advice needed on how to handle sticky situation

mmo

New member
I have visited this site before to get info and appreciated the advice I saw, and just joined! Sorry in advance for the long post- hoping to get some advice from like minded moms.

DS who is almost 6 is still in harness mode in a Frontier.

I have a Parkway as well for helping other moms out bringing kids to a game or something or to use when grandma picks him up. A few kids have already started to make comments about not wanting to go in the parkway - and they are only 5!!! I just say these are the seats that we have so please buckle up so we can get going and leave it at that. These kids are old enough and weigh enough to be in a backless booster, so it is personal parental choice.

So fast forward to a few days ago when a mom whose 4 year old daughter is super petite (no where near 40lb and 40" tall) asked if I could help her out next week. I let her know that I might be able to help out but had to check my schedule and that if I could I plan on using the frontier for her daughter and the parkway booster for my son if that was ok with her or she could give me DD carseat. She looked at me like I had two heads and said her daughter has been using a backless booster "forever" and was quite sure her daughter would not agree to ride in a "baby car seat". I was not sure what to say and what I wanted to say was not too appropriate ;) so said I would get back to her and let her know if I could help out.

So there are two things:
1) DS was right next to us for the conversation and now wants to know why he is the only kid who has to use a baby seat. I let him know that that is the seat that we have for him in our cars and then turned the conversation into how the soccer game went but I know this will start coming up more - urgh!

2) So for the other mom, what do I do? I will not use the backless booster for her daughter in my car - it is also against our state law. For now I just texted her to let her know that I do not think I can help her out. I am infuriated that she made the baby seat comment in front of DS - so from that perspective I don't want to help :eek:, but am trying to let that part pass and focus on her daughter's safety. Maybe she really does not know you are supposed to be 4 AND 40lb to go to booster and also meet height requirements? And if she does and is choosing to ignore it and I the one one is supposed to call her out on it?

My husband thinks I should just say no this time and if she askes another time let her know I can't and hopefully she will not ask again. He thinks I should butt out and not give her unsolicited advice - he said no matter how I phrase it will sound like I am saying that she is not concerned about her daughter.

I appreciate this groups input on how to handle it - I feel like I am kind of alone in my area with keeping DS in harness mode when almost every one of his friends and classmates are in backless boosters - some that meet the weight, and many who don't...
 
ADS

babyherder

Well-known member
I'd ask her to please not refer to your kid's seat as a baby carseat in front of him. Then I'd explain the law and say that you are not willing to break it in your car. She can decide if she wants the help or would rather find another way to transport her kid.

Or if you'd rather not help her that's fine too.
 

Syllieann

New member
I'd probably just say something like, "I can't help you out because any riders in my car need to meet the bare minimum legal safety standards" and just not associate with her anymore. Then she won't ask again and you don't have to lie or be confrontational. Maybe tell your son that the lady was talking about infant carriers and she just doesn't know there are so many big kid seats on the market.
 

Kat_Momof3

New member
So there are two things:
1) DS was right next to us for the conversation and now wants to know why he is the only kid who has to use a baby seat. I let him know that that is the seat that we have for him in our cars and then turned the conversation into how the soccer game went but I know this will start coming up more - urgh!
I take it you didn't correct her that it was not a baby seat, or that, if you did, obviously your ds still has questions... I would pull out the instruction manual first... then get him and sit him down... ask him when he thinks babies become kids... point out that it's around age 2, that they're running, talking, drinking from cups, etc. Then show him the manual where it says that the seat is only for kids who are AT LEAST 2yrs old, 25lbs, etc. Ask him if he thinks a baby could use his seat... "NOOOOO"


Then let him know that even a 2yr old is SAFER in a seat that sits backwards... that he's a BIG BOY and that he's too big for a seat for babies and little kids that sits backwards, but that this seat is just right for him because it will keep him as safe as he can be until he's SUPER DUPER READY to use a booster seat all the time.

I would even show him (I'm sure people would help out and supply) pictures of kids older and bigger than him in their frontiers (heck, try britax's facebook page, there may be some in the fan pics)

2) So for the other mom, what do I do? I will not use the backless booster for her daughter in my car - it is also against our state law. For now I just texted her to let her know that I do not think I can help her out. I am infuriated that she made the baby seat comment in front of DS - so from that perspective I don't want to help :eek:, but am trying to let that part pass and focus on her daughter's safety. Maybe she really does not know you are supposed to be 4 AND 40lb to go to booster and also meet height requirements? And if she does and is choosing to ignore it and I the one one is supposed to call her out on it?

My husband thinks I should just say no this time and if she askes another time let her know I can't and hopefully she will not ask again. He thinks I should butt out and not give her unsolicited advice - he said no matter how I phrase it will sound like I am saying that she is not concerned about her daughter.

What I would do would depend on how comfortable you feel with approaching her about it... if you barely know her and aren't up for a confrontation, then do what your hubby says.

If you don't think she's going to take it as a confrontation/attack or you know her well enough to know that, then update her on the law and offer information to help her make her daughter safer.

