Conversation in the parking lot

mamato2

New member
So I have my 'list' of which kids I'll drive to the pumpkin patch this Thursday. I told the teacher, harnessed seats are prefered but if they use a hbb that will be fine (they are all 4 or 5 yrs) but no low backs. We decided that the tallest of the kids could ride in older dd's Husky so I don't end up taking it out just to let some 4/5 yr old use a booster!!
I ran into that child's mom in the parking lot, explained and asked if that was ok with her and had the child try out the Husky.
She first exclaimed '**** rides in a carseat?!' I explained that actually until last week she rode rf. Mom was astounded but 'agreed' that it was safer. Then she actually gasped when she realized that it's my 8 yr old who uses the Husky (she was thinking it was my 5 yr old).
She then explained to me (as if I didn't quite understand or know better :rolleyes: ) that 'Most kids use boosters, you know...' and expained to me how one works!!!!
C.
 
ADS

lovinwaves

New member
So, what did you say back to her?

This is where I tense up and don't even know where to begin. I have all of this useful and very true information in my head I just don't know where to start. I want the first words or sentences that come out of my mouth to be shocking and scary to the parent, so "they get it". Does anyone else experience this?
 

mamato2

New member
I didn't! I figured that she'd heard and seen about all she could handle already :)
I guess I could have said 'well my kids aren't most kids' but I didn't want to be offensive. Her dd is at least 4 if not 5 and IS using a booster which is more than a lot of kids around here.
I bet alot of the kids at this pre-school (at least in the 4/5 classrooms) have gone from RA's to boosters. Now that the MA's etc. are available I think the younger ones will be harnesssed longer. I'm hoping that these 4 yr olds in boosters will then remain in boosters for a long time, vs the 4 yr olds who get moved to a seatbelt at age 5. At least that's the way I try to look at it in a positive manner.
The way many of us on this forum think is SO foreign to SO many others and today I got a glimpse of how 'out there' I must seem to so many other parents.
C.
 

Tara

New member
LOL I love it...she 'explains' to you that most ride in boosters now *rolling eyes*

Yes, we are 'out there' when it comes to this extended harnessing thing.

I remember a few years ago a friend of mine, after asking my opinion on car seats, completely disregarded my advice and bought her then barely 3 yr old a bpb. Her 5 yr old as well. But her 3 yr old!! Yes, she's a big girl..as big as several 5 yr olds...but..she WAS still within limits of some harnessed seats. And she wouldn't even consider a Britax, she just gasped at the price, rolled her eyes at me for 'paying so much for a car seat' and huffed. That was it.
So, then she comes back to me all proud about her purchase...we were actually having this communication online, though we were real life friends. Ok so she comes back and posts a picture 'here's what I ended up getting today' I was like 'You got that seat for your 3 yr old?' She got ticked at me, but I really didn't care. As this was the usual pattern for us...she asks my advice, then goes completely against it. Then..oh yes..then she comes back yet again complaining about the previous incident. That her way didn't work. So I offer my same advice. It's never taken. She continues having problems. Whatever.

But that has nothing to do with the topic. Sorry. It still irritates me from time to time, in case ya couldn't tell.


I guess you could have responded with "Really? I find the opposite. Most *I* know still harness" Referring to the folks here online you know of that harness longer ;)
 

mamato2

New member
Tara, you are absolutely right!!! I just don't think that fast. I always come up with the 'witty' or simply 'intelligent' response way too late. That would have worked great :) I DO need to think of folks here as 'people I know' 'cause otherwise I only know (in person) of 2 others who harness past age 4!! :(
C.
 

Kellyr2

New member
Whenever people find out that Aaric is still in a harness, they just get a look of suprise and maybe say something like "hmm, my kid's in a booster." I just respond that really we'd all be safer in harnesses, so I like to keep my kids in them as long as possible. And that's also a good time to insert a little comment about how we'd all also be safer rearfacing, so keeping them RF as long as the seat will allow it is best.
I actually find myself hoping that people will notice that we use a harness. I hate confrontation, so I'm not likely to stop someone and tell them that what they're doing is unsafe. But if they see me doing something they find to be weird and comment, it opens the door for me to calmly explain myself.
 

Simplysomething

New member
So I have my 'list' of which kids I'll drive to the pumpkin patch this Thursday. I told the teacher, harnessed seats are prefered but if they use a hbb that will be fine (they are all 4 or 5 yrs) but no low backs. We decided that the tallest of the kids could ride in older dd's Husky so I don't end up taking it out just to let some 4/5 yr old use a booster!!C.


