Dilemma

Xandra

New member
So, I always go by best practice with my foster kids, and have never had a bio parent issue. Until now. I have just-turned 3yr old twin girls in my care. They just spent a week in respite care (meaning another foster family cared for them 24/7) while I had and recovered from surgery. I picked them up on Thursday after my surgeon cleared me to lift them at my post-OP. The foster mom helped me carry the girls and their stuff out to the car, and opened the passenger door to put J in her seat. I was driving the minivan, and she commented "Oh, are their seats in the back?" I responded that no, those were their seats, and a short explanation on ERF. She just responded with "Oh." I didn't think anything of it, until the girls' phone call with their mom yesterday. After the girls were finished, I got on the phone to update her and she brought up the ERF. I guess the other foster mom said something to the girls' case worker, she she said something to mom. Mom was upset about me RF'ing them. She was of-course concerned about their legs, etc, the normal "new to ERF" worries. After explaining (it's 5x safer, I'm responsible for keeping her girls as safe as possible, etc) she was still adamant that they need to be FF. Emphasis on need. I told her that we should talk about it another time, that I needed to get the kids in bed. Well, today the girls' case worker calls me. She tells me that mom insists that the girls be FF, that she's raising big hell about it. I'm told to turn them around to "make peace." I respect ER decision as a mother; however, they're in my care. I'm responsible if something happens to them. And you can bet she'd be raising hell if they were FF and injured in an accident. I'm not sure what to do. Turn them around? Say I turned them around and don't?
 
ADS

ketchupqueen

CPST and ketchup snob
Staff member
They're 3, it's not like they're 1. Yes, RF to 4 is safest; yes, that's what I'd want if they were MY kids. But they're not your kids, you're caring for them and the mother's wishes still matter even if she's wrong, and it's a legal, safe, and reasonable choice to FF at age 3.

So I agree, I'd turn them in this situation.

But if you don't, most certainly don't lie about it. I believe I've said it before but I think it's absolutely reprehensible to tell the parents you will do something and then not do it.
 

Stelvis

New member
They're 3 -- if they're in properly installed, top tethered seats, they're still really really safe. I'd turn them too.
 

cupcakepirate11

Active member
Normally I advocate erf but this mom seems dead set on having her opinion heard. I hope that does not translate into it causing more problems down the road.
 

babyherder

Well-known member
Don't lie about what you do.

You have to live with the potential consequences of whatever you decide to do. So consider those consequences for rf and ff and then tell the social worker and their mother what you are willing to do.

What I would probably do is explain that because of the children you have and how seats fit in your car that sometimes the girls will be ff and sometimes rf. Then ff them once or twice so its true. The fact that rf seats work better than ff seats for you can be true or not. Just tell the truth about what you will do with the girls. If anyone asks for details I'm sure you can come up with a long and complicated enough explanation about recline angles, fitting seats next to each other, changing strap heights, being prepared for future foster placements, etc. that they'll get overwhelmed with trying to follow it and just believe you. Its worked for me (minus the foster placement part).
 

SignCuer

New member
I'm in the camp of no turning until past 4 but in this situation I would respect the bio mom's wish.

As long they are in properly restrained seats, they will be good to go.
 

Mamasboys

New member
Normally I advocate erf but this mom seems dead set on having her opinion heard. I hope that does not translate into it causing more problems down the road.

^This. I have no experience with a foster/bio situation, but the dynamic on this issue sounds delicate. I don't know the full reason for foster placement (none of our business, really). On the one hand, my first reaction is *you* are 100% responsible for their safety, not her. For one reason or another, she currently does not have that right/privilege. I'm not sure how her opinion (based on what, nothing? myth? control issue?) gets more weight than your evidence-based safety choice.

On the other hand, what is being requested is not illegal, nor UNsafe--just not safEST. If FF settles the dispute, then so be it. Definitely don't lie (but you know that), that only destroys your credibility and integrity. I only fear that following the wishes on this matter *could* mean letting bio-mom feel she can make more and more demands (and actually, more "rocking the boat") about other day-to-day decisions in your household, kwim?
 

scariestone

New member
Normally I advocate erf but this mom seems dead set on having her opinion heard. I hope that does not translate into it causing more problems down the road.

:yeahthatsad: I have a feeling you're going to have many headaches with this woman. It sucks but you do have to listen to what she wants. If she were saying she wanted them in boosters, you'd have every right to say heck to the no but thankfully that isn't what she's asking, yet. :/
 

mominabigtruck

New member
I install seats all the time for foster Kids and I generally do best practice. I can't imagine why a biomom would have a say at all, or a caseworker even taking her seriously.

My mom did a respite last weekend for a 4 and 5 yo and she said they showed up for the drop off just in lbb. Both of them were smaller than my 2 and 3 yos. They went home with my mom in a rfing rn and a maestro and she said their mom said something about it and my mom said those were the seats she had in her van so that's what they were riding in.

My personal feelings are if they really have a problem with it then they can get their act together so they can get their kids back and do whatever they want.
 

Xandra

New member
Thanks everyone. I felt turning them was the right decision just because the alternative requires lying, but wanted to see opinions.

I only fear that following the wishes on this matter *could* mean letting bio-mom feel she can make more and more demands (and actually, more "rocking the boat") about other day-to-day decisions in your household, kwim?
I am afraid of this! I've had a headache bio before, it's no fun. It's my job to work with them to help them get their kids back, but she made it very hard!

My personal feelings are if they really have a problem with it then they can get their act together so they can get their kids back and do whatever they want.
This is how I WANT to be, and how I feel deep deep down inside, but I know it's wrong so I don't let myself act upon it. Sometimes it sucks being nice :p
 

murphydog77

Admin - CPST Instructor
Staff member
Please keep to the topic at hand.

When caring for other people's children, there should never be any lying involved. I'm surprised it was even brought up as an option, frankly, especially for 3 year olds who can safely be forward-facing.
 

Car-Seat.Org Facebook Group

Forum statistics

Threads
219,656
Messages
2,196,898
Members
13,530
Latest member
onehitko860

You must read your carseat and vehicle owner’s manual and understand any relevant state laws. These are the rules you must follow to restrain your children safely. All opinions at Car-Seat.Org are those of the individual author for informational purposes only, and do not necessarily reflect any policy or position of Carseat Media LLC. Car-Seat.Org makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information on this site and will not be liable for any errors, omissions, or delays in this information or any losses, injuries, or damages arising from its display or use. All information is provided on an as-is basis. If you are unsure about information provided to you, please visit a local certified technician. Before posting or using our website you must read and agree to our TERMS.

Graco is a Proud Sponsor of Car-Seat.Org! Britax is a Proud Sponsor of Car-Seat.Org! Nuna Baby is a Proud Sponsor of Car-Seat.Org!

Please  Support Car-Seat.Org  with your purchases of infant, convertible, combination and boosters seats from our premier sponsors above.
Shop travel systems, strollers and baby gear from Britax, Chicco, Clek, Combi, Evenflo, First Years, Graco, Maxi-Cosi, Nuna, Safety 1st, Diono & more! ©2001-2022 Carseat Media LLC

Top