mommy advice wanted

crystal vowell

New member
Since this is a safety forum and everybody has kids can anybone give me some advice?My daughter is 10 months old I am a single mother and my problem is my daughter never gives me a break.Every time I have a day off there is not 1 thing I can do without her screaming and crying bloody murder.My daughter refuses to let anybody else do anything with her while I am present.Today it was nap time and I needed a shower so I put her in her crib to let her cry it out usually she will not go to sleep unless she is rocked. Is this all normal until she reaches a certain age?I am sure it willl get better but how do I do anything in the meantime.Thanks in advance for any suggestions.
 
ADS

becca011906

Senior Community Member
well the way i raise my kids is very AP (attachment parenting) i answer my childrens needs... I also practice lots of natral pareting styles as well. i have three and it can be tricky at times but when i had one it was so much easier! LOL My kids didn't go to sleep on their own till oh lets see ds is 6 so about 4.5 years old. uptill then i would lay with him to get him to sleep... my girls are 4.5 and 2, they still co sleep (sleep in bed with me and dh). My yongest still nurses to sleep at nap and night time. The way i see it if i don't answer my childrens needs as soon as i can and not make them wait it out or cry it out, ect then they will learn that they can depend on me and that is something that will carry through their whole lives. Lets see i delayed vacinating my kids till after their 2nd birthdays, i didn't give them mushed stuff to eat (they started table foods about 11-15months old), I used cloth diapers for about 1.5 years on all of them, i could got on and on but these are just some examples...
I would say at 10 months old and child is still so so so dependent on you especially if you are a single mom...
As for getting things doen in mean time... at 10 months old i coudl only take a showere if i took dd with me, no big deal she needs a bath anyways! LOL also a sling or carrier helped me out a lot, if she wanted to be carried and i needed to do dishes then she was straped on my back...
 

Lara

New member
Its hard, I know. I'm a single mommy too. My dd did that for a while at about that age. I think its just one of those phases, it will pass. I suggest getting a good carrier so you can have her close to you while you do stuff. I got a babyhawk mei tai (www.babyhawk.com), and it was a life saver for me. I was able to put her on my back and do dishes, clean, basically whatever I wanted without her crying for me. I still use it to this day and she is 29 months. There are patterns out there to make them too, its pretty easy from what I hear (and also would be cheaper.) I would also bring her in the shower with me with a few tub toys. She loved it that, and the toys normally kept her occupied so I coud shower.

Lara

Momma to Kamryn- 29 months, rf in a scenera, soon to be a zebra marathon.
 

lovinwaves

New member
My dd was never really "attached" to me like that. I always wondered if it was because I never really left her. She is literally with me 24/7. Now my 12 month old boy seems to have more of an "attaching personality"(if that makes sense). He is also with me 24/7 since birth, but if I leave the room he cries like I am leaving him forever. It is frustrating, but hang in there it will get better. I think it also depends on their personality(like in my case). But, lately me and DH have left them here and there for a couple of hours with Memaw and Papa and I have noticed a difference in them. They seemed to be clingey after we got home, but then that went away after a day or so. I feel if she is crying for you, then she needs you. I know it is frustrating, trust me I understand), but just remember how fast they grow up. Every poster above has given some great ideas!! The sling or carrier idea or I bring some toys in the bathroom when I am in the shower. Showers should be peaceful "mommy" times. Not stressful times worrying if your little one is screaming in the other room. I have found I take longer and more stress reliever showers if they are right there playing.

If you are interested in learning more about "attachment parenting", La Leche League has some books on it. You can find them in your local library. In the meantime good luck, and remember YOU are not ALONE! ;) :D
 

Simplysomething

New member
Is this all normal until she reaches a certain age?I am sure it willl get better but how do I do anything in the meantime.Thanks in advance for any suggestions.

Well, yeah babies are a bit clingy at this age. It will end, eventually. Do you mind if I PM you?

Btw, I'd go absolutely bonkers if it took until age 4 to get my children to go to sleep without help.

(edited the 6 to a 4)
 
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Yoshi

New member
I think it really depends a lot on your baby's personality and whether you are with your child 24/7. Some children are more demanding of your time and attention and others are less so. As they become more mobile, they tend to seek a bit more independence, but if your DD is "clingy" she just may "be" that way- and co-sleeping, sling-wearing, holding them all the time may or may not help you-but certainly if you are up for it- you can give those things a try.

I had two totally different types of kids, so I know what both are like- the demanding ones definitely wear you out and you DO need a break sometimes!

