Question Why is it harder to talk to family about car seat safety?

mlohry · Jun 5, 2011

I just bang my head against the wall when I try to talk to family about car seat safety. With friend's I have no problems telling them what to do and they are always appreciative and almost always thank me and follow my advice.

My aunt who pretty much is the primary care giver or her 2 grand kids is horrible, even though my mom and I both have talked to her. Yesterday I had to ride back from a shower with my aunt and her just 4 year old granddaughter. I knew it would be bad. She was riding in her brothers old seat and he is 12. The harness was on the top slots, but she was still too tall for it. I tried to buckle her in, just to make sure it was in tight, but the girl is very opinionated and wouldn'tlet me. My aunt buckled her in, she reached behind the seat to tighten the harness I think??? It was obviously way loose from the seat. The chest clip was not a buckle one, you just slide the belt thru it. I didn't say anything, just prayed we wouldn't crash, then when I got dropped off, she had undone the chest clip. I still didn't say anything. I feel horrible, for not, but seriously she wouldn't have done anything. The girls parents talk about how she always crawls out of the seat, thankfully she slept most of the way this time. My mom even gave them a FF seat one day that was a little expired from my kids that she used as an extra, not anymore for my kids, but she wasn't in anything. Who knows what happened to that. Money isn't an issue. So annoying. It's just feels like a waste of time to talk to family about things like this. There is not one of my family members that use seats correctly. I don't waste my breathe most days anymore, how about you? Now if they are in our car it's a different story!

momtotwogirls · Jun 5, 2011

yeah i dont waste my breath anymore. They just ignore me or I get the "ive been a mom longer than you and have more kids, so i know what Im doing" drives me crazy. My one SIL says she prides herself on always buckling her kids appropriately and if I point out something like her 5 yr old laying sideways in his backless booster with the shoulder belt behind him and the lap belt wrapped around his knees she just ignores me.

i used to be gung ho about help everyone but ive gotten to the point, Im sad to say, that unless they ask I just keep my mouth shut and rest easy knowing my kids are safe.

mama d · Jun 5, 2011

OMG!! I know!

I was just trying to help my brother last week. He has an older car and I wasn't sure the seat belts locked. Later that week my mom told me how he thinks I must think he is too stupid to install in a car seat! I was so mad.:banginghead: I made mistakes before I knew better and I really wanted to help him not do the same. Both my brother and SIL ignore me because they think I am just trying to question their parenting skills. They actually go out of their way to not ask for any help and I am worried about baby's safety.

I tried to tell him a doctor who works at my school turned her baby FF at barely a year and she didn't know better!

thepote · Jun 6, 2011

I guess it's harder because you actually care and have a connection to the children you're trying to protect. Also, family already has baggage and opinions of each other so your advice is colored by years and years of history, not just taking in the content

Anyway, just give the info and let them do with it what they will . Either they will make an effort or they won't. Sometimes it will open their eyes and they will ask for more help and info and actually follow what you say.... and that feels great.

I find that sometimes what people who really don't care will listen to what's legal and illegal. I'm in a proper use state and an expired seat and/or outgrown seat is illegal.

If they don't listen just shake your head and walk away and forget about it. This is just one of the many ways people can potentially screw up their kids. It's their life and their choice, and not worth family dischord over.

krystin_21a · Jun 6, 2011

The way I deal with it is to take the attitude "I can't save the world". If family or friends ask me why I do what I do with my kids I try and explain. Most of the time they tell me stuff like "well you're just being over protective" or something along those lines. The only one who has ever asked for advice and then took it was my MIL, which was odd to me, but hey, she did, so one battle won!

Just keep doing what you are doing with your kids and set a good example. That alone may help in some cases.

Maisie&BodensMommy · Jun 6, 2011

I agree - it is way harder to talk to family!
My cousins are HORRIBLE with carseat usage. My closest cousin had her 9 month old son in a cosco HBB a couple years ago. Now that he's 2, I doubt he's in any seat at all.
It's harder for me because I love them, and I can't just give the advice and walk away without worrying if I've hurt their feelings, made them feel defensive about their parenting, etc.
I have another cousin who was very receptive after I told her that her son had outgrown his roundabout when she posted a pic of him in it on facebook. She went right out and bought him a nautilus. Since then, she's had 2 kids, so I hope she remembers what makes a seat outgrown...

It's also hard for me to correct the people who will post links about carseat safety, and then 3 months later, show pics of their 4 and 6 year olds in no back boosters, sound asleep in the car, both leaning WAY out of their seats and one with the shoulder belt behind him. And the next day, post a pic of her forward facing almost 2 year old.

