child unbelted for playdate, how to handle in future?

This became a 5-year-old riding unrestrained story. I probably should have done something differently. It keeps bugging me. How to handle in future? She was invited back for more playdates.

I dropped 5 -year-old at a friend's house (first time for a playdate with this girl). It's a few houses down, around the corner and across the little street. Really close, in our little subdivision. Easy to walk. I knew the dad offered to "drop" her home, so I asked if they'd be walking or driving. He said probably walking. I said, OK, because it it's driving she'll need her booster, and I have that. (It was in our trunk). So I didn't hand it to them.

She is a new booster rider and always sits properly and does her belt correctly (even tightens it) in our van. I bought her a high-back for the van and our carpool one too is a highback.

Turns out they drove (it was cold and dark after all) and stuck her in a backless. I guess that's not the end of the world. But then she tells me she didn't even have her belt on because "they wouldn't let her." She said it was too dark to see the belt (unfamiliar belt, sure, I understand, unfamiliar car). And she didn't speak up. It wasn't that anyone prohibited her using her belt. It's a 30 second drive so before she knew it, she was home.

So, I talked with her and told her she MUST tell them to stop and that she needs help in that situation.

How to handle future playdates? (My getting her was an issue since I have 3 little ones and am 7 months pregnant). It really was nice of them to offer to bring her home. I just assumed they would have walked. Or not put someone's child in the car and drive off without checking! Even for a 30 second ride. The parent told me they had a booster and she used that. I had no idea (until my daughter told me) that she simply SAT in the booster.

It is possible that they didn't realize she wasn't buckled. It is also possible that they think that such a short drive is not dangerous enough to warrant a seatbelt. (Once I found out that my dh had driven my kids unbuckled about half a mile in our town. I was furious. He didn't think he'd done anything wrong.)

In the future I'd just say, "last time, dd said she wasn't able to get her seatbelt buckled. If you drive her home, can you please make sure that someone helps her with her seatbelt? I know it's a short drive, but we're sticklers about buckling up in our family." I'd also drill it into dd's head that she needs to ask for help with the seatbelt if she can't get it on her own.

That's exactly what I think. I totally agree. I didn't see this coming! So it was very unnerving.

I taught my booster riders to ask the adults on the way to the car to hold the door open for light while they buckled.

If it makes you feel better my dd did the same type of thing at 7 yrs old. She wasn't very big either. Hers included freeway driving at 70+ mph, lap belt & no head rest. I still cringe about it, she's now 13.

I would tell the other parents that your daughter still needs assistance getting buckled in and ask them to give her a hand before driving off. Tell them that she was concerned because she wasn't buckled but she was too scared to speak up an ask for help.

Although I would talk to the child about speaking up, I wouldn't put too much of the responsibility on her yet. Yes, she needs to learn, but at this age I would just use gentle reminders each time. Really it's still the adults' responsibility to make sure she's properly secured in the car.

OK, so at 1am I just figured out why this bothered me. It wasn't so much this particular situation. Say they decided instead to drive to get a bite to eat or somewhere, anywhere. Maybe I won't always know when friends' parents even drive the kids! I sure didn't today.

If your child uses a highback, and the other parent assumes if they have a backless in there that's fine, then...?

I just had no way of knowing what seat, belt fit, headrest, its condition or expiration, if the car had side air-bags, etc.

I don't want my 5-year-old asking to go backless so I guess it was on principle, too, that I want to provide the Vivo. Note all her preschool friends use backless. With my other child, the 6-year-old, I'm always being told another parent "has a booster" and can drop him home, etc. And I give them the Vivo and so far it's been fine. I just say something about how it has such a great belt fit (which is true). I try to keep it simple and short.
The friend simply stood in the car the whole time, no belt at all. And of course I'd explained to my daughter that when you are at a friend's house you respect the parents and rules, etc. Somehow I have to explain this type of thing.

I agree it's the other parents faults. Sounds like they are pretty lax. That would scare me. Not sure I would let my kid ride with them again, although I know you didn't choose that.

