Vent Mom at preschool not buckling infant safely

S&JsMom · Feb 28, 2009

A mom at my DS's preschool is not buckling her DD safely. The baby is in an infant car seat, wearing a huge bulky snowsuit, and apparently with the snowsuit the straps are so tight that she is only using the chest clip and not buckling the bottom.

I sort of know the mom because my DS was in her DD's class last year, they are in different classes this year, but we pass their classroom on the way to ours and I see the baby insecurely strapped in the stroller on a stroller frame (and asleep, so I doubt that she just unbuckled for the trip into school). English is not her first language.

Earlier in the winter we were in the elevator together, she also had the straps super loose, and I said, "Oh, snow suits are really just so bulky that they aren't great for using in car seats. I put my little guy just in a fleece jacket and cover him with a blanket and he seems to be pretty toasty. It might be a pain to get the straps tight, but it really is safest." She agreed that the snow suit was a pain.

Well now a few months later the straps were tight, but not buckled. The baby is probably 7 months old. I don't know quite what to do. I don't see her everyday and the times I saw the baby unbuckled, the stroller (and baby) were in the hall and she was just inside the classroom (door was open). It would have been awkward for me to pull her aside to talk with her. Also, I just don't know what to say at this point. Suggestions? Something that I could print out and just stick in her cubby anonymously? Thanks.

Wineaux · Feb 28, 2009

The infant is not properly restrained as required by law. If she won't listen to reason, call 911 on her just as she drives away and have a police officer reason with her...

S&JsMom · Feb 28, 2009

To be honest, I think she just might not know. I have tried to subtly tell her, but I am not quite sure how to address the subject directly. I want the baby to be safe, but I don't know what my role should be in this? She hasn't been directly evasive and I certainly wouldn't want to call the police on her, but I would like her to be educated and for the baby to be safe.

Wineaux · Mar 1, 2009

Here's the deal, and why there isn't a whole lot of room for subtlety here: The belt positioning clip that she is using to hold her 7 month old in the seat with is designed to do just one thing. Position the seat belt correctly in the event of a crash. It's meant to break in a crash. So, quite honestly, there is nothing restraining that infant in that car seat. Nothing. Nada. Zip. A good crash and you get to see physics at work. That's not an outcome anyone wants to see happen.

So you tell her the truth. Pamphlets, printouts, or old school ditto masters are not what's called for in this situation. If it was just a bulky snow suit, then I'd agree with leaving literature, or being somewhat subltle, but in the case the child is not buckled in or restrained at all. Flat out, this child's life is in danger riding in a seat like that. So talk to her, but talk to her frankly. Use all the honey you can in order to convince her to remove the snow suit and buckle her child in correctly, but be prepared to haul out the vinegar and call 911 if she refuses.
:twocents:

Pingbns · Mar 1, 2009

maybe offer or reccomend one of those shower cap-like cover if the infant is in a bucket, or a thin fleece jacket

flipper68 · Mar 1, 2009

1) I'd probably start the conversation with how cute the baby is and while looking closer I'd make a comment like - "Did you know the harness isn't buckled? It's important to keep it buckled, even when using the seat as a carrier.

2) If you are concerned about her ability to understand English, is there someone at school who does speak whatever language she does?

Mama Jo · Mar 2, 2009

"Sorry to interrupt, but it's kind of important... I don't know if you noticed or not, so I wanted to let you know, I think ((insert name of older kid)) might have unbuckled the baby. I would hate for you to drive off with her like that and not even know it!"

snowbird25ca · Mar 2, 2009

Mama Jo said:
"Sorry to interrupt, but it's kind of important... I don't know if you noticed or not, so I wanted to let you know, I think ((insert name of older kid)) might have unbuckled the baby. I would hate for you to drive off with her like that and not even know it!"

I really wouldn't advise this approach. Dragging an innocent child into the conversation just isn't an appropriate way to handle it in my opinion.

I'd probably ask her straight out if she usually unbuckles baby when they go into the school. Some people truly do bother to unbuckle even when baby is sleeping, and it's better to ask if that's the case instead of assuming baby isn't buckled in in the car. At this point I wouldn't even mention the snow suit unless she tells you she can't get the buckle done up because the straps are too short with the snow suit on...

So an approach like "awww, she's so cute sleeping like that. Is it hard to buckle her back up without waking her up when you go to leave?" might be the way to go.