I appreciate this groups input on how to handle it - I feel like I am kind of alone in my area with keeping DS in harness mode when almost every one of his friends and classmates are in backless boosters - some that meet the weight, and many who don't...[/QUOTE]
 

MommyShannon

New member
Fortunately DD hasn't questioned her seats too much. She has mentioned seeing other kids riding in the front seat or using a regular seatbelt. I just tell her that her seat is safer and fits her better and that not everyone understands that. She says that they should know and use car seats.
 

eddis

New member
Was dealing with a similar carpool situation to this, where I have to decide whether to insist on boosters for carpool kids... :) So far I have not heard anyone (parents or kids) call DD's seat a 'baby' seat - but I imagine it could easily happen. But, I know this situation has come up for my neighbor's 7yo, and she has told both him and his carpooling friends that his harnessed seat is the safest ride for him, and that both race car drivers and astronauts ride in similar seats. Maybe an explanation like that would work for your son?
 

mmo

New member
Just wanted to say thanks for the responses :) I texted the mom back last week that I would not be able to help and that if she needed assistance going forward that I would prefer to have her daughter go in DS Frontier and DS would ride in the parkway if she did not have a harness seat for me to use.

I saw her on Monday and I let her know that I am a little "neurotic" with ensuring that DS is safe, and I apply the same neurosis to anyone who comes in the car. I then casually slipped in that you since you need to be 40lb and should be 40" to ride in a booster, unless I know that the kid is bigger than DS that I always ask for a carseat or use DS frontier, since you know, I am a little neurotic ;)

Once DS started to play and left my side I let her know that I was taken aback that she called DS seat a baby seat in front of him and that I would appreciated it if she had anything negative to say to say it when DS was not around. She apologized and said that she did not mean it that way it was just that that no one she knew used a carseat past 4. I let her know that I would not switch DS into a booster until he legally met the requirement and I knew he was ready for it, and his seat could actually stay in harness mode until 85lb. I said now that you know me you now know someone who still uses a carseat past 4 and that was the end of that.

The tone of the conversations were light and I think I got my point across. We started talking a little and I did not realize she was a somewhat younger mom who was recently divorced - I assume she is juggling a lot and will still give her some benefit of the doubt.
 

vtbecca

New member
In response to the baby seat attitude when my children were still in harnessed seats and everyone else was in boosters we called them their race car seats. After all, race car drivers are harnessed into their seats. After using that term we never had any issues. I told them that race car drives sit like that because it much, much safer. That was enough for them!

Becca
 

Avery'sMama

CPST Instructor
I think it's important to educate kids on why we do what we do, and what the rules are about it. This point was struck home to me when the Brownie field trip ended in rain, and without permission, my DD was put in someone else's car to be driven home. My DD knew how to adjust her head restraint (it was a backless) and how to properly use the seat belt. I KNEW she KNEW, and so I didn't panic. She also knew she had to be in a booster, even though, at 8, it's no longer required by law in our state.

My kids can talk at length about why they are safer still harnessed (DS-5), or still boostered (DD-8) and why their sister is still "backwards" (DD-19months). And if someone called it a "baby seat" in front of them, they would do the explaining quickly!

We've watched crash test videos, talked about the law, the physics of it... It's important.

As far as other people's kids, I usually say something like, "I'm not sure you know, but I'm a car seat tech, in fact, I'm in Instructor, so I train the police/fire that you might go to get your car seats checked, and I'm pretty neurotic about car seat safety. I'm glad to take your DD, but she has to be in a booster in my car. I have an extra one." I've never had a parent say no, and usually, they ask me to check out their kids seats in their car!
 

Brigala

CPST Instructor
MMO, you're a lot nicer than me, I think.

The one thing that would have just made me stop being friends with her was having her call my child's car seat a "baby seat" within his ear shot. I'm glad things seem to have worked out and you were able to smooth things over. Like I said, I think you're nicer than I am. ;)
 

Kat_Momof3

New member
well, even so... last time I checked, a child over age 1 is a toddler (not that I don't still think of them as babies till about age 3 or so... or as long as they'll let me... lol)

but the only "baby seat" I ever think of is an infant carrier because it has the word INFANT in it. convertibles have sometimes been called toddler seats, but never infant, so I just don't think baby seat... and now it's all infant carrier, then carseat, then booster seat, so those are the names I give them. She could have easily said seat with a harness, carseat, whatever. She didn't have to go there. I feel bad for her situation and you are a bigger person than I would have been because the kid was there and had his feelings hurt, but as the kids were nearby, I probably would have kept it as light as you (or tried)
 

vonfirmath

New member
My sister allowed my son to ride in no car seat at age 7 even after the law changed to need them until 8. I simply refused to drive her kid after that. She needed to be the one driving
 

Jan06twinmom

New member
OP - I think you did a great job addressing the situation with the other mom. I get very annoyed when people call harness seats "baby seats." For me and my kids, infant carriers are baby seats.

The only one who called our harness seat a baby seat was my niece. I was putting her into a Radian when she was over 6yo (maybe 7?) in our car and she said she liked riding in a baby sit. I told her that it was a big kid seat because it fit big kids like her. She couldn't argue with that! I never heard her call our harness seats baby seats again.

Melanie
 

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