Vent Family Issues

My mother-in-law graciously offered to take my 3 year old daughter for a sleepover last week. I walked her out to the car to find that the car seat she had was just all wrong... I believe it was some kind of Cosco convertible. The straps were set up to accomodate the 1 year old grandson she mostly has in her car (forward facing already I might add), the straps were all twisted to the point where they wouldn't even tighten on my daughter's chest, I'm pretty sure her head was sticking up too high above the shell, and I don't even know if she was properly tethered. I did NOT approve of the situation AT ALL, BUT, there has been much tension between my husband's family and myself and I didn't want to ruffle any feathers by pointing out that her car seat set up was not up to par. So I buckled my girl in as well as I could and let her Nana take her 1 hour away on a freeway and I kicked myself and feeling nauseated all night long for not speaking up. This is my baby and I am responsible for her safety- how could I let her go like that???? She was returned to me the next morning, perfect as the day she left, but had there been an accident, even a teeny tiny one, her safety would have been compromised in that seat.

Anybody have any advice on how I can politely break it to my mother-in-law that I am not comfortable with the car seat situation in her vehicle? She drive her other grandsons around on a daily basis (NOT my kids), so she will surely take offense as she thinks she knows what she is doing. I do not want to let my girl go again without ME first installing one of OUR SEATS into Nana's car.

I'm sure I'm not the first in this situation, so any advice would be welcome!!!

Thanks!
Megan

How about just "DD likes to ride in her own seat and its what I'm most comfortable with too" or "I know you have this seat set up for (the 1 yr old) so i'll just install DDs seat rather then you having to keep adjusting this one"

I would try to make it seem like dd really just loves her seat and you don't want to trouble grandma with having to adjust the harness height (which she shuld know would HAVE to happen to keep both kids safe)
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You said it in your last paragraph. Tell her that she can take her after you put in one of your seats. Just point out that her seat is set up for the 1 yr old and it would be a pain to change everything for 1-2 rides and it is not safe for your daughter because she is bigger. Then tell her you will go put in your spare seat which is already set up for your daughter and it will only take a minutes, much less time than it would to uninstall the other seat and adjust the straps only to have to adjust them back later. You could even point out that her spare seat is what she uses in other cars she rides in from time to time. Then she has no reason to take offense.
Your other option would be to buy a seat for her car but then you would still need to find a way to check the install. If you were to do that I would get something that has a no rethread harness that she could change the height of without uninstalling (most evenflo convertible seats have the infinite slide, the Maestro does not) so she could use it for any of the grandkids without uninstalling it.
Good luck, I have an unreasonable MIL who thinks I'm nuts to use a car seat, because my kids can't get out on their own in a crash if they are harnessed .

I just told my MIL that I would supply & install my sons seat in her car when she had him. I told her that I feel very strongly about car seats & that I want to make sure he is always safe.

You could also make it about being easier for her. Tell her what the others said about it being to much of a pain to move the harness up for her & her liking her seat. Just be nice about it & hopefully she will understand.

Thank you everybody- great advice. No matter what I say, I know I will ruffle some MIL feathers! BUT, it's my baby girl riding in that car, so I can be crazy car seat mom if I want!

Is there any chance that your MIL knows that it's not ideal for her grandson's seat in her car to have the twisted straps, but it's physically hard for her to fix the seat? Maybe she'd be open to having someone fix it up for her?

I honestly think she thinks her seat is safe. And it is likely that the mother of the grandchildren she watches either trusts grandma's install or doesn't check it. We don't get involved with that family for many reasons, but sadly I do not think that car seat safety is high on their priority list. I mentioned to my mother in law that I purposely bought Britax seats because the straps do not twist... she claimed it was the first time that had ever happened... but it was the 3rd time I had seen that in her car with that seat. I feel that she would be really insulted if I mention anything about her cheap seat or install technique, but then again, I'd feel really bad if anything happened to her grandsons. I'm torn, really. I know that when it comes to MY kid, I am going to speak up next time and make sure my girl is as safe as she can be!

Maybe once you install your seat, you could give hers a little shake. If it's loose, ask her if you can tighten it up for her and maybe say you learned it's not supposed to move more than an inch side to side or front to back at the belt path. Or say it sees a little loose, should I tighten it up for you? Or some such statement.

Good luck. These things are tricky and frustrating.

just make fun of yourself when you do it... "Oh, I know I'm probably being overprotective and picky, but I'll just feel better if I put her carseat in for you." then laugh... and say... "you know first-time moms." (unless this isn't your first/only child)

it's like when my dh refused to let my 7yr old daughter go with her brothers and cousin when his brother offered to take them all fishing. My fil was going along, so he had no trouble letting both boys go... but Ruthie just isn't mature enough... when my bil started to get offended that it was an insult to his capabilities or of those of his father, my husband threw out what they already think.... "look, you know me, I'm overprotective, probably paranoid, but I just wouldn't be okay if I let her go... maybe when she's 9"... then he pointed out that he still freaks out when I'm not following the kids on the playground (he's overprotective... I'm free-range... it balances itself out)

the point is... they're more likely to take it and be fine if you tease yourself in the process to make it clear you don't mean it as a criticism on them.

Everyone has given good advice. I can sympathize with you though. I was in a similar situation, only I let it go on for 10 months and never said anything. My MIL would take my 3 kids to church or out to eat (I was pregnant with the 4th at the time) and my 2yr old and 5 yr old went in backless boosters with the shoulder belt behind their backs and my 11 month old went in the FF integrated harness with loose straps. I felt horrible about it but I was scared of MIL, so I didn't know how to say I didn't like it. The only reason it stopped was because DH came home from deployment and we moved back here. Now she does the same thing with SIL's kids except she's using the lbb for a 1 year old and 3 year old. SIL is also not comfortable with it but is also afraid to speak up. I really hope something bad doesn't happen.
Since then I have posted on my facebook about how my kids will never be riding unsafely in a car again and if people cannot have them safely strapped in, then they won't be transporting them. When we go back home, which is likely if DH gets deployed again, I will have to buy seats for MIL's van and teach her how to use them. If she doesn't like it, too bad. My kids, my rules! I'm trying to get SIL to do the same.