SOOO ANGRY!!! What would you do?????

My dd is 18 months old, 24 lbs and rf in a Britax Boulevard.

The Boulevard is installed professionally, I check it myself frequently, and I check the harness fit frequently as well. My daughter is put into the seat perfectly E V E R Y single time I get in the vehicle. I don't care if it's minus ten out....she is put in the seat perfectly every time even if it's minus ten and we're only driving 3 houses down.

My husband has been shown how to put dd in the car seat many many times. I checked him many times and by the time my dd was 8 months old I "approved" him to be able to put her in. This was after I said to him "Why is it that you are unable to put her in properly? Is it because you know that I'll fix it anyway? It's very stressful for me not ever being able to get a break knowing that I can't trust you to take her out safely". Miraculously....he "suddenly" was able to do it perfectly.

I spot check him every so often and for I would say the last 6 months there has not been an incident - but I have not checked as often either.

Sooo....today my dh was taking her out and I ran in to get her bottle and returned to the vehicle. I was going to hand the bottle to her, but he said "no just give it to me"...he leaned over towards the passenger side with the window open and held out his hand. I said "no no I want to give it to her to drink" I wanted to check her car seat...

THEEEEEENN!!!

I opened the door and discovered my daughter put into her Boulevard had over 3" of slack between her sternum and the chest clip. The chest clip was completely crooked and the HUGS were all over the place.

I said

"What is this?...Do you think that this is acceptable? He says "uh..I thought it was tight enough."

I call full on crap. Excuse my french I am on fire right now.

He wanted me to fix it - I made him fix it and then I asked for an explanation. I said "What is it about this that you're missing. I need an explanation. Do you not know how to check it? Do you not care? Do you not understand the importance of this?

He could see I was really mad and he didn't say much.

I'm not doing his laundry for one month and he is not being permitted to take dd anywhere. I need to make this hurt. I just don't know what else to say or do?

Oh...and he's a surgeon. He knows full well what head excursion and internal decapitation is. He is fully capable of comprehending this.

Advice???

Are you his mother? Then you might want to find a more diplomatic way to deal with the situation. Understandably you're upset, but you're reaction won't help him any. Just my :twocents:

(If you're looking from me, I'm hiding from the flames!)

cashleigh said:

Oh...and he's a surgeon. He knows full well what head excursion and internal decapitation is. He is fully capable of comprehending this.

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LOL!! I'm sorry, but when I read that portion of your post I busted out laughing! My husband knows everything on Jeopardy so I often say, "Should I coin this in a jeopardy question so that you can understand?" Not to make light of this important situation BUT at least your DH puts your LO in! Mine has put her in about two times and that was just putting her into the seat literally--not buckeling her in!

No offence, but why do you have to "punish" him like this? Not doing his laundry for a month? Not being "permitted" to take HIS daughter (takes two to tango) anywhere without your permission? I'm sorry but it just seems very crazy to me. IMO you are being unreasonable - even as a car seat nut I think you really are. Sorry!

No offence, but why do you have to "punish" him like this? Not doing his laundry for a month? Not being "permitted" to take HIS daughter (takes two to tango) anywhere without your permission? I'm sorry but it just seems very crazy to me. IMO you are being unreasonable - even as a car seat nut I think you really are. Sorry

lol. Nice response. Just lovely.

Thanks guys. As far as the laundry thing goes - it is typically the only way that I can get through to him with these "cyclical issues"...it works. There's nothing like having no clean underwear to get his attention.

The thing that upsets me most is the fact that he knows how important this is to me. I was in an extremely severe accident as a teenager and the fact that I was properly seatbelted and had an airbag is why I'm here. I just feel that I'm not willing to compromise one bit on my dd safety.

And yes I am her mother.

For the most part dd is with me, or we all go out as a family. I simply cannot let him take her out when he's not willing(which I don't understand)...to put her in properly.

Have any of you had this problem that has persisted despite you dh knowing the importance of it? My hubby has a very good understanding of decceleration, energy transfer etc. That's the part that makes me soo very angry.

Ignorance is one thing.

