DS scared me today

He's been fighting me in the van lately. I don't know why, but he screams and throws a HUGE fit. Part of it is because he wants his "blue seat" (the Frontier 85 in DH's car), but part of it is just him being... well, him. Right now he's RF in the Radian in my van, our primary vehicle. I have another Frontier 85 sitting in my basement waiting for him. I had planned on switching him in a few months when he gets closer to the weight limit. He's about 35lbs right now (plus or minus a pound or so) but when we add winter weight clothes, boots, etc. he'll be close to 40lbs.

So this brings us to today. When I went to get him out of the car to pick DD up from school, he had already loosened his harness! He had reached down, pulled up the lever and leaned forward to loosen his harness! I gave him a VERY stern talking-to about this and I think I scared him. No idea if he'll do it again, and I don't know if he did it while I was driving or if he did it after we were stopped in the parking lot. I'd like to believe he did it after we were stopped, but I have no idea since DD wasn't in the van to tell me. I made her watch him the whole way home and he didn't do it again.

This makes me think maybe I should go ahead and switch him now, since he can't reach the lever on the Frontier 85 and I don't trust him not to do it again and we planned to switch him in the next couple of months anyway. However, I certainly do not want it to seem like a reward after bad behavior. Like I said, he frequently has massive fits getting into his Radian and screams about wanting his blue seat. However, there are also many times that he gets in nicely and asks very politely if he can please have his blue seat in the van.

I know this is a behavior issue and I need to try to correct it, which I did. However, this is a very serious risk. Maybe he won't ever do it again, but perhaps he will... it freaks me out to think about what might happen in a crash. We're often out running errands without DD while she's at school. I have a mirror I could put on his seat, but he can kick it off or at least kick it so that it's out of position and I can't see it, so that's not much help.

WWYD? Thanks.

ETA: Realized I left something out... DH and I previously agreed that our bare minimum for him to ride FF is age 3, which he has met (just barely).

Maybe try telling him that if he's good getting into and riding in the car for say, the next week, you'll give him his new seat. Tell him if he fights at all, the week starts over. At three he should understand that. :shrug-shoulders: Or if not a week, maybe two or three days. That way it would be a reward for being good.

Is it possible to put the mirror far enough over that he can't kick it, but angle it so you can still see him?

I understand wanting to turn him so you can see if he looses the harness. But if you do that I would turn him in his current seat. That way you can deal with the safety issue without him being "rewarded" for doing something dangerous. For me, I don't care if he's asking politely or screaming or loosening his harness. Its still a safety issue and the answer is still the same, "You will get your blue seat when you're 4/at Christmas/when I say so."

disbugsmomma said:

Maybe try telling him that if he's good getting into and riding in the car for say, the next week, you'll give him his new seat. Tell him if he fights at all, the week starts over. At three he should understand that. :shrug-shoulders: Or if not a week, maybe two or three days. That way it would be a reward for being good.

Is it possible to put the mirror far enough over that he can't kick it, but angle it so you can still see him?

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I'm not sure if I could position it so that the mirror would be usable without him able to reach it, but that might be worth a try. Hadn't thought of that. I have been telling him that if he's good in the car we can talk about the blue seat, but when he's not, then it's not a possibility. I think maybe I've been too vague for him to understand though. Maybe I could make a little chart, and for each day that he's good in the car, he gets a star, and when he gets a certain number of stars, he gets his blue seat. He does know how to count to at least 10, so that could work.

babyherder said:

I understand wanting to turn him so you can see if he looses the harness. But if you do that I would turn him in his current seat. That way you can deal with the safety issue without him being "rewarded" for doing something dangerous. For me, I don't care if he's asking politely or screaming or loosening his harness. Its still a safety issue and the answer is still the same, "You will get your blue seat when you're 4/at Christmas/when I say so."

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My goal for him RF had been age 3 all along. DD turned FF part time at 3 years 4 months (though still RF in one vehicle until well over 4 years, almost 5). He's much bigger than she was and won't make it that long of course, but I do want to get him as long as I reasonably can. He made it past my bare minimum (agreed upon with DH). He's FF in DH's car because he nearly outgrew his rear-facing seat in that vehicle and I ended up giving that seat away to a family member in dire need. He's been FF 2-3 times and is over the moon excited about it.

