I'm SO frustrated with DH right now (car seat vent)

I'm steaming right now and I've been wanting to get on and vent since yesterday!I knew you guys would understand and have my back on this. Yesterday we went out to lunch with DHs grandma and great grandparents. It went pretty well considering. They know what I do and don't allow (we went over and over it when DD was a baby) but they're still pushing those same freakin buttons. After she tried to feed DS a breadstick (yes a whole one) I took him from her. He's not even on baby food yet, which to them is child abuse . Apparently DD starved to death when she refused solids too. So after they mentioned that about a billion times she moved on to their next favorite subject - DD rear facing. I ignored her. I think it was loud enough to get away with it. The rest went pretty well until we walked out to the parking lot together. She had some pictures she wanted to give us. She drives one of those huge travel vans...with 2 captains chairs and a bench seat in the back. DD climbed in and was playing on the bench seat. Her big thing lately is trying to sit in a seat like us, with just a seatbelt. It has nothing to do with FFing or RFing, in my mom's car and my friends car she's FFing and still tries to sit in the middle without a seat. Obviously that's never happening for the next 8-12 years. So she was sitting on the bench seat all proud of herself. Grandma starts saying she'll just take her home with her up north...another pet peeve of mine but that's another story. THEN she asks if we want to meet her over at Sam's Club. After a few seconds of us talking I realize she wants me to let DD ride in her van. I knew exactly what she was asking but to sidestep her I said "No, I don't want to move the car seat." Then she starts going on about how she can ride in this chair (the captain's) and we could seatbelt her in. So yes, not only was she suggesting that we not use a carseat, but she would have let her ride on the bench seat in back WITHOUT A SEATBELT. I was blown away. Then DH chimes in! And instead of supporting me he tries to talk me into it! "It's just a 2 minute drive, come on, just use the seatbelt, etc" I said absolutely NOT, she's only 26 lbs, and there's no way that's happening for years to come. They were both mad at me and were rolling their eyes. I know his grandma thinks I'm a nut but I was shocked that DH was so unsupportive. And it was NOT 'just' a 2 minute drive. I would have said no even if it was a neighborhood drive, but to get there you have to get on a busy road with multiple intersections, train tracks, and it's 45mph speed limit. Accidents happen on that strip all the time. DH stayed mad at me the whole way home. I told him to never bug me about something like that again, because my answer will always be no. He asked why and I said "Aside from the fact that it's illegal?". He said "I thought you said Michigan didn't have any carseat laws" :dizzy: So all this time I've been tellling him how crappy our laws were and trying to get new laws passed and he thought that there weren't any. I'm so upset. Now I know I can't trust him to do the right thing if I'm not there. I knew I couldn't trust the grandparents and his parents, which is why they will never take DD in a car without me there. She's never been left alone with them either (her choice). But now I can't trust DH, and I'm so heartbroken over that. He knows how strongly I feel about carseat safety but he refuses to learn anything about it. I tried to show him how to install the carseats and he didn't care. He thinks he'll never have to do it without me, but he already has had to. He let his dad install DDs carseat once because he didn't know how. His dad installed it FFing with the wrong belt path. He just DOESN'T get it. To add insult to injury he told me that he doesn't think DD will need a carseat up north to drive around town, and he won't 'make' her use one. I told him there's no way she'll be going anywhere without me then, and I mean it. He's angry but this is something I absolutely will not compromise on. I'm not surprised about the grandmother...when DD was 9 months old she tried to get us to take an 8 hour trip to Ohio to see familly DH doesn't even remember. We said no and she was angry because we "could just lay the seat back down and sleep with her all the way down". But how could I not know DH was this untrustworthy? I know I talk about car seats too much but I thought he was absorbing some of it.

I muddled through it

Man, I'm sorry

I would be so hurt if that were me. I think you hit on something though...you can trust him to do the right thing without you. I would tell him that. Tell him that he broke the trust you had in him, and until he regains it, you won't be able to consider him a trustworthy parent for DD. If that were my DH, that alone would cut him to the core and make him rethink his position.

Can you show him what you posted here? Maybe seeing what you wrote will make him realize how hard this is on you and possibly get him to see your side of things. Even if he doesn't understand why you do some things, he still should understand how important it is to you. I think you need to have a good sit down discussion with him to so you can feel like you can trust him again (at least regarding car seat usage).

I agree with ThreeBeans. Tell him that you're really disappointed in him and that you thought he was a more responsible parent than that. And then make sure that he never has DD alone, let alone his crazy relatives

You did the right thing, obviously. I tend to tell relatives, "You made the decisions when you parented your own young children, now it's my turn to make the decisions while I parent my own" If that doesn't shut them up, I get nasty, but that's just me

When you've calmed down (and I would be steaming if I was in your shoes), I would clearly tell DH why car seat correct use is very important to you, and that it's a parenting issue that is non-negotiable to you. You could then explain why you are so disappointed in his trying to convince you to do something that was clearly VERY dangerous for your DD. And that you need him to back-you up on these situations so DD and all the family has a consistent message.