Yes I've had this problem - yes we've had (loud) "disagreements" but I've never seen fit to "punish" him, belittle him and treat him like a child. I can TOTALLY understand you feel strongly about this but just from where I'm sitting it just sounds wayyyyyy OTT. Nag nag nag nag nag nag nag worked for me! Alright - if you don't trust him to take her out - fine, but I really think the no washing thing is just silly, you're his partner not his mother JMTCW Sorry! IMO you sound as if you're still "in the heat of the moment" and really riled up right now, perhaps you will calm down?

Cashleigh...

I read your post to my dh, to get his take on it.

To us, it sounds like there is far more going on here then just this. The whole attitude towards this - his, the hiding of it, etc... yours, "punishing" him in a mom-like way...

You say that he knows about the importance of this, but it doesn't sound to me that he does. Has he seen the crash tests and all?

I think, most importantly, this seems to be a lack of mutual respect and a lack of communication. My dh said that it sounded like ya'll needed counseling. I dunno if I'd go that far, off of one post, but this is obviously something massively important to you, and he's showing a complete disregard, a complete disrespect, and that's sad.

I do have to say that one thing we learned in the parenting classes is that the consequences should have a logical following. In our household, failure to put the laundry in the laundry bin is what keeps it from getting it washed. Failure to complete homework timely means you don't get to enjoy X activity that was planned that night. It follows, you know? That being said, I don't know what the logical consequence of failing to buckle correctly is. :shrug-shoulders:

:hugs:

The thing is...and this is my major frustration.

I've gotten him to watch all the videos. I've had him read all the literature - not to mention the fact that he knows it already anyway. He's done trauma surgery and seen the aftermath of a child not properly secured. Ignorance is not an excuse. I would never get mad if he didn't know any different.

He even came home once and commented on the fact that our neighbour had turned her just 12 month old ff. That made me very happy. I was converting him.

He saw the hours I did research on car seats(originally thinking that there was a "miracle seat"...and then realizing that the safest seat is the seat that is installed correctly, fits the vehicle, fits the child and is used correctly every time). He knows about the appt. I made in order to have the seat installed and then another appt to have it checked after I installed it myself. He knows the importance and has heard my incessant nagging other times he put her in incorrectly.

Grr...I feel like the only way to get through to him is to either not do his laundry...or actually...not cook dinner for him for a week(he looooves his food.....and I think that that would drive the point home).

lol

Fortunately the nagging works for me - anything to shut me up eh

Well, I will admit to having tried sticking it to my dh for various things... but this does sound like an issue of communication and understanding.

My suggestion would be to sit your dh down and have him watch some crash test videos. Have him watch the NHTSA video of the unrestrained child and tell him that without the harness being tightened properly, your dd is unrestrained. Sometimes it's easy to think someone understands everything there is to know, but in fact there's a little piece that hasn't fallen into place. Maybe something is missing from the overall picture that's preventing your dh from 100% getting it?

Here's the link to the NHTSA crash test videos - they're of infant seats for the most part, but one of them is a baby being held by an adult. http://www.nhtsa.dot.gov/portal/site/nhtsa/menuitem.7908a78a98232a8d304a4c4446108a0c/

This is the specific link to the unrestrained baby: http://www.nhtsa.dot.gov/staticfile...n/Multimedia/Associated Files/Infant_Test.wmv

Even having him watch the infant seats may help him see the force involved in a crash and make him realize that the harness really needs to be able to hold her in position.

Body mechanics and physics knowledge don't necessarily equate to an actual understanding of the role of a car seat in a crash or exactly what happens in the movements.

Instead of punishing him, I think education is the route to go. He should be buckling her in properly because it's important to *him* not just to please you. And in order for that to happen, he needs to understand the importance for himself.

I see while I was typing my response that he has seen crash test videos. Has he seen the NHTSA side impact ones that I linked to? Maybe they'll make more of an impact because they're done by NHTSA and they're very dramatic.. side impact isn't part of the FMVSS standards, but the NHTSA did these in response to the consumer reports botched infant seat report.