Since you are a single parent, I know it is hard because you need a bit of space sometimes, but you are the center of her universe right now. This will not always be the case. The years really do pass so quickly- my son is now almost 18!!!!! he is going to college next year.

Do you have any single parent support group/network in you area?
 

gwenvet

New member
It must be so hard to be a single parent with no one to take over when things get rough or even for some alone time to hear yourself think. I am amazed how single parents do it! Attachment parenting was not for me and maybe it's my boys personalities but they have always been confident to explore on their own and to entertain themselves for periods of time. That doesn't help you any but I can suggest a book that I think is brilliant. It's Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child (or something similar) by Dr. Mark Weissbluth. It' an easy read and gives many options of how to do things depending on what camp you fall in, but will give you the tools necessary to help your daughter learn how to fall asleep on her own.
I give this book to all my friends who are having babies, as I truly believe that it is really two gifts in one...one for the babies who learn the gift of good sleep habits for a lifetime and one for the parent who benefits from this and gets more sleep too. From what I've read, heard from friends and learned from having my 2, the longer you wait, the harder it is to get them to be able to sleep on their own. When sleep training, I never let mine cry for more than 20 min and it really only lasts for a few days and gets shorter every day. They learn quickly! Best of luck!
 

gwenvet

New member
OK, I had to repost because I just put my 12mo down for is afternoon nap and realized that I had given the impression that I just plop him in the crib and say go to sleep. We do have a bedtime routine for naps and nightime, (blottle while rocking for 10-15min, with the quite music on the dark shades drawn and his favorite blankee). He is usually well on his way to sleeping when I put him in the crib but like today he sat back up and looked at me while I said night night and walked out of the room. Then he is able to go to sleep on his own but on occasions when he's not I will go in the room once to say it's time to go to sleep and give him a hug. Worse comes to worse, he will hang out in his crib for a hour of quiet time (not crying) or if he does cry, I will let him cry himself to sleep if he falls asleep within about 20min. I've been told never to punish them by sending them to their beds as it should always be associated with nice things. At some point I really did have to do sleep training with my older one but it really did only take 3-5 days. Good luck again.:)
 

crystal vowell

New member
I think my biggest problem is I have to send my dd to daycare 5 days a week.Even with me working 5 days a week I can barely make it I am lucky to get 25 hours a week.I think she just really misses me because she has never met her dad (his choice) & his parents do not care to help me or see their grandaughter.My mom will only watch her 2 days a week max so I can work.
 

lovinwaves

New member
I think my biggest problem is I have to send my dd to daycare 5 days a week.Even with me working 5 days a week I can barely make it I am lucky to get 25 hours a week.I think she just really misses me because she has never met her dad (his choice) & his parents do not care to help me or see their grandaughter.My mom will only watch her 2 days a week max so I can work.

Well, you just have to do whatcha have to do. You are doing everything you can right now for her. Someday later in life she will see that and appreciate that. So just make every minute count when she is with you. Maybe you could have a friend her family member come over for a bit when you need a little "me" time. I have some fam that comes over during the day sometimes for 30 minutes just so I can do laundry, take a shower, or clean out the car. We all need outlets. You need an especially big outlet because you are doing "IT ALL". Again, hang in there and just remember you are there, you are her mother (noone can replace that), and you are doing the best that you can!!!;) Like the above poster said about "stages", she will get older and become more independent. I would rather my children want my attention then not. She obviously loves her mommy and just wants some "snuggles" here and there! :D

Someone above mentioned a support group or mommy group. Maybe you could find a local one where there are some young single mommies going through the same thing you are. I know at least for me, it helps to just know I'm not the only one experiencing these "things". I love talking to other moms so I can relate, and it makes me feel better.
 

Jeanum

Admin - CPS Technician Emeritus
Staff member
My first baby was very high needs and demanded constant contact/attention and she still tends to be sort of this way at almost age 5. She was a classic case of the high needs baby discussed in the "Fussy Baby Book" by Dr. Sears. The sling/carrier and taking her into the tub/shower were life savers for me or else I would have gone completely bonkers. ;) I'm a SAHM and wore her for naps or napped with her in a recliner until she was over 2 years old, and also rocked her to sleep at bedtime. Any attempt to tuck her into bed awake was futile and miserable for all of us until she was about 2.5. She transitioned to going to sleep on her own basically by telling me "I go to bed myself" and that was that, lol.