And then, as I can be nasty, I would tell my DH that I would kick his a$$ to the moon and back if he EVER EVER EVER let DD ride incorrectly...but I'm hormonal at the moment, so you may want to leave this last part out

I'm sorry this happened.

So sorry that happened to you. I'm sure you know you did the right thing. I'd ask your husband how he'd feel if your precious child was killed because she wasn't restrained in the best way possible. And maybe show him some crash test footage of kids in seat belts, etc. There's a bunch on youtube (sp?) if you can't find something good on here.

You really did do the right thing!

Personally, with my DH, I'd really have a serious discussion after DD went to bed. I would be calm and collected, but I definitely wouldn't sugar-coat things. I'd tell him point blank that I'm very disappointed to discover, after X years of marriage and parenting, that he really didn't care for and love his kids and much as I thought he did. I would say that as much as he seems to be loving and a good father, he just doesn't care about safety. I would tell him how sad and inexusable it all is and that now I have serious doubts as to his ability to care for the children when I'm not there, considering he doesn't seem to care if his smallest child dies in a car accident. I'd finish off by telling him this is a serious breach of trust and his lack of support for me, among other things, signals disrespect and that I'm deeply hurt by his actions. Tell him that if he thought riding without a seat would be okay, then that's something to discuss at home in privacy. . .not undermining your parental authority in front of the kids and grandparents. Let him know he has a right to his opinion (no matter how wrong) but that arguing about it in public is not the way to go.

I don't know about your DH, but for my DH a conversation like this would pretty much be the only way to get him to stop being stubborn and actually think through his actions.

I'd be furious. DH and I disagree at times with issues concerning his mother, but he has always backed me 100% when it comes to car seats. When she turned Kaylie FF at 18 months when specifically told not to, he had to have it out with her even after I handled it.

I agree - either have him read this or try to have a calm rational conversation with him. Although I should practice what I'm preaching because truth be told, I'd be literally screaming mad.

Good luck. I hope he realizes how serious this is/was.

I read your entire post, and I would be furious. I mean, flaming mad like you wouldn't believe!

That said, I think you've been given a lot of bad advice in this thread. I absolutely think you need to hold the line about the carseats. Don't give an inch of ground. Keep emphasizing how important this is to you, for the kids, and for the family.

BUT, I wouldn't address it in the ways that people have suggested--AT ALL. It would not work with my hubby. Most of the suggestions he would find either patronizing, insulting, or inflammatory, and it wouldn't help to further my cause.

Frankly, I'd be willing to be the first one to admit "wrongdoing." I'd tell him point-blank that I'd done some thinking, and I realized that I "talk about carseats too much." I would tell him that I realized I'd alienated him and his family by making them think that *carseats* (themselves) are more important than him, his family, or our kids' relationships with his family members. I would ask his forgiveness for making him feel that way.

Only then, would I explain again why it is so important to me that the kids are safe in the car. In appropriate carseats. All the time.

Relationally, to heap guilt on him, or to belittle him by saying "I can't trust you anymore..." or "you OBVIOUSLY don't love the kids" or "until I hear differently from you, you can't be trusted with the kids...." all these things are guilt-inducing approaches that will not work. They will not get you to the "meeting of the mids" that you really need on this important safety topic.

I think if you approach this with HUMILITY, instead of arrogance, you may find that your hubby breaks down, and shares what he was really feeling with his family. Plus, I think you'll have come a long way to getting to a place where you can *both* feel like you trust each other.

Just my .02.

heyruthie said:

Frankly, I'd be willing to be the first one to admit "wrongdoing." I'd tell him point-blank that I'd done some thinking, and I realized that I "talk about carseats too much." I would tell him that I realized I'd alienated him and his family by making them think that *carseats* (themselves) are more important than him, his family, or our kids' relationships with his family members. I would ask his forgiveness for making him feel that way.

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, You're joking right?

I will NEVER apologize for being an educated, loving parent. I'd alienate the world to save my babies. My .02.

keri1292 said:

, You're joking right?

I will NEVER apologize for being an educated, loving parent. I'd alienate the world to save my babies. My .02.

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Yeah, I would never apologize for wanting to keep my kids safe. Why on earth should she admit "wrongdoing" for refusing to break the law by having a 2yo improperly- or unrestrained?

keri1292 said:

, You're joking right?

