Vent Is ERF an uphill battle with your family?

How do you handle it?

I thought I was making progress... MIL drives DS short distances occasionally, and he was riding FF in an old car seat with OHS that I just KNEW had to be expired and I finally asked her if it was... indeed it was, so it's out of the car. :thumbsup:

So, next she got my nephew's car seat for my DS to use... it's a Cosco HBB that harnesses 22-40lbs and, according to the Dorel site, is for 34" and up (although oddly enough DS's shoulders are slightly above the bottom strap slots... he's tall torsoed and cloth diapered... but still technically 3 inches too short...? not that it matters, he's only 21lbs). He rode in it yesterday a good distance, which I was uncomfortable with but didn't say anything b/c I'm a wimp like that, and b/c I didn't know about the 22lbs/34in thing yet (went home and looked it up).

I sent her an email last night asking that she have him rear facing (a really nice respecful kind email), saying I'd be happy to install his seat or even buy them a Scenera... unfortunately she won't get that email until TOMORROW. And DH and I are having a(n unplanned) date today and she's keeping him. So I sent her a text asking her to ask DH to put DS's car seat in her car before he left b/c DS isn't big enough for the seat in her car yet... and she texts back saying to tell her what kind of seat she needs to buy and she'll buy it... she just goes by what it says on the seat mad: WHY do car seat companies DO this to us?). I texted back that I'd be happy to get one for him, that he just isn't big enough for that car seat yet... she texted back explaining to me that it was a 5pt harness and the shoulder straps where right where his shoulders were, and that it wasn't a booster, just converted to one after your child is big enough. I really didn't want to argue since she IS babysitting for us today so I told her not to worry about it today (I doubt they are going anywhere) but it's just frustrating. My problem wasn't that it was a booster seat... it's that it was forward facing, period, AND my DS doesn't meet the minimums! (He's 3rd percentile in weight). I know she's trying to do the right thing and her heart is in the right place, but it seems like an uphill battle, especially when no one understands WHY I want to ERF (DH kind of does... but mostly in that "You install the seats, honey, however you want them" way).

HOW HARD would it be to change the labels on ALL car seats to say "Forward facing use from 1 year AND 33lbs"

So what do you DO with family members who just don't quite understand it yet? I'd like to say that I could install a Scenera in her van and it stay RF, but I honestly don't know if it would (and unfortunately, if it got turned FF, the straps might stay threaded the same and be below his shoulders still... making me want to spend $$ we don't have on the EFTA).

Aaaaaahhhh!!!!!! I just want to get a tattoo on my forehead that says "LEGAL does not mean SAFE"!!

Sorry, just venting. I finally have one hour of alone time at home and I'm sitting here stressing myself. I need to go take a hot bath or something, lol. Thanks for listening.

Does she HAVE to drive him anywhere when she watches him? I think you need to tell her that if she refuses to transport him the way you've requested - which, because you've done your research, you know is the safest way for him to ride - then she will not be allowed to drive him anywhere.

BookMama said:

Does she HAVE to drive him anywhere when she watches him? I think you need to tell her that if she refuses to transport him the way you've requested - which, because you've done your research, you know is the safest way for him to ride - then she will not be allowed to drive him anywhere.

Click to expand...

Yeah, that.
I know how you feel, I'm very timid when talking to people too, especially if they're doing me a favor... but look at it this way... this is your child. He can't speak up for himself or his own safety, and wouldn't you rather have the uncomfortable conversation than have something bad happen?
It is terribly difficult, I know, but once you get that first conversation out of the way it gets so much easier. I'm even striking up car seat conversations at yard sales now!
You can do it You'll probably have jelly legs and shake the whole time but you can do it. Even if she disagrees, she'll get over it... what mama says goes!

I wouldn't leave my child with anyone until I'd been clear on child restraint issues (I had ensured the seat was installed properly, harness at correct height, watched them put child in to make sure straps were tight enough, etc.). It doesn't sound like you've had a chance to do this yet. Go buy the seat you want your child to sit in, take it to MIL's, install it properly and go through putting child in with her. The way it is now, you've left it all up to her and she's not following best practice or doing what YOU want.

In short, I'd plan your unplanned date for another day/night and get the child restraint issues worked out FIRST.

technogranola said:

I wouldn't leave my child with anyone until I'd been clear on child restraint issues (I had ensured the seat was installed properly, harness at correct height, watched them put child in to make sure straps were tight enough, etc.). It doesn't sound like you've had a chance to do this yet. Go buy the seat you want your child to sit in, take it to MIL's, install it properly and go through putting child in with her. The way it is now, you've left it all up to her and she's not following best practice or doing what YOU want.