Unfortunately, far too many parents believe that a chest clip will restrain their child. Once they're told that the chest clip will break in a collision it suddenly sinks in that the buckle needs to be done up. I wouldn't go for scare tactics or anything - just be friendly and matter of fact. Given that there's the chance that at this point her dd is pretty much completely unrestrained, I would skip best practice, skip any extra info, just make sure she knows that she needs to buckle the harness. For somebody with serious misuse and a probable language barrier, best practice isn't worth mentioning right now. Ask questions and find out if she's doing up the buckle when using the seat in the car, and if not tell her that she needs to be. And then leave it at that. If you happen to be aware of a seatcheck event, bring in a flyer for it and give it to her as a friendly gesture, but don't get into specifics beyond the immediate need to buckle the harness.

Mama Jo · Mar 2, 2009

snowbird25ca said:
I really wouldn't advise this approach. Dragging an innocent child into the conversation just isn't an appropriate way to handle it in my opinion.

That's what I would say, but there's a million different ways you could handle the situation. That's the least "confrontational" thing I could probably come up with on a moment's notice to at the very least open up the conversation. The older kid wouldn't necessarily have to hear you... But I can see your point if he or she were right there - you wouldn't want to make the kid feel like you were accusing him or her. My DD is ALWAYS unbuckling DS and so I always have to double check him... I let her unbuckle him when I'm taking him out of the seat, but somethimes she unbuckles him when I'm not ready to take him out - like we run into the store or something and I throw the bucket in the back of the cart... and she would always do it when I'd take him up to pick her up from school because she wanted me to take him out and show all her friends.

Maybe instead I'd word it something like "Liv is always unbuckling Elias' carseat when she wants me to take him out... does (?) do that too?" I don't know, maybe you don't like that either lol.

I guess the way I'm looking at is that I'd rather make it appear as though I think it's something innocent, like a kid trying to be "helpful", rather than putting it out there that I think the mom is doing something wrong. It seems that she'd be more open to your help if it doesn't come across like criticism from the beginning.

But I'm not one to talk... I'm not always the most subtle when it comes to stuff like this when you catch me off-guard. Just last week my daughter's ballet instructor had mentioned to me that she just moved her itty bitty 3 year old to a backless booster. To which I instantly replied "OMG! That's so not safe!" and then I had to back-track and apologize for being so harsh. lol.

Wineaux · Mar 2, 2009

What is with the utter fear of confrontation? Is it just something in the feminine make-up that abhors it? Sorry, just a guy thing here. I'll just chalk it up to something else we just don't understand about the opposite sex, albeit our "list" is beginning to get as long as Santa's...

The trick is constructive criticism. Tell them about the things they are doing right, or at the very least how cute their kid is if they aren't doing anything right. Then tell them what they are doing wrong and why, and then offer a way, or ways, to correct the deficiency. Teach them how to fix the problem on their own if it happens again. Then praise them again for learning how to correct the problem.

Ie... I see that your child isn't buckled into the seat, but you are certainly using the retaining clip correctly! Cute kid btw. Aww... Gitchy gootchy, etc. Did you just unbuckle the straps for the walk in/out of daycare? Yes? Yeah, dealing with those bulky snow suits can be a real PITA. That's why I don't use them. (Insert discussion of thin fleece and blankets, car seat poncho's, and shower cap style covers here. Give her a cheap shower cap style cover if you want to buy one in advance to make both of you feel better and to engender the warm fuzzy's. This is also yet another good time to talk about fabric compression.)

No? Then you really need to have them buckled while in the car. The retaining clip is meant to break in a crash, and is just there to position the straps correctly in case of an accident. That means that if you are in a wreck, it is very possible that your child could be ejected from the seat, and we wouldn't want that would we? So, how can we fix it?

Let's see if we can loosen the straps some. Yes? Good, that works. (Insert discussion about compression here if you want, as you've already broached the subject of her child being thrown from the seat in the event of an accident.) No? Then we need to get her out of that bulky snow suit. Yes, there are ways to keep her plenty warm in the car without it. (Insert discussion of thin fleece and blankets, car seat poncho's, and shower cap style covers here. Give her a cheap shower cap style cover if you want to buy one in advance to make both of you feel better and to engender the warm fuzzy's. This is also yet another good time to talk about fabric compression.)

Get child buckled in correctly. Show Mom the correct placement of the retaining clip (tickle zone), how tight the straps should be, and how to adjust them. Make Mom show you she can accomplish these tasks. Praise her on how well she did them, how safe her child now is because it's so obvious that her Mommy loves her so much, and isn't he/she the cutest thing!

There, you've praised, you've constructively criticized, you've offered solutions, you've taught her how to apply those solutions, and you've praised once again. But... All of this hinges upon your ability to confront the issue in the first place. KWIM?