I will NEVER apologize for being an educated, loving parent. I'd alienate the world to save my babies. My .02.

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Totally agree!

Why should she apologize for wanting her kids safe?

Well, with my DH, it is easier to lead into a critcisim of him, with a critque of myself. My DH is pretty done with my non-stop car seat chatter. He just told me the other day that I "needed to remember that he didn't find car seats interesting." I would lead with an apology of sort, to be honest, as a way of leveling the playing field and getting him to listen. My statment would go something like, "I know that I talk a ton about this carseat stuff and maybe you've had trouble sorting out what the laws are in Michigan and what is best practice. Just so you are clear, in Michigan the LAW is that children under 4 must be properly restrained in car seats/boosters. It's not safe for kids over 4 to be in seatbelts either, but under 4 it's totally illegal. I really need to know that had I not been there, you wouldn't have let her go anywhere in a seatbelt only." etc. But in my house, it would be smoother to start with an apology of sorts. Not that I/she SHOULD have to apologize or have anything to apologize for, but it helps my DH listen.

keri1292 said:

, You're joking right?

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i don't think so.

heyruthie said:

BUT, I wouldn't address it in the ways that people have suggested--AT ALL. It would not work with my hubby. Most of the suggestions he would find either patronizing, insulting, or inflammatory, and it wouldn't help to further my cause.

Relationally, to heap guilt on him, or to belittle him by saying "I can't trust you anymore..." or "you OBVIOUSLY don't love the kids" or "until I hear differently from you, you can't be trusted with the kids...." all these things are guilt-inducing approaches that will not work. They will not get you to the "meeting of the mids" that you really need on this important safety topic.

I think if you approach this with HUMILITY, instead of arrogance, you may find that your hubby breaks down, and shares what he was really feeling with his family. Plus, I think you'll have come a long way to getting to a place where you can *both* feel like you trust each other.

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hey ruthie, it sounds like you have some experience in psychology? you obviously know something about positively maintaining relationships. :thumbsup:

honestly, heyruthie is not suggesting defeat in the cause for safety of one's children, she is only suggesting an alternative way to win over a significant other with whom it seems impossible to see eye-to-eye. i think it is perfectly rational, and her approach can apply to other situations in life as well.

would you seriously rather be seen as a freak your whole life and not be taken seriously by even your closest loved ones while you live a life of distrust of those same people to do the right thing when it comes to the safety of your loved ones? or would you try to work out a relationship where your they can truly understand your needs and work with you as a team to accomplish the same goals? seems obvious to me.

Heyruthie is absolutely correct!!!

She is not stating that you need to apologize for being an educated, loving mother. She is saying that you need to apologize for your approach to it.

How would you feel if you lose your husband because you refuse to meet in the middle and talk about things rationally? For that matter, how would your kids feel growing up without two parents in the house anymore? Marriage takes a lot of work and some of the advice given will lead straight to divorce court.

I'm really sorry, but the responses to heyruthie's post have really gotten to me.

We need to step back and realize how we are coming off to people. NO ONE is going to listen to a car seat nazi. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar... as the saying goes.

For the op, I think having a conversation with dh about what the minimums are and supporting each other in public (even when you don't totally agree) is a fantastic idea. You both need to come to some middle ground. Have a plan before a situation like this can arise again.

Just my :twocents: Sorry if I offended anyone.

keri1292 said:

, You're joking right?

I will NEVER apologize for being an educated, loving parent. I'd alienate the world to save my babies. My .02.

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No kidding.

And my marriage doesn't work on false humility to get my way. It works on honesty and forthrightness.

Frankly I think what the PP suggested was far more manipulative than what I said. Not to mention dishonest :thumbsdown:

And I really don't care if I'm seen as a freak. I care about the safety of my children.

It sounds like the OPs family would have been morons about carseat safety regardless of the tact the OP took about it. The OP in absolutely no way should blame herself for that.

aidensmom02 said:

We need to step back and realize how we are coming off to people. NO ONE is going to listen to a car seat nazi. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar... as the saying goes.

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that pretty much sums it up for me... :thumbsup:

southpawboston said:

that pretty much sums it up for me... :thumbsup:

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:yeahthat:

As much as I would *want* to play the drama card, it just usually doesn't "work" as well :twocents:

Just wanted to say I understand your major frustration and hope you and your dh can see eye to eye. Dh and I used to fight like that (not about carseats), but our relationship has evolved. However, sometimes he is the complete opposite- he'll totally go along w/something in a patronizing manner just to keep me from getting upset. But it makes me madder- like he doesn't give a @&*% what I'm saying/thinking and he's just gonna give me lip service so I shut up. But I call him on it and we joke about it. Kinda went off tangent there, sorry.

Kimberly