You're absolutely right though that it's a safety issue, and that he shouldn't get to dictate when he turns FF whether asking politely or throwing fits about it. However, he did exceed my bare minimum for FF (which I should have stated in my original post, I apologize for the omission). He started asking before age 3 and was told absolutely not, that he was not old enough yet. DH and I already decided he'd turn FF in the next couple of months anyway, so now I don't know what to do... either wait a couple months, or just do it now.

That's also a good idea about turning him in his current seat. He won't like that one bit. We decided to ditch the Radian and get him a FR85 for a few reasons... one, I hate the FF install of that thing, two it matches DD's seat (yes, I know, priorities) and it would last him years. Plus, DH loves that seat and finds it easiest for him to use and feels most confident in his ability to use the FR85 vs. any other seat properly. However, it might be a good solution to temporarily use his Radian FF so that he doesn't get rewarded for bad/dangerous behavior. Thanks for the suggestion.

I'd only use the radian ff temporarily. Whenever you were going to put his blue seat in I'd still do it, whether its replacing a rf or ff radian. If you're ok with ff him now, that's great. I'd just tell him that its going to be when he gets ___ amount of stars so he hopefully doesn't see getting his blue seat as a "reward" for loosening his harness.

Also, where are the pictures of the livia and blue frontiers together? Cause that sounds totally awesome!

babyherder said:

I'd only use the radian ff temporarily. Whenever you were going to put his blue seat in I'd still do it, whether its replacing a rf or ff radian. If you're ok with ff him now, that's great. I'd just tell him that its going to be when he gets ___ amount of stars so he hopefully doesn't see getting his blue seat as a "reward" for loosening his harness.

Also, where are the pictures of the livia and blue frontiers together? Cause that sounds totally awesome!

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Yeah, today we had an extra kid riding with us. The Radian and the blue seat are in the van, but the blue seat is coming back out now that we're not taking an extra kid. He's going to FREAK OUT when I take it out, but I'm going with the star chart and FF Radian. I haven't decided on a number of stars yet. I must say though that I'm a little worried about him doing the same thing FF and me not noticing immediately. I can see him in my rearview mirror, but I don't constantly stare at him since... well, I'm driving. If he keeps doing it FF in the Radian I have no idea what I'll do. I can't let him keep riding in it like that, but I really don't want to reward his unsafe behavior. Hmm. I do have a spare Pink Sky cover set...

Oh, and pictures... I don't have them side by side yet (today the blue one was in the 3rd row). In my DH's car, I have the blue for DS and Pink Sky for DD. The Livia is in my van. Once he's in the blue seat next to DD, I'll post a picture. The colors are indeed very cute together. Pink Sky and the blue isn't nearly as cute side by side.

Well I guess if your ds has to wait to ride in his blue seat I can wait to see pictures. And I'd totally put the pink cover set on the frontier if it comes to that. But I'm stubborn and determined and have actually out-stubborned a toddler so I might be too extreme for some people

babyherder said:

Well I guess if your ds has to wait to ride in his blue seat I can wait to see pictures. And I'd totally put the pink cover set on the frontier if it comes to that. But I'm stubborn and determined and have actually out-stubborned a toddler so I might be too extreme for some people

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Well, I changed my mind. Back RF he goes. He did it only one time, so I'm giving him ONE more chance in order to keep him RF just a tiny bit longer. I think FF itself (regardless of which seat) is rewarding to him so I'm going to see how this works. If he does it one more time, he will be turned FF in something... either the Radian or a Pink Sky FR85. I would totally do that to him, but DH will flip out. Too bad if he does. I'm the one who has to deal with DS's antics. He rode RF again this afternoon and asked when he could have his blue seat (politely, actually, no fuss!) I asked him if he remembered loosening his harness yesterday and he sulked and said yes. I know he does remember. I told him that really scared mommy and that he has to learn to ride safely and nicely before he can have his blue seat. He seemed satisfied with that answer. :thumbsup:

I agree with you... you don't want to set a tone of giving into that kind of behavior... especially when it is risking safety.

After all, you don't want him to start the same kind of thing down the line when he decides he wants to move to booster mode.

When too big to rf, he can ff in the radian till he shows he can be mature to have the seat he loves best.

After all, Mommy and Daddy didn't HAVE to buy that nice blue seat for him... they did it because he had been acting like such a BIG and GOOD boy... so he doesn't need to use it until he can prove he's ready to act like one again... and stay that way.