Brianna · Jun 6, 2011

The only person in my family who doesn't look at me like I have 3 heads when it comes to car seats is my mom, who is a pediatric nurse and understands the importance of properly used seats.

I just saw a FB picture of a 7 month old FF in a Nautilus, very loose straps, no head rest, straps coming below shoulders

:thumbsdown:

EssentialClarity · Jun 6, 2011

:yeahthatmad:

I have a HORRIBLE time talking to friends (mostly family) about car seat safety. I just started a thread about my experience a few days ago with my cousin. Him and his wife won't even harness their 14 mo. and 2.5 old in their seat properly--they only buckle in ONE side into the harness clip, and if you pull the harness away their bodies you will have 8 inches of slack.

I don't understand, I can't wrap my mind around it. It is impossible to keep kids safe from everything, but those things you CAN keep kids safe from why wouldn't everyone take that opportunity????

When trying to help (and being gracious about it), many times people's ego are ready to battle you on every point--they actually defend themselves instead of listening to facts that could save their children's lives!! :banginghead:

I even turned my daughter around FF when she was 12 months because I thought it was the right thing to do, then when I found that I was wrong, I turned her BACK AROUND at 2! I wasn't a bad parent when I didn't know and had her FF, but I would have been a bad parent if I didn't do something about it when I was told the facts.

MommaWhitney · Jun 6, 2011

Some of our family has been receptive, some not so much. Ive learned to only speak about it when asked. Ive gotten some really bad reaction from some family that involved me being picked on, called names and a huge family fight. It wasnt pretty. AND that was when I didnt even address them directly just articles and videos posted on my facebook. :-/

The only time Im really really picky is if they ride in MY car. You ride in my car you ride safely and at least legally.

EssentialClarity · Jun 6, 2011

MommaWhitney said:
Some of our family has been receptive, some not so much. Ive learned to only speak about it when asked.

I second that. It is a HUGE shame, but some people are just silly (nicer way of saying "decidedly ignorant").

Those that are more seasoned car seat safety advocates have learned that "you can't save 'em all," and sometimes after you have supplied the info, and have met some ferocious resistance, it is time to walk away. But, those of us that are newly informed are still excited about it, and want to spread the knowledge and help others out of the dark--but some are more interested in defending their uninformed parental decisions:fencing:, because some how if they acknowledged the FACTS, it would mean that they were wrong--and that simply cannot be:akimbo:!!

bekah · Jun 6, 2011

I'm with you! My brother put his kid in a booster at 4 (thankfully he made it to 4 I guess) but I tried to tell him about the Britax seats (no nautilus at the time) and he just said he was 4 and that was good enough.

Thankfully my BIL and his wife are actually pretty darn good at using car seats. Yes, they flip their kids a little after 1 (though they will wait until 2 now that the new recommendation is out, even though I told them to wait with their older kids), but they bought Nautilus car seats for each one and plan to keep them in the harness until at least 6...so that's better than nothing. Granted, their 5.5 year old is only 35 lbs and 40 inches so he could probably harness until 8 or so, but I'll take 6 any day over 4!

MommaWhitney · Jun 6, 2011

EssentialClarity said:
because some how if they acknowledged the FACTS, it would mean that they were wrong--and that simply cannot be:akimbo:!!

That is so true. Admitting you are wrong in your parenting is REALLY REALLY hard for people. They dont want to be judge so they just take up for what they are doing no matter what. And some will even put a twist on it and ridicule you and the facts. But what are you gonna do. You cant MAKE them. Its a parental choice, no matter how stupid their choice is.

tjham · Jun 6, 2011

Yes, I have a dear nephew who is a building engineer. His wife is a lawyer. When he told me they had just bought an Air Booster for their just turned 3 yr old., because they needed her MA for the younger child. I was as nice as I could be as I quietly came unglued! He said "But the box says 30 lbs and she's 33 lbs." I tried to explain why the mfg would say such a thing, but I could see he was losing interest and he shortly walked away.

I sent him an email with some links but I never received a reply. As far as I know, nothing changed. Two years later, he commented to my grown son something about his daughter being in a booster. My son said 'Oooh, don't let my mom hear you say that. She'll send you an email!" (He knew how I felt because we had his daughter in a MA until she was 7 1/2!) The nephew said, "She already has!"

DS told me about the conversation later. And no, DS did not stick up for me.