Dumb question, but wouldn't it make more sense for the shorter kid to ride in the husky?
 

thepeach80

Senior Community Member
Not of she doesn't have headrests, not that I think it matters if she wasn't using no back boosters.

That's funny, like you spent $200+ on a seat b/c you didn't know how to use a $30 booster?! :p Yep, that's why I have 7 seats, I don't know how to use some of them. lol Anyways, sorry, that's just funny. I can't wait to get AJ's Regent next year and plan on having him harnessed till at least 6, we'll see what happens there as far as kids in what seats etc and how many kids. :) Evan I'm sure will still be rfing when he goes to pre-school (age 3) and I'm sure will be the only in his class like that. I just passed out flyers in AJ's class for our upcoming checks and a few parents took them so I'm hoping that they actually go and learn!
 

kelly

New member
Dumb question, but wouldn't it make more sense for the shorter kid to ride in the husky?

I read it to say the tallest kid would fit in the slot setting the Husky was currently on, and she wouldn't have to remove it (for someone to then use a booster) if someone could fit into it.
 

Lys

Senior Community Member
I think the reason most parents want their kids in booster is because our society pushes children into independence WAY too early. It is evident from the time the baby is born- Is he sleeping through the night? Is he talking yet? Has he gotten any teeth? Is he crawling? is he walking? etc.etc.etc......
Then whatever you say back to them whether it's yes or no, they always have to "one up" you. "Really, well my little Johnny slept through the night his first night home!" My little Johnny stated talking at 8 months..... Blah Blah Blah!
You get the picture.
Honestly , I don't care what my friends, neighbors, other parents at preschool or IL's are doing.
My child is my responsibility and I will do what my DH and I feel is best. PERIOD.
Besides I kinda like being the "freak" of the family! LOL
 

lovinwaves

New member
I think the reason most parents want their kids in booster is because our society pushes children into independence WAY too early. It is evident from the time the baby is born- Is he sleeping through the night? Is he talking yet? Has he gotten any teeth? Is he crawling? is he walking? etc.etc.etc......
Then whatever you say back to them whether it's yes or no, they always have to "one up" you. "Really, well my little Johnny slept through the night his first night home!" My little Johnny stated talking at 8 months..... Blah Blah Blah!
You get the picture.
Honestly , I don't care what my friends, neighbors, other parents at preschool or IL's are doing.
My child is my responsibility and I will do what my DH and I feel is best. PERIOD.
Besides I kinda like being the "freak" of the family! LOL

Really good point. I never thought about it that way, but that is really what it is like. Just like my Friend's Nephew I have talked about in other threads. He was in a booster 22mths old, mind you they own 2 or 3 Marathons. My friend noticed my kids still rear-facing in harnessed seats and said, "My nephew just got moved to a booster seat and is now using the seatbelt. He is so big for his age. It's sad that Peyton can't be in a seatbelt yet." My friend is very well educated and has no children, so I don't blame her for what she said. She just doesn't know any better, BUT when I tried to tell her about how unsafe her nephew was, she shrugged her shoulders and said, "it's none of my business." AHHHH, so frustrating :(

I think these parents just "DO" what they hear and never really "THINK" about it. I know, because I use to be one of those parents. To be honest I never really knew why my newborn had to be rear-facing, I just did it. And when Peyton turned 1 year old, everyone else turned their kids forward facing, so I just did it. Knowledge is power, and it boils down to taking the time to research the actions we do as parents. Going to a CPS Check was one of the best moves I have made as a parent. I have just taken it to the next level, like most of us on this forum. Thank goodness for people like us, and CPS Techs. Just keep spreading the word.... :)
 

mominabigtruck

New member
Another mom at my ds preschool asked me the other day about his carseat (an apex) I told her that my kids stay harnessed as long as possible and that I wasn't actually happy with this seat and I was waiting on another bigger one (a regent) to come in the mail. She just said oh and put her 4 yo in the front seat of her car without even a booster. Some people are just so ignorant, out of his whole class he's the only one in a harnessing seat and very few of the others are even still in a bpb. It just makes me sick to see them drive off every morning.
 

scatterbunny

New member
I totally agree with the poster who said that everyone wants their child(ren) to grow up way too fast in today's society. :(

Hayley goes on her first kindergarten field trip Thursday, to the pumpkin patch. They're taking a full-size bus, which she rides to and from school every day, but the pumpkin patch is out of town by about 10 miles, on a rural, curvy highway. I can't help but worry. I'm volunteering, and offered to drive some kids, but the teacher said it's already planned to use the bus. If it were a small bus, or parents driving, I'd insist on driving her myself, but she rides the big bus every day so I shouldn't worry. At least that's what I keep telling myself. :rolleyes:

I usually just tell people what Kelly said--"she's safer this way (in a harness)" and leave it at that, unless they ask more questions.
 

scatterbunny

New member
out of his whole class he's the only one in a harnessing seat and very few of the others are even still in a bpb. It just makes me sick to see them drive off every morning.

