVIOUS to you that she's a wonderful, caring mother.

Some of it may feel "cheesy" to say - we're not a culture that tends to say loving or caring things to each other, we're all just supposed to assume the people care about us. But we all need to hear it, and new moms more than the rest of us! :thumbsup:

ETA: OH, I forgot to add - it's okay to let her know your feelings, too. Sometimes it can really help to say "I've been hesitant to say anything because I don't want you to feel judged. I know you're a good mom. I just want to help, because I remember how overwhelmed I was when I had my first baby."

thank you debbie!

"we're not a culture that tends to say loving or caring things to each other, we're all just supposed to assume the people care about us"

so very true! just last night I made DH's cousin's new bride cry! LOL She thinks she was a mistake cause her mom didnt want her and put her up for adoption. I barely know her, but have been chatting with her online. I made her cry just by telling her a few caring sentences.

anyway, back to topic. I am going to try this this weekend. We dont get to see her a whole lot since she's 2 hours away, but we will be spending at least 3 or 4 hours at her house. LOL. yeah, i am parking myself there to get myself aquainted with the little guy! I am SO excited! I am going to try your approach and butter her up. LOL in between the butter I will toss things in. I hope this goes over well. I do know that she is very nervous about being a new mom. i just hope I can do this in a way that makes her feel good. ive seen people break down and cry when they realized they were doing something wrong with their carseats.

My approach has always been this (before becoming a tech). I just say hey, I really don't want to be overbearing or sound like a know it all! But, do you mind if I show you a few things regarding your baby's seat. And go from there. Regardless of how she takes it, my guess is she will listen to you.

tanyaandallie said:

My approach has always been this (before becoming a tech). I just say hey, I really don't want to be overbearing or sound like a know it all! But, do you mind if I show you a few things regarding your baby's seat. And go from there. Regardless of how she takes it, my guess is she will listen to you.

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:yeahthat:

I usually add when I give people car seat advice "I remember how confused I was when I first tried to figure out the world of car seat, it isn't the easiest thing."

I would just approach it from the perspective of having been there, done that, learned better.

I would wait till I see her in person, then say that you saw the photo, compliment her on how cute her baby is, then tell her... "You know, I remember when ______ was born and I just couldn't begin to remember all the rules in the carseat manual. It wasn't until another mom helped me that I found out the straps should be coming from below the shoulders and the chest clip should be at armpit level."

Offer to help her because you know just how hard it can be for a first time mom and you know she's only doing her best.

thanks for suggestions! I havent seen her yet and wont this weekend. I am still sick and barely have a voice right now. It will probably have to wait until next weekend or possibly Monday.

I would like a simple to the poitn brochure of some sort... maybe a print off? I cant find anything anywhere. I am giving her all sorts of stuff, so I can slip it in with other stuff I know she will be looking at. I am not good at this sort of thing

My Sweet Blessings said:

When we go down there this weekend, I am bringing her some samples of breastfeeding stuff (like nipple creams, lotions, ect) and some breastfeeding pamphlets. Does anyone know where I can get an easy to print pamphlet that addresses these 2 issues? Maybe she wont be so upset with me if I give her pamphlets and say "oh, here are some really neat pamphlets for some safety reminders and tips" ???

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Is she breastfeeding or are you trying to convince her to breastfeed with these pamphlets?

I know that I got really annoyed with all the paper thrust on me by well-meaning people after my son was born. Everywhere we went, there was more paper. And after our breastfeeding relationship failed, and thus I felt I had failed, having my SIL push it back on me... would not have been great. One of the greatest helps was finding out, when I thought I was this big failure because my baby had drunk that first drop of formula, that my husband was a formula-fed child. As was his sister. And his mother did not hate me because we were having to partially formula feed her first grandchild.

Is there any way you can turn it into something that would encourage her to look up the information herself? The only thing I can think of otherwise is a "Show and tell" -- practicing with a stuffed baby or something. But you do have to be careful. I still find myself lpulling back from thinking that because someone I care about is offering suggestions, it must mean they think I'm a terrible mom, etc.

oh, no, while I am huge on breastfeeding, I am not pushing breastfeeding on her. The only thing I really talked to her about regarding the breastfeeding was if she planned to. she said yes and that was that. then after he was born, she was talking my my husband (her brother) about how things went down and all that jazz. before I could even have him ask her how the breastfeeding was going, she had already told him that the baby latched right away and things were going fine. I am just giving her some of the pamphlets i was given by my LC with different tips, a magnet on breastmilk storage and things like that. She is a teacher and will be going back to work in the fall so I thought that stuff might come in handy. Totally not pushing her on it. more like supporting her She's breastfeeding because thats what she wants to do. SHe told me the other day she is unsure about introducing formula to the baby and I told her to let me know if she does because I have a bunch of formula that I have no use for. I am a SAHM, so my baby gets breastmilk from the tap and we have no plans to ever introduce formula. thats her business if she decides to go the formula route.

I dont think I could do the teddy bear thing because there isnt an easy way to do that without insulting her. I certainly dont want to hurt her feelings or make her thing she isnt a good mother. I am sure she is doing a wonderful job. I wish she would ask me for carseat advice, though. she has asked me several things about parenting because ive been there done that.

i just think the pamphlet would be easy to slip in there with the other stuff without having to be confrontational. like have that as backup for her to read after we leave. like i can plant the bug in her ear or somehting.