He always did as I said, I am grateful for that, but apparently didn't take the info to heart.

luckyclov · Jun 6, 2011

I think it's easier to talk to family and close friends about it. The way I see it, they already know I don't like to mince words or sugarcoat issues, so they tend not to be *as* offended when I tell them what they're doing could potentially kill their child(ren). And, at that same time, because they *know* me, they also know I won't pipe in on a subject unless I'm fairly well educated about it, so they tend to (most of the time) listen atleast somewhat carefully.

Hollyob · Jun 6, 2011

EssentialClarity said:
:

I even turned my daughter around FF when she was 12 months because I thought it was the right thing to do, then when I found that I was wrong, I turned her BACK AROUND at 2! I wasn't a bad parent when I didn't know and had her FF, but I would have been a bad parent if I didn't do something about it when I was told the facts.

Yes, me too, and this is what I don't get about other people. I flipped DS1 when he turned 1 and was getting ready to booster him when he turned 4, when I found this site. I have an ego too and don't like to be wrong, but this was a no-brainer for me. If it's safer (EH, ERF), then I'll do it. I was quite surprised when I learned about ERF, but I didn't let that get in the way of making my kids safer. I planned straightaway to ERF DS2 (who was 6 mo when I learned about ERF), and I went out and bought a GN for DS2 instead of a booster. Done. No hand-wringing, no indignant FB posts, no scoffing. Maybe I don't have a big enough ego??

DS2 will be 4 this month, and I HOPE our ped asks me about carseat use so I can tell her he is still RF.

EssentialClarity · Jun 9, 2011

Hollyob said:
DS2 will be 4 this month, and I HOPE our ped asks me about carseat use so I can tell her he is still RF.

Awesome!!:yeahthatlove:

mama d · Jun 26, 2011

EssentialClarity said:
I second that. It is a HUGE shame, but some people are just silly (nicer way of saying "decidedly ignorant").

Those that are more seasoned car seat safety advocates have learned that "you can't save 'em all," and sometimes after you have supplied the info, and have met some ferocious resistance, it is time to walk away. But, those of us that are newly informed are still excited about it, and want to spread the knowledge and help others out of the dark--but some are more interested in defending their uninformed parental decisions:fencing:, because some how if they acknowledged the FACTS, it would mean that they were wrong--and that simply cannot be:akimbo:!!

Oh how true this is in the case of my brother. He takes everything as a personal attack on his intelligence rather than helpful information and most of my dealings with him regarding this are like :banginghead:

turtlemama · Jun 28, 2011

It's easier for me to talk to family. I talk and talk and talk though. It's been a 2 year talk trying to get my cousin to listen to me on car seat safety. She has the "it won't happen to me" attitude, only does up the chest clips and doesn't check to see if the seats are installed tight enough and the list goes on. She will even make up blatant lies when I confront her on it. I caught her only doing up the chest clips and explained what could happen, she lied and said her 3 yr old son did it himself but then when I checked the 8 month old in the bucket, his was also only buckled at the chest clip! So there's no way he unbuckled his bottom buckles. I gave up, finally, after that. There is no convincing her. None.
My other cousin has actually told me "I don't want to hear your car seat bullsh&@!" He is about to have a child and doesn't even care. My family calls me paranoid, crazy, car seat nazi, overprotective, you name it.

Thankfully my sister in law is super nice and easy to talk to and listened to me and let me teach her how to install her seats. She even turned her 14 mo old back around.

The rest of my family is hopeless. My MIL has my niece and nephew, age 3 and 14 mo in lbb in her car for short trips.

Brigala · Jun 28, 2011

I had a family member look me right in the eye and tell me that she didn't know any different when she (A) flipped her kid when she hit 20 lbs at 9 months old and (B) moved her to a booster by her 3rd birthday because she was almost 40 lbs. I guess she forgot all those times I tried to tell her at the time, not to mention the time she got pissed off at me for buying a HWH seat to drive her daughter around in when she was in my car at age three. But, oh, now she has a friend/neighbor who told her how dangerous that was and if only she'd known better then she would have done the safe thing. :banginghead:

I think family dynamics play a big part in a lot of these problems. You can't talk to a family member who's the same age or older than you, because they remember you when you were just a little kid and they still think of you that way. You can't talk to an in-law or a step-family member because you're the one who is to blame for (insert family drama here). You can't talk to a family member who's younger than you because you're just an old fart who doesn't get what the current generation is going through...

EssentialClarity · Jun 28, 2011

Question Why is it harder to talk to family about car seat safety?

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