LISmama810 · Mar 2, 2009

snowbird25ca said:
So an approach like "awww, she's so cute sleeping like that. Is it hard to buckle her back up without waking her up when you go to leave?" might be the way to go.

Oh, that's perfect. :thumbsup:

APmama2MAK · Mar 2, 2009

Man, this is like the best post Ive seen in a long time. The reason *I* dont like walking up to someone (or even notifying a friend or family member) is first of all Im short (and only 19). I look about 12 lmao. I get that "what are you, in 6th grade?" look then the "I AM a good mother darnit, I have 2(3,4,5..) kids and I KNOW what Im doing because they are alive arent they" look and attitude.
I am going to try this next time Im at the store and see some ridiculous misuse..ill let you know if I get decked. lmao

Wineaux said:
What is with the utter fear of confrontation? Is it just something in the feminine make-up that abhors it? Sorry, just a guy thing here. I'll just chalk it up to something else we just don't understand about the opposite sex, albeit our "list" is beginning to get as long as Santa's...

The trick is constructive criticism. Tell them about the things they are doing right, or at the very least how cute their kid is if they aren't doing anything right. Then tell them what they are doing wrong and why, and then offer a way, or ways, to correct the deficiency. Teach them how to fix the problem on their own if it happens again. Then praise them again for learning how to correct the problem.

Ie... I see that your child isn't buckled into the seat, but you are certainly using the retaining clip correctly! Cute kid btw. Aww... Gitchy gootchy, etc. Did you just unbuckle the straps for the walk in/out of daycare? Yes? Yeah, dealing with those bulky snow suits can be a real PITA. That's why I don't use them. (Insert discussion of thin fleece and blankets, car seat poncho's, and shower cap style covers here. Give her a cheap shower cap style cover if you want to buy one in advance to make both of you feel better and to engender the warm fuzzy's. This is also yet another good time to talk about fabric compression.)

No? Then you really need to have them buckled while in the car. The retaining clip is meant to break in a crash, and is just there to position the straps correctly in case of an accident. That means that if you are in a wreck, it is very possible that your child could be ejected from the seat, and we wouldn't want that would we? So, how can we fix it?

Let's see if we can loosen the straps some. Yes? Good, that works. (Insert discussion about compression here if you want, as you've already broached the subject of her child being thrown from the seat in the event of an accident.) No? Then we need to get her out of that bulky snow suit. Yes, there are ways to keep her plenty warm in the car without it. (Insert discussion of thin fleece and blankets, car seat poncho's, and shower cap style covers here. Give her a cheap shower cap style cover if you want to buy one in advance to make both of you feel better and to engender the warm fuzzy's. This is also yet another good time to talk about fabric compression.)

Get child buckled in correctly. Show Mom the correct placement of the retaining clip (tickle zone), how tight the straps should be, and how to adjust them. Make Mom show you she can accomplish these tasks. Praise her on how well she did them, how safe her child now is because it's so obvious that her Mommy loves her so much, and isn't he/she the cutest thing!

There, you've praised, you've constructively criticized, you've offered solutions, you've taught her how to apply those solutions, and you've praised once again. But... All of this hinges upon your ability to confront the issue in the first place. KWIM?

Guest · Mar 2, 2009

Wineaux gave a great suggestion.

I'm not a fan of calling 911. From my experience, and heaing from friends, it's basically useless. Even if the cops can be ordered out (HIGHLY unlikely), they gotta find her in time. Even if they find her, there's typically little more than a "she needs to be properly fastened" said. No explanation. Just that vague statement.

Mama Jo · Mar 2, 2009

Wineaux said:
What is with the utter fear of confrontation? Is it just something in the feminine make-up that abhors it? Sorry, just a guy thing here. I'll just chalk it up to something else we just don't understand about the opposite sex, albeit our "list" is beginning to get as long as Santa's...

LOL... I think for some people it isn't so much a fear of confrontation in and of itself, but more a concern that confrontation might not illicit the most productive response. I actually tend to be overly confrontational. That's just my personality. Speak before I think type of thing. I offend people easily... but the people who know me usually just laugh at me and tell me I'm a... female dog... and leave it at that.

I'm aware of my personality and my tendency to confront rather harshly. So sometimes I try and steer clear away from that to avoid putting people on the defensive. I think a person on the defensive is less likely to be responsive to suggestions.

I think if someone came up to me and outright said I was doing something wrong with my kids, I would instinctively go on the defensive. And it would be hard for me to listen to what they were saying, even if they were right. So I try to think of others as being the same way.

Vent Mom at preschool not buckling infant safely

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