I do think that he needs to understand from a different perspective, because he obviously seems to think that that few inches of slack doesn't matter. And it needs to be something that he decides he needs to be anal about for himself. Compliance only lasts so long unless the person makes the choice for him/herself.

i can understand the not letting him take her anywhere, but not doing his laundry?? idk. it does sound like a communication issue more than hes not getting how important it is. maybe hes not getting how important it is to you. i dont have an answer for you, but i know when i disipline my dd1, i make the punishment fit the crime. if she cant eat her dinner, she gets it for breakfast. if she cant keep her room clean, she loses her toys. no clean clothes does not correlate to not buckeling up properly. i suggest taking him for a ride and make him not buckle up and then do a short stop and have him feel what happens. maybe then he will understand. *i* personally lean better/understand concepts when i do/see/feel them. maybe he is the same way. either way it is a graphic feeling of what its like to not be restrained.
good luck.

I am sorry. {{{{{HUGS}}}}}

I'd be really angry, and frightened, too. I can understand where you're coming from.

Personally, I would explain AGAIN why proper use of the seat is what keeps the child safe, and tell DH that I am not comfortable with him driving DD around until he fully understands why and how to keep her safe. I wouldn't take an antagonistic stance, though, because it doesn't seem that it would help emphasize the point.

So sorry you're having to deal with this!

This just happened to me the other night.

Dh often puts the kids in their carseats and buckles them in. He tries and he knows how they should be installed.

Last night we arrived at our destination. I go to take DS out and notice his chest clip is low (not a big deal really), and his straps were significantly loose(big deal, but eh, we made it home safe).

I did not make a big deal out of it. In a very cheerful tone I said "hey, babe Cam's straps are pretty loose. I guess he sunk down in his seat on the ride home?" Dh says back "Oy, I guess I didn't get them tight enough..sorry hun".

My husbands knows they should be tight. That doesn't mean he is perfect. He makes mistakes, we all do. I don't want to create a negative situation out of it. Keep it positive and I think Dh will come around. Just gentle reminders and if you *must* check the seat after he has installed the kids then do it non-chalantly. Make sure he doesn't know you are. That is just going to create anger and resentment between you too. "how dare she check what I did, I am surgeon for pete's sake".

From my Dh's perspective I think he helps if he understands WHY certain things need to be done with installing children in carseats. He needs a visual on what could possibly happen with loose straps.

I think all of us have been through this with our SO's. Just stay calm and just know you can vent here anytime

Happened to me yesterday. Dh went to Wal-Mart with older DS. They got home at the same time we did. I open one door to get something out of the car and see DS with his ski jacket on in the car seat. Then I go to get him out. Not only is he wearing a huge thick coat, but the straps were loose on that huge coate and the chest clip was at his belly. I was extremely irate but just Convo that ensued:
me: Why is his coat on. you know it's not supposed to be on in the car seat. In fact, I took it off before you originally put DS in the car.
him: it's okay, I loosened the straps so he could fit.
Me: yes, I see you loosened the straps - hence my big problem
him: it's no big deal - they adjust really easily.
me: flabbergasted at this point goes inside and does other things to cool off. Obviously they returned home safely and nothing happened...but it was snowing out in GA - GA people can not drive in the snow.

Later i told him I was very upset and didn't really know how to explain it. We talked about it and he claimed that he wasn't aware of all this stuff. (Basically just irritated me because it means he hasn't been listening since I definitely do talk about it). I will be finding a crash video with loose straps on it. Apparently I'm going to have to start sending him crash videos since simple convo didn't seem to initially get through.

However, in your case where you KNOW DH knows how to buckle the seat - I'll be in the minority and say he does need to be punished because obviously talking, showing your concern, showing videos, etc didn't work. I see nothing wrong with the lack of laundry doing - it's not like you sent him to a corner. He's a grown man - he can do his own laundry...but everytime that he does and thinks how much it sucks to do it, he'll remember why he's doing it.

Are you his mother? Then you might want to find a more diplomatic way to deal with the situation. Understandably you're upset, but you're reaction won't help him any. Just my

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I know you are beyond upset, and I can understand why...but your dh is clearly capable...if you treat him like a child, he will act like one (and he is--he's making the safety of your child into a battle of wills). You are letting him--even encouraging it.

I'd suggest taking the high road, apologize-yes, apologize!, and then ask him to sit down w/you and read the info on proper usage, ask him to go to a seat check w/you and listen to someone else, and then just make it clear that you expect him to strap her in correctly himself or you will remove her from the car and stay home w/her (and then keep your mouth shut about it--he'll get it! He's clearly not stupid!)