Hayley rides the bus, so I don't get to see the kids being dropped off or picked up every day, but I could venture a guess and say that Hayley is probably the only kid still harnessed, and she's the second-biggest (tallest and heaviest) kid in her class, at just about 5 years, 4 months old, 48 inches tall and 50 pounds. I HOPE the other kids are at least in boosters, considering by law in Oregon they have to be, but I really, really doubt many of them ride in anything but a seatbelt.
 

Simplysomething

New member
Really good point. I never thought about it that way, but that is really what it is like. Just like my Friend's Nephew I have talked about in other threads. He was in a booster 22mths old, mind you they own 2 or 3 Marathons. My friend noticed my kids still rear-facing in harnessed seats and said, "My nephew just got moved to a booster seat and is now using the seatbelt. He is so big for his age. It's sad that Peyton can't be in a seatbelt yet."


I would have totally said something like, "it's sad your nephews parents don't value his life"


Mostly because I'm feeling extra ...um, not nice word today.
 

Yoshi

New member
... I want the first words or sentences that come out of my mouth to be shocking and scary to the parent, so "they get it". Does anyone else experience this?

I don't think that this is a useful approach, because personally, if I was clueless about something health/safety related, let' say, buying organic produce and dairy products- then I wouldn't appreciate someone telling me something scary and shocking- I think I'd react more defensively or not filter out the shock value and miss the point. I like to hear things kindlysuggested by people- not forced on me overzealously. The way I learned about extended harnessing was right here- on this forum- because I was researching what to get my dd since she outgrew her convertible seat at age 2.5. She is a very tall, big girl for her age (now 3.5- other parents at the playground think she is 5) I had no idea (seriously) that seats that harnessed past 40 lbs even existed. If another parent/ advocate/tech on this board had "scared" me or tried to talk to me like I was a terrible mother, I'd have gone elsewhere for advice. They didn't!:) fortunately, and I became educated to make a decision. Some people will never think about this issue like we do, and you can't "reform" everyone you meet, unfortunately. I always just figure we can be good examples and give helpful info, work together to increase awareness and do the best we can.
And oh yeah- Buy Organic for your kids!!!!!!
Tina
 

lovinwaves

New member
Tina,
I understand what you are saying, but if you only have a brief moment with this person (stranger) sometimes saying something "shocking" or "reality like" can really get their curiosity going. Of course if it is someone like a fam member or friend my approach is different. For instance, if I was out in public in a parking lot and a mom said something about my daughter facing rear-ward my first words would probably be, "Well, every child is safer rear-facing, infact we would all be safer rear-facing." But then I would say something like "what changed my mind about rear-facing was seeing some crash footage of a forward facing toddler versus rear-facing. If you give me your email I could send you some info on this. I am trying to spread the word about rear-facing." I was able to say something shocking, but yet not turn her away. This actual instance has happened to me a couple of times. I have met complete strangers that now have the resources to rear-facing and extend harness their children. It's a good good feeling :).

So "shocking" I guess can mean different things to different people. I was in no way attacking this ladies parenting, and she didn't feel that way either. I also try to let her know that most parents don't know about extended rear-facing, and I was one of them not so long ago. So it makes it seem like I am just like her. :) :)
 

rachel3612

Senior Community Member
LOL I love it...she 'explains' to you that most ride in boosters now *rolling eyes*

Yes, we are 'out there' when it comes to this extended harnessing thing.

I remember a few years ago a friend of mine, after asking my opinion on car seats, completely disregarded my advice and bought her then barely 3 yr old a bpb. Her 5 yr old as well. But her 3 yr old!! Yes, she's a big girl..as big as several 5 yr olds...but..she WAS still within limits of some harnessed seats. And she wouldn't even consider a Britax, she just gasped at the price, rolled her eyes at me for 'paying so much for a car seat' and huffed. That was it.
So, then she comes back to me all proud about her purchase...we were actually having this communication online, though we were real life friends. Ok so she comes back and posts a picture 'here's what I ended up getting today' I was like 'You got that seat for your 3 yr old?' She got ticked at me, but I really didn't care. As this was the usual pattern for us...she asks my advice, then goes completely against it. Then..oh yes..then she comes back yet again complaining about the previous incident. That her way didn't work. So I offer my same advice. It's never taken. She continues having problems. Whatever.