In short, I'd plan your unplanned date for another day/night and get the child restraint issues worked out FIRST.

Click to expand...

yeah, that. You have to stand up to her and lay down the law. This is YOUR child and what you say goes. Plain and simple. Buy the seat and go over everything with her from start to finish. If she is going to transport your child, she needs to know these things. If she refuses to listen and do what you ask of her, then she simply doesnt get to transport him.

That said, noone has transported my kids anywhere because I am anal and they stay by my side. Only DH has taken them places without me. I've schooled him and yelled a few times til he got it right I'm a nut. LOL

I always insist on putting DS's car seat in the car my way. I tell people up front that I'm very concerned re. DS car seat and that I don't let anyone else put it in. I then say, I don't even let DH, which isn't true, he knows how but he prefers me to do it. I've talked enough about car seat safety that no one even asks, then just expect me to do the install.

When she is going to look after DS, I would turn up with extra time and my car seat and tell her, I'll just pop the car seat in before I leave and then do it your way. Tell her that your DS will be RF until max of seats and that's how it will be. I know it can be difficult but after a while no one questions me anymore, probably because they get a lecture on how much safer my way is

technogranola said:

I wouldn't leave my child with anyone until I'd been clear on child restraint issues (I had ensured the seat was installed properly, harness at correct height, watched them put child in to make sure straps were tight enough, etc.).

Click to expand...

I am not a ERF to the 'extreme' (oldie but a goodie, something to do with my Cdn seats ... but am working on my manual fettish) but I am one to argue the proper use car seats.

I would be furious if my MIL/caregiver etc. when against my wishes when it came to safety (or car seat safety). I don't angry about too much - car seats/safety I do.

Buy the seat, install the seat and tell her waht you expect.

With my family it was easy b/c they knew I was the mother and I had the final say so. Plus it does help that my dh backs me in this area 100%. Plus being a tech helps too.

My mom did question me at one point with K2 after she was 2 but when I explained the benefits she was okay with it.

My dd has never gone in a vehicle without us, so we haven't had any problem yet. I think my family will respect my view (especially since my sister and my sil are on the bandwagon too). My parents and in-laws are still somewhat ignorant, but I don't think they will try to go against my wishes. Though the other day when we were all in Winnipeg, my dd wanted her grandpa, but we were going to the restaurant soon (basically across a couple parking lots), so my brother and dad said, oh its ok. My brother said he'd hold her on his lap, and even hold her by the forehead too. I said yeah right, and took her with me. With my in-laws, once dd wants to go places with them, if they don't want to do it my way, it won't happen at all.

My children are mainly with us when in cars. The only other time is when DS has gone with my sister and when he visits his dad. It's been awhile since he's gone with my sister in a car since we don't have a spare seat and the radian is a pain to keep transferring to other cars. He's currently in a Scenera in his dads car and that will most likely be a battle once he's 4 y/o. His dad THINKS he's putting him into a cool booster when he turns 4 but that isn't happening. He's only 25lbs @ 3 1/2. I've tried speaking to his dad and telling him "would you rather have the hassle of putting him into the harnessed seat or not have the hassle at all b/c he's dead?" His dad backed down that day. lol

When people have my kids, they have them in MY seats in MY own vehicles. I have them put the kids into the seats, and if they pass the test, they can go. They don't have any choices, and there's no concern over expired/incorrectly installed seats or seating orientation.

And yes, even my ex-husband drives my vehicle when he has the kids. He hasn't said a word about our 10 year old still being in a booster, and when he takes MY 3 year old daughter (not his child) he even still has her rear-facing.. (I don't, since she's 33lbs and my Canadian seats max at 33lbs rear-facing, but he is American and has a Recaro Como with a 35lb RF limit on it in the car we give him to drive.)

I suspect people won't complain when the "work" is already done for them, and they just have to put the kids into the car. Most people aren't concerned enough to go through the hassle of having to reinstall your seats in your car into an orientation that better suits their desires.

All in all, YOU'RE the parent. If it's important enough to you, tell people they CANNOT take your kids unless they play by your rules. If they refuse, so be it--their loss. Make alternate arrangements and explain to them that they're being disrespectful of you and your wishes regarding the care of your child(ren).

-Nicole.

Honestly---to me it sounded like she is willing to follow your directions. Tell her you'll bring a seat for her to use and then if she wishes, then she can go and purchase one just like it.

Tell her how frustrated YOU are in learning all the safety stuff, but the manufacturers just seem so behind...and that YOU were so confused about it all in the beginning.

Lots has changed in the way we care for kids just in the last 20 yrs. And car seats is just one of those things.