Her 15 month old baby sister is much mellower personality-wise but the baby still nurses to sleep for naps and usually stays on my lap or I wear her for naps. Otherwise she won't nap on her own unless she's in the car. She will go down to sleep on her own at bedtime after her last nursing of the evening if nursing hasn't already lulled her to sleep.

I hope you're able to work out something. Baby wearing and accepting any help from extended family were life savers for me. DH travels for work at times and I've had small doses of single motherhood when he's away. As a PP said, just keep in mind that they're only little for a relatively short time and this too shall pass. :)
 

Lea_Ontario

Well-known member
well the way i raise my kids is very AP (attachment parenting) i answer my childrens needs... I also practice lots of natral pareting styles as well. i have three and it can be tricky at times but when i had one it was so much easier! LOL My kids didn't go to sleep on their own till oh lets see ds is 6 so about 4.5 years old. uptill then i would lay with him to get him to sleep... my girls are 4.5 and 2, they still co sleep (sleep in bed with me and dh). My yongest still nurses to sleep at nap and night time. The way i see it if i don't answer my childrens needs as soon as i can and not make them wait it out or cry it out, ect then they will learn that they can depend on me and that is something that will carry through their whole lives. Lets see i delayed vacinating my kids till after their 2nd birthdays, i didn't give them mushed stuff to eat (they started table foods about 11-15months old), I used cloth diapers for about 1.5 years on all of them, i could got on and on but these are just some examples...
I would say at 10 months old and child is still so so so dependent on you especially if you are a single mom...
As for getting things doen in mean time... at 10 months old i coudl only take a showere if i took dd with me, no big deal she needs a bath anyways! LOL also a sling or carrier helped me out a lot, if she wanted to be carried and i needed to do dishes then she was straped on my back...


That sounds very much like our home !

DS started going to sleep on his own somewhere between 2 and 4 years old, but it was a gradual process. Some nights he would, some nights not. It wasn't consistent until very recently, and he still wakes in the night at least a few times a week (at which point, DH goes in with him for the last few hours).

DD - at 2 - still nurses before sleep, and I lay with her. Once the new baby comes, she'll start into the gradual process to falling asleep alone the same way her older brother did too. She comes into the family bed between midnight and 2am pretty much every night right now.

Showering - nope. I take baths, and often have at least one child with me still *lol* I just make sure I wash my hair first, or if I need an alone-time shower, I do it after I know both my kids are asleep.

I would not have survived my children's infancy times without our slings though - as both were very much in-arms babies. They basically lived in arms until they were walking - then it slowed down as they learned to explore.
 

Lara

New member
http://www.babyhawk.com/ try that one, I think it didn't work because of the parenthesies (sp?). My dd is 28 ish lbs, and I can still comfortably carry her in mine.

Or http://www.kozycarrier.homestead.com/ Here is another awesome mei tai (like the baby hawk).

There is a slight learning curve with the ties and stuff, but once you do it a few times, its easy.

Lara

Momma to Kamryn- rf in a scenera, soon to be zebra marathon
 

becca011906

Senior Community Member
Slings i know just a little bit about... there is forum simalar to this www.thebabywearer.com that will give you TONS of links and a review section that will help you out as well... my fav is www.kozycarrier.com but that's a little pricey some times these work well for all day long carry, ect... www.hotslings.com is a good carrier too, for short trips in and out of the store/car/ ect. then there is a ring sling www.zolowear.com that will show you how they look, these again are pricey but you can wear the baby almost all day long w/ little discomfort! HTH!! :)
 

Lys

Senior Community Member
I also wanted to add that I know how to make Mei Tei carriers myself and as a former single mom ( I know how hard it is!) I would be happy to make one for you for a small fee to cover my materials and time.
I made one for a friend of mine for $25!
Just PM me if you're interested!
 

UlrikeDG

Admin - CPS Technician Emeritus
I haven't read any of the other responses, but I want to say that my DD who was like that actually had food allergies. She was screaming all the time because she was in pain. She was breastfed, so I was able to modify my diet to avoid the allergens. She remained a "high needs" baby, but things got much better.
 

ajweeks

New member
You can go to http://www.thebabywearer.com/ to learn about different types of slings. They also have a forum where you can ask questions and also buy used slings from people.

I loved carrying my daughter in a ring sling on my hip at that age. Pouches also work well too, but I liked the adjustability of a ring sling. Mei Tais are also nice, but I didn't like tying them all the time. I love my Ergo for carrying her on my back, and I still use this one a lot and she is 2.
 

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