Honestly, if car seat usage has become this much of a problem, I'd assume (maybe incorrectly) that there are more problems than this b/t you two. I may get totally flamed for saying that, but this sounds like it could be a pattern.

Good luck!

henrietta

From a guy's perspective, do you think maybe he is "punishing" you with the car seat the same way you "punish" him with the laundry? When mad, we tend to do a lot of stupid petty things to get back at our spouse. The problem is that his method of "punishment", as that is the thing he has found that seriously pushes your buttons, not only affects you, but it also affects your child. IMHO you both are a bit OTT right now in all of this. As a PP's DH mentioned, you might want to consider counselling. It sounds like you both need someone to talk to in order to get the underlying issues out in the open, discuss them, and come to a mutually agreeable solution to them.

Good luck, and I hope you get it all worked out. If you want, feel free to have your DH PM me (Create his own account btw, as we could always use an MD's opinion on a lot of the off-topic subjects here.), and we can just have a guy's discussion about the seat issue. I don't know if it would help, but sometimes just knowing that car seat safety is not just a "wacko Mom thing" helps a lot.

Wineaux said:

From a guy's perspective, do you think maybe he is "punishing" you with the car seat the same way you "punish" him with the laundry? When mad, we tend to do a lot of stupid petty things to get back at our spouse. The problem is that his method of "punishment", as that is the thing he has found that seriously pushes your buttons, not only affects you, but it also affects your child. IMHO you both are a bit OTT right now in all of this. As a PP's DH mentioned, you might want to consider counselling. It sounds like you both need someone to talk to in order to get the underlying issues out in the open, discuss them, and come to a mutually agreeable solution to them.

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A man of true wisdom!

While I can understand your concern for your child's safety, I cannot under stand your frustration towards your other half.

Sounds to me like there are more issues than the car seat use - of course this is a good place to vent, seeing we all care about child safety namely car seat safety.

But there seems to be more "personal" issues between you and the Mr, and if you bottle it up too long things will not resolve and more problems will rear their ugly head.

Not doing his washing will only bite you back on the bum, he's a guy, he will just wear the same clothes over and over until they smell bad - being a bloke he wont smell it, or he will spray lots and lots of deoderant and away he goes. Once the undies and socks run out, he will buy more on the way home.

You will be left with socks, undies, diapers, wet clothing the works, piling up to your ears.


Time to put your adult boots on ans "TALK" to one another, make "TIME" for one another and sort this out has humanly as possible. Not a death screaming match, and do it when the child is asleep.

Turn the tables. If there were something that your husband were equally as passionate about and you did it wrong, how would you feel if he came at you the way you described yourself coming at him? I suspect you'd feel pretty damn crappy, maybe a bit belittled and a whole hell of a lot resentful.

Fine, he didn't have her harnessed properly. I know this is a big deal. There are definitely better ways of going about it. You catch more flies with honey, blah, blah, blah.

My husband is always the one to buckle our sons, because that's how THEY want it. If I see something not quite right, a calm, "Hon, his chest clip is a bit low." or "J-Man's seatbelt is on his stomach, not his hips.", fixes the situation without drama or punishment.

You said in your second paragraph:

My husband has been shown how to put dd in the car seat many many times. I checked him many times and by the time my dd was 8 months old I "approved" him to be able to put her in. This was after I said to him "Why is it that you are unable to put her in properly? Is it because you know that I'll fix it anyway? It's very stressful for me not ever being able to get a break knowing that I can't trust you to take her out safely". Miraculously....he "suddenly" was able to do it perfectly.

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How is not allowing him to take HIS daughter out going to relieve that stress for you?

As for his occupation and his ability to understand...my husband is an engineer. He's taught physics, he knows physics. It still took multiple viewings of crash tests and myriad written reports for him to truly "get" it. I guarantee you that if I'd questioned him as you did your husband, he'd have shut down completely and we'd still be nowhere today.

I understand and sympathize with your concerns, I really do. I just worry that your methods are actually going to make things worse for your daughter. As I read your post, I could hear my own mother in the background. I know that when she berated me, questioned me, belittled me like that, I'd do my best to do the opposite of what she wanted. Heck, I'm 33 years old and still want to do that when she pulls her crap out of the hat. Honey, not vinegar.