Take your daughter to ice cream etc or soon. Somewhere where its just you two having some one on one time.
You could say "You are such a big girl now" and "I wanted to talk to you about riding in other peoples cars. I know I told you that you have to respect other parents rules. BUT there a few exceptions. Those are when the other parents are allowing you to do things you know I've taught you are not okay or are wrong." "I trust you. You are such a great kid." "It's okay to speak up and say 'My mom does NOT allow me to ride unbuckled, even just down the street. It's dangerous. And I can't ride in a car with other people that aren't wearing a seatbelt either' and 'If my mom finds out that we rode that way, I won't get to ride in a car with you guys again'"
Tell her how proud you are that she knows the rules to keeping safe and that you are proud of her for talking to you about it. And that you hope she talks to you about other stuff that concerns her in the future and that your always there to listen.

I would also address the no belt thing with the other parents. Tell them you heard from your kid that she didn't wear a seatbelt.. even if just for 30 seconds, and that you don't feel comfortable with that..AND your daughter was scared.. and want to have playdates with them in the future.. and for them to please respect your rules as a parent because then it causes issues with getting your kids to buckle up when they see other parents not doing the same. Maybe you can have coffee with them and it can be brought up casually?



My son is 3.5 and still RF. I am adament that he only rides RF and in seats i've installed.
I don't even let other family members buckle him up without me double checking their job (i am discreet)
One time DH's neice came and picked up Ben (it was not an emergency) while I was at work and he was with grandma.. and put him FF in her daughters seat that was NOT installed correctly or tethered. I was freaking PISSED. I literally could not see straight or talk I was so pissed.
I informed grandma that if she wanted to continue babysitting, that it was NEVER to happen again.
It has never happened again. Grandma adheres to my strictness about carseat safety.
What made it even more stupid? She had a Britax Advocate installed correctly RF and tethered in the middle of the back of her Tahoe that I had installed and it stays there for situations where she needs to go somewhere. WHY WAS IT NOT UTILIZED. GRRRRR
Sort of a different situation, but I feel ya.

I would be so upset. There are many reasons, but the bottom line is they endangered your kid. Of course, they need to check that she's buckled, not drive off thoughtlessly. In fact, they should not have driven her anywhere without your permission. In addition, they violated and undermined your rules.

bnsnyde said:

Maybe I won't always know when friends' parents even drive the kids! I sure didn't today.

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Do you think the parents will drive them without permission? It's your kid and you are allowed to put restrictions on what happens, but I would be explicit about your expectations and what is or isn't allowed. If you're not prepared for someone to drive your kid, then say so. If that's not okay, then skip the play date. I know, it's easier said then done. Really, although I may be sounding harsh, I actually find it heartbreaking to make my kid miss out and struggle with a lot of these things.

bnsnyde said:

I just say something about how it has such a great belt fit (which is true). I try to keep it simple and short.

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I love that, because it not only gives a good concise reason, but may get them thinking about the important topic of belt fit.

bnsnyde said:

The friend simply stood in the car the whole time, no belt at all.

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This is the people who just drove your DD home? Their kid was standing while driving? You have every right to object because that child is a potential large, heavy projectile who could kill your kid. If I'm understanding correctly, then I wouldn't let them ever drive my kid anywhere and I doubt her being unbuckled was an accident. I do hope I'm misunderstanding.

bnsnyde said:

And of course I'd explained to my daughter that when you are at a friend's house you respect the parents and rules, etc.

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I struggle with the respect the other parents thing for two reasons. First, my kid still has to follow my rules regardless of what the other parents say or do. Second, being an adult doesn't automatically make a person a good role model. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm criticizing you for teaching your child that. You're trying to teach her good values like respect for others and that is admirable. I've probably said something similar to mine. Of course, I want my kids to behave well when at friends' houses. Yet I struggle with how to handle this for the reasons stated above. This could probably be a thread topic all its own.

Final thought (if you've made it this far ), I've taught my kids to scream if they think anyone is getting ready to drive and they aren't buckled properly yet. In this situation, they have my permission to make a big scene. It's not their job, but it's a good back up system. I don't know for sure they would do it in that situation with people they don't know, but I certainly hope so.

Athena said:

Final thought (if you've made it this far ), I've taught my kids to scream if they think anyone is getting ready to drive and they aren't buckled properly yet. In this situation, they have my permission to make a big scene. It's not their job, but it's a good back up system. I don't know for sure they would do it in that situation with people they don't know, but I certainly hope so.

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I have always taught mine to do this as well! Even though I check a zillion times, what if they were riding with someone else who forgot to check?
To OP, stand strong, even pitch a fit yourself if you have to, but I absolutely would not allow her to ride with them. Since you clearly did not know they were going to and they did it without your permission, I would not let her go over there. I know she will be sad, but just explain to her you have to keep her safe!