Susan

QuassEE said:

When people have my kids, they have them in MY seats in MY own vehicles. I have them put the kids into the seats, and if they pass the test, they can go. They don't have any choices, and there's no concern over expired/incorrectly installed seats or seating orientation.

And yes, even my ex-husband drives my vehicle when he has the kids. He hasn't said a word about our 10 year old still being in a booster, and when he takes MY 3 year old daughter (not his child) he even still has her rear-facing.. (I don't, since she's 33lbs and my Canadian seats max at 33lbs rear-facing, but he is American and has a Recaro Como with a 35lb RF limit on it in the car we give him to drive.)

Click to expand...

Aren't you worried about insurance not covering another driver? Also, you must have an excellent relationship with your ex for him to take your child with him on outings.

Insurance in British Columbia covers the *vehicle* and not the driver.. This means that I can't hop into someone else's car and be covered on my insurance, but I'm covered on theirs... So as long as he's driving my vehicle, it's insured and he's insured.

My ex and I have to have a good relationship, we've got two little boys to concern ourselves with. I can't imagine dragging our issues into their lives--they've had enough to deal with, with a divorce, re-marriage, and two additional siblings. But as a result, my ex also has to respect my wishes about how the kids are raised--including carseats!

-Nicole.

(...and even though we are not in CAN like Nicole, most of my family members pay extra for a "no drivers excluded" policy since we all car-switch so much)

I will get a Scenera when I go grocery shopping (maybe DH won't notice, lol) and take it to her to keep in her car. OR I could just buy my stinkin' Radian and give HER the Graco Comfortsport. She has LATCH, I don't--she won't want to blow her brains out during/after installing it! LOL



Thanks for the reassurance that I'm not as crazy as everyone thinks I am. I'm well known for being the black sheep of the family on EVERY issue, this is just Issue Number 543992.

sunnymw said:

I'm well known for being the black sheep of the family on EVERY issue, this is just Issue Number 543992.

Click to expand...

Meee toooo. On both my dad's and mom's side... but especially my mom's. I doubt any of them will show up to my wedding as it's going to be dry.
I feel for you. It stinks. Stick around here, you'll get your fill of like minded people

Your child, your rules

Is MIL being belligerent about this, or do you think maybe she just doesn't know? We've had a few people on her talking about grandparents that have actually uninstalled RF seat and made the FF because they insisted that their grandchild be FF with them. Hopefully MIL isn't like that.

I'd sit down and talk I(face to face) to her and buy her a seat that you're comfortable with and install it yourself.
This really strikes me as an instance where she doesn't understand. I don't think she's trying to go against your wishes, she doesn't understand. I give her kudos for actually reading the labels (that's rare in and of itself )

So, don't text her, don't email her, sit down and say I love that you watch DS, he so enjoys being with you yada yada yada. Buy him seat, give her the basics, show her how to install it and use it. Tell her if she needs to turn in FF for whatever reason that it is imperitive that she moves the harness. Be nice and informative about it.

The EFTA would be great. It is more money, but is there anyway you can justify it as you are getting free (at least monetarily free) babysitting and it will last him a long time and it will be really easy for MIL to install and she doesn't have to rethread the harness? If you have a BRU near you, try and get your hands on a coupon or keep your eyes peeled on Amazon for sales.

nak

no, not belligerent, I think just frustrated because she feels like she can't get it right... although if she did get to a point where she intentionally installed the new seat FF now that she knows I want it RF then he wouldn't ride w/ her, though i don't think she would do that.

oh, do I need a pool noodle for the scenera if he's 20MO? I heard you do to get it at a 45 degree angle but not sure about the 30 degree angle. I've only ever seen 1 in real life and never actually took it down to look at it in detail...
ETA: she drives a 2005-6ish nissan quest, he would probably be on one of the middle seats, and the seat would be uninstalled and reinstalled quite a bit

I edited my above post.

But, I just noticed that you have a new LO on the way. Another plus of the EFTA would be that she could use it for each child without having to rethread the harness.

I'm not trying to shove the EFTA down your throat (heck, I don't even own one) I just think it would be worth saving up for if you can with a second one on the way. Less room for mess up and the recline feature should take away the need of having a pool noodle or towel.

Another option, I'm not sure if you have swap access or not, but there may be a member close by to you interested in unloading an EFTA.

I'm debating the EFTA, hard... but I also plan on buying a Radian in a week which is obviously not cheap and would technically free up my comfortsport!!! I don't know if I have access to the swap forum or not but I'll check and see if I'm lucky!

Gah, I wish there was a thing inside of car seats so you could buy them used and KNOW if they were in an accident--you know, like the thing inside cell phones that lets your company know whether it was submerged in water which voids the warranty!! LOL