I have a friend IRL who I talk to online and had the EXACT conversation! She bought a bpb for her barely 3 year old and 5 year old. She is actually no longer talking to me because I made her feel like a bad parent by saying her 3 year old should be in a harness. If something I said could make her feel like such a bad parent then she has to know what she is doing is wrong. He still fit fine in his seat she just wanted something easier. Ugh.

Rachel
 

mamato2

New member
So, we had the field trip today. One kid had a harnessed seat (he said it was his old one I sure hope so- straps so twisted I couldn't get them straight and foam ripped up) because I asked for one but he really needs a new one- his shoulders were just a bit over the very low top slots. The girl I was going to have in the Husky saw the Parkway I had put in for another girl (who only had a no back )and her eyes lit up and she rode in that. The one who had brought the no back climbed right into that Husky and buckled up and was SO happy .
If parents only knew that kids really DON'T MIND and ofter actually PREFER harnessed seats....maybe they'd take the time to use them???? It seems that it is all about convenience. I've had other kids choose the Husky over their own boosters. The grin tells it all.
The little guy with the harnessed seat was the ONLY one out of 3 4-5yr old classes that had one and it's because I asked that if he had one he bring it.
Sigh,
Anyway we all made it safe and sound, not sure I'll volunteeer again though. We'll see.
C.
 
T

tutu

Guest
Some thoughts:
Even with people you have a solid, positive relationship with, one-on-one talks about child safety are difficult. I don't know if it's easier or harder with strangers. I think most people respond better to messages that can't be read as personal (i.e., PTO newsletter, school-wide initiative, newspaper article, letter to the editor), and that don't assume the caregiver should have known this information.

Still, because car seat safety is a life or death issue, in a one-shot opportunity, I will shamelessly appeal to what I believe to be the best or the worst in the person I'm talking with (guilt, fear, pride, leadership, perfectionism, etc), but it's my least favorite way of approaching people, and I doubt it's all that effective. Unfortunately, it's usually seeing some awful situation that prompts my desire to educate someone, and that's often the situation when a person will be most defensive.

Offering information as something brand new to you (e.g. "I just heard the AAP is endorsing rear-facing as long as possible") takes away some of the sting that people sometimes feel when they've been personally singled out. As a grandmother, I can truthfully tell people that I am amazed at how much things have changed since I was a mother of young children, adding, "for example, I had no idea that pediatricians are recommending . .," or, "I went to a car seat tech to get this checked, b/c there's so much to consider now," or "Have you seen this web-site? I learned so much from it." I think that puts me on a more equal footing, so it's more like the two of us looking together at information from "experts."

No matter how well you do it, I think it's just hard to establish your own credibility with people when so many people they know are doing it just like they do. The natural response is to marginalize the one doing it differently (the car seat fanatic, or the health food nut). It's so much easier when there's a critical mass of support. I'm not sure how to get that, other than finding a way to address the group, or finding someone who is highly regarded by that group and getting them to take the lead. I'm guessing this happens a lot in some communities where techs are active, and not at all in others.

Is it completely ridiculous to think about doing something like a walk for child safety? Maybe in Detroit? (Is already happening?) Walks for breast cancer, AIDS, etc. raise tons of money this way, but the main benefit is how the grassroots method (each walker approaching many others for donations) exponentially builds awareness in a much larger group. The trick would be staying away from blame and guilt to a focus on what people don't know that could save their children's lives. (The people who do know and don't care wouldn't be touched in any event, so there's no point in worrying about them.) Money raised could be used for public education, including simple mnemonics that could help people remember all that has to be remembered to keep their children safe.

To me, simplifying the complexity is absolutely critical. I honestly don't know how busy parents sort out and keep track of all they need to know and remember regarding child safety in cars. It's not just one installation - it's every time you take it out and put it back in, every time you put your child in, when you change the RF to FF, when the child grows, when winter comes, when you buy a new car, or use someone else's car, when your car seat passes its expiry date, when you have an accident, when you travel, when you have more kids and need to buy a new seat, or change how they are configured in the car, when you have loose objects in the car, etc, etc. I kind of enjoy learning all this and knowing I'm doing a good job, but for most people, I imagine it's just an important chore, and the more easily and quickly it can be done, the better. Right now, it's not easy and it's usually not quick to really learn how to safely secure your child.
 

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