If your dd's friend was riding unrestrained I don't think I'd let your dd drive with them again. I'd just tell the parents right now you are only comfortable with you or your dh driving your dd.

babyherder said:

If your dd's friend was riding unrestrained I don't think I'd let your dd drive with them again. I'd just tell the parents right now you are only comfortable with you or your dh driving your dd.

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Me too. I wouldn't allow my kid to ride with a family that thinks that is appropriate.

I would either
A. say I wasn't comfortable with my kid being driven by anyone but me and request that they walk her home or call you to pick her up. Or
B. Just always arrange to pick her up, either by car or walking. Or
C. teach her to walk home on her own (my 5yr old walks home from his friends houses, he crosses the street right in front of his friends house while the parent watches, the rest of the way is on the sidewalk and is just around the corner in a small neighborhood). This may not work depending on your street set up, but for us its great!

leighi123 said:

I would either
A. say I wasn't comfortable with my kid being driven by anyone but me and request that they walk her home or call you to pick her up. Or
B. Just always arrange to pick her up, either by car or walking. Or
C. teach her to walk home on her own (my 5yr old walks home from his friends houses, he crosses the street right in front of his friends house while the parent watches, the rest of the way is on the sidewalk and is just around the corner in a small neighborhood). This may not work depending on your street set up, but for us its great!

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I'd do either A or B. Personally, I'm not convinced C is safer at such a young age, unless it's close enough that the other parent watches the entire time until they make it all the way home and lives close enough to do so. Even in a very safe neighborhood, anyone can drive into that neighborhood and approach children with bad intentions (speaking from experience).

OK, I'll be honest, as a Mom who lives in the same sub as the Grandparents, we've really kind of had to lay the law down and say they will be buckled in the car. Most people don't think driving a few houses over is a big deal. And, I'll be honest, that I don't always do it "right." I literally live three houses over, on the same street, in a very slow sleepy sub with nearly no traffic. If it's just DD2, sometimes I'll even let her buckle into DS's booster.

I hardly think this is a "ZOMG! Don't let them have your child!" situation. Also, in my experience, most "lay" people think a booster, is a booster, is a booster. There is little time spent differentiating the two.

I would just say to the parent's "Hey, thanks for bringing DD home the last time! I hate to be nit-picky, but I'm pretty strict about the car seat stuff. I prefer to have her properly buckled in, even though it's just in the sub. So, this time around, could you either be sure she's buckled in, or just give me a call and I'll pop over to get her?" Chances are they'll just say, "Oh, sure! I didn't think about it!"

I find, the older my oldest child gets, the less likely parents are to be on the same wave length as me. They don't mean ill, of course, they just don't do what we do. So I need to be very, very clear. Sure, DD can go with you, but she has to use a booster and must be in the back in a lap/shoulder belt. Do you have one open for her? Yep, you can bring the kids back home, but they've got to be buckled in (IL's in the sub)....

Avery'sMama said:

I literally live three houses over

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Why would you drive at all for 3 houses over on a neighborhood street?

Athena said:

Why would you drive at all for 3 houses over on a neighborhood street?

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90% of the time we walk, but it's Michigan in the winter and we have four kids. So, sometimes there is too much kid crap to schelp, sometimes the weather is too yucky, etc. Although the most common reason is that I am coming/going somewhere anyway, so I drop one off or pick one up on the way in or out. Today, for instance, I was late leaving for my Mom's and had all three DD's with me. DH was out with DS and DD2 was staying at MIL's. I put all three girls in the car, and dropped just DD2 off at Grandma's on the way out. The other option- stroller out, bundle kids, walk over, walk back, buckle up, drive past house anyway- just takes like 15 minutes longer, and sometimes it's just too much longer. When it's not snowing we walk all the time.

We'll have to agree to disagree. For me, personally, if it's too far to walk, then it's too far not to buckle or to put a 2 yo in a booster. It's not only about the lack of safety, but about the mixed messages it would give my kids, for whom consistent boundaries create a feeling of security. My kids know we don't leave our driveway unless we are buckled properly, they don't want it any other way, and anyone who does otherwise is not allowed to drive with them. That's my right and I'm not going to apologize for that. I think the OP is completely justified in being upset about what happened and if she decides she doesn't want them driving her because of it, that's her right (not that she has to do that ... her decision).

ETA: My intention is not to sound harsh, just to state what's important to me and my family ... I think I get where OP is coming from.