What would you do?

My MIL recently has started picking my kids up from daycare occasionally when I don't get off work on time to get them myself. In my car and my husband's car I have all three kids rear facing. My oldest is almost three and very close to the 40 lbs weight limit on all our seats so he'll be forward facing fairly soon. I put an extra base for my baby's seat and a rear facing Complete Air in my MIL's car and my oldest is riding in the built in restraint she's got in her car. I went to some effort to install the CA using LATCH and I needed some pool noodles to get a pretty good install. I was at her house yesterday and I see that the CA has been turned around. Not only has it been turned around but you can see the LATCH belts loose and for some reason the top tether was loose too. It's sitting in the seat crooked and extremely loose the seat belt isn't even locked, it's just looped through the back and buckled in. I don't know how long it's been like that or if my son was put in it like that. I don't even know if it was my MIL who did it. My husband thinks it was his brother and he put his daughter in it like that. Like I said I really don't know. My problem is I don't know what to do now. Things have been strained with my MIL lately and it would be a bad idea to confront her about anything especially since she's helping me out a lot and I REALLY need her to pick my kids up sometimes. She is my only option. So any opinions are greatly appreciated I just don't know what to do and my husband, as much as I love him, is useless when it comes to his mother.

As much as you need your MIL's help your kids safety should come first. I would say something very casually like "Hey, I noticed that the CA was not only turned FF but also installed improperly. I'm going to go ahead and turn it back around and fix the install because so and so is not aloud to be FF yet and I want to make sure the seat is in there safely for the next time you need to pick them up".

Is your brother's child young enough to rf? I would just explain to her that the ca is a difficult install so once it's that way it is best to leave it alone.

Personally, anyone who transports my kids are let know up front that carseats are non-negotionable and once they're in they are not to be touched. If things are tense between you and your mil I would say it's probably time for your dh to man up.
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My brother in law's daughter just turned one, she has been forward facing for seven months now. I have stated my opinion on the matter but ultimately it's up to them how they transport their child is up to them regardless of how I feel about it. For me I just cannot look at my child and say 'I know it's safer, the evidence has been shown to me, but I just don't care. My convenience is more important than your safety and well being and possibly your life'. That's how I look at it anyways. And so people know my son is two years old so technically he is "old enough" to forward face I just personally feel if a child is within the limits for rear facing they need to remain that way.

With a built in restraint, I'm hoping this is a van and not a sedan with a built in backless booster So if it's a van, I'd ASSume that either the cousin could ride in a carseat in another seating location or in the FF built in that 3yr uses. No?

Is the ca yours? I would tell bil that if he wants to use your seat he uses it the way it is installed.
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mominabigtruck said:

Is the ca yours? I would tell bil that if he wants to use your seat he uses it the way it is installed.
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Yes the seat is mine. I'm guessing what happened was he and his girlfriend went somewhere with his parents and instead of putting their daughter in the built-in and both of them sitting in the third row squished on either side of my baby's base one of the wanted to sit in the middle row.

She has been forward facing since she was 5 months old?

I would somehow try to mention the seat being moved around so that your child's safety isn't compromised and as someone else said, maybe just mention that it is hard to get it installed correctly so to leave it once it is in. I'm terrible at phrasing things like that though without it coming across as offensive in an already strained relationship.

jacqui276 said:

She has been forward facing since she was 5 months old?

I would somehow try to mention the seat being moved around so that your child's safety isn't compromised and as someone else said, maybe just mention that it is hard to get it installed correctly so to leave it once it is in. I'm terrible at phrasing things like that though without it coming across as offensive in an already strained relationship.

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Yeah that's the issue I'm having. I'm definitely going to fix the seat before he needs to ride in it again. I just don't know how to politely say "keep your hands off my seat" and I'm sure no matter what I do or say I'll get accused of attacking her and I'll end up being the bad guy. What I'm afraid of is if my MIL was who moved the seat it will get moved back after I fix it.

You're going to have to pick your battle then. Which is more important, mil being able to pick up the kids or having your child properly secured?

I find though, if you act assertive you get better results. So if you're all timid with your mil and afraid to make her mad, then you're probably right, the seat will get moved again. If you go at it not argumentively but saying this is my kid, my seat and you do it my way or you don't do it at all then you don't leave any room for discussion. If your mil goes out of the way to take the seat out, then that's a whole other problem that goes beyond carseat usage and frankly I'd be making some other arrangements.
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Blame the BIL. Say, "You have been doing so much to help us that I don't want you to have to fix the car seat every time BIL messes it up. Do you have any advice on how I can convince him that he is being rude to you by messing with your set-up?"

I wouldn't "confront" her or make a big deal about it at all. Just go, "Uh oh! This got turned around! Let me fix it."

How often does she pick up your kids, and his often is BIL's kid in there? Hopefully it's not often enough that it becomes a major PITA, or maybe MIL will start telling them not to touch the seat if it means she has to stand there while you redo it every time or whatever.

I too would blame the BIL. Then even if she is the one who took it out, let him take the blame.
"You are so awesome to help us out and pick up the kids when I need you! I really appreciate you SO much! It is really quite difficult to get this seat in here correctly and it's not at all correct now. It really frustrates me when BIL takes it out. I don't mind if he uses it for "x" but if he's going to use my seat, then I'd like him to use it as-is. Otherwise, can you ask him to use the built-in seat so I don't have to fix my seat every time?"