Vent How do you handle things like this?

andre149 · Dec 15, 2010

So P is still rearfacing with us, and will be until she outgrows the radian... but in her mom's car she's ff in a cosco highback that I'm sure she's close to if not already outgrown. This thing is never installed right, in fact on some pictures her mom has on facebook the seat is tipped probably 2 inches, and P is sitting straight nearly over the one side of it

. I'm so scared that something is going to happen to her. We've talked to her mom, given her all the information, she truly just doesn't care. I have no doubt that she will not buy another seat for her (She's 2.5 and about 37 lb, nowhere near booster ready) and will probably just use this thing in booster mode with a horrible fit. How do you deal with knowing someone is putting your child at risk... well, let me rephrase... how do you deal with it when she's technically obeying the law and the courts will do nothing, but she doesn't care enough to do the right thing. We have an extra seat (MA or MR)... and I would be more than willing to give her one except chances are she would sell it for the money and keep her in a crap seat. Realistically, I know there's nothing I can do... it's just really stressing me out knowing that she's getting close to the harness limit and we're really between a rock an a hardplace. I will never understand parents that don't care... and this is an ongoing theme with her in every aspect of P's life. Problem is she pulls it together just enough not to lose custody. Sorry... I guess I just needed a vent. Thanks if you made it this far

Baylor · Dec 15, 2010

I am sorry. I can not imagine having to put your child in someone else's hands to keep safe knowing they are really not being diligent. I have no idea what you can do. I am amazed at people that don't try to keep their children as safe as possible especially with something as simple as Car seat usage.

Can you scare her into it? I mean show her stories or just say, OH MY GOSH, Did you hear about that little girl that...........

I don't know. I am sorry. It must be torturous.

andre149 · Dec 15, 2010

We've tried the scare tactic... She knows the information, even p's pediatrician told her to rf to the limits of a convertible seat... It's truly a matter of not caring in this case. She will put her own needs before her child's... And it's cheaper for her to not buy a new seat and more convenient to ff her. We has to threaten to get the courts involved (we are in a proper use state) to get her to replace the crappy cosco seat after she was in an accident... And even then I'm not sure she did or just said it was a new one

Baylor · Dec 15, 2010

That is so sad. I am sorry. It must just kill you to think of her driving with this goober..

safeinthecar · Dec 15, 2010

Honestly, and this is going to be controversial, I would do a major, to the point of brainwashing practically, booster training and get her a Harmony Dreamtime HB when she hits 40#. It's not ideal, but it sounds like a case where it actually would be more appropriate for the 2.5 yo to be in charge of her own safety.

RYLANSMOM · Dec 15, 2010

It's awful she doesn't listen. That being said, I have been in your situation. My fiances son lives with his mother and does a lot of things that I would never do as a parent. We just do the best we can at our house to make him safe, healthy, happy ect. We have NO control over what goes on elsewhere in his life and that is the way it is. I used to get angry and mad and state my feelings on the matter. Now its more of me stating how I feel and accepting that to someone else it is their decision. You can't force the mother to change, and the more you try the more they rebel. Being a blended family is hard and I have had to come to the conclusion that while he is with us we do it our way, we have our own rules ect, when he is with his mother it is her rules her way and thats the way it is. He is not my biological son and even though I will be his step mom and I love him very much, it is still not my decision for him. You can only control what goes on when shes with you and you just have to stay firm with what you believe in. Trust me, as the child gets older they will get it. It took awhile but my fiances son is 5 and knows what he can and can't do at each home, what he is allowed to say and not say at each home. He used to try that but mommy lets me, or mommy says I can...but we have stuck to our guns and said what mommy lets you do at home is one thing, we have our own rules and you need to follow them.

Kegracin · Dec 15, 2010

Just throwing this out there, what if you guys provide the LO a new seat maybe a nautilus.

I provide my DS with his seat when he goes to his fathers, I've also got my DS trained he loves crash test videos and that's helped him understand the reason's to why hes gotta be in his booster when hes in the car. I know she's only 2.5 but depending on the child some times they can and will advocate for them selves.

autumnlily · Dec 15, 2010

How awful! It's so hard to see strangers not keeping their LO as safe as possible... but your own soon to be step-daughter whom you love dearly. I'm so sorry (((HUGS)))

I know it's not your responsibility to get her a better fitting seat... but what about the Maestro. Heck, smear some cheerios in it and make it look used so that she won't be tempted or think it's worth much???

Keeanh · Dec 15, 2010

That must be so scary and frustrating. Could you get a new Nautilus, make it look nasty, and get a friend of yours to give it to her? If she doesn't know carseats, she won't know what it is or what it's worth. Get friend to say "Becca was all fussing about P being too big for her seat

. I found this at a garage sale for $5 and it looks pretty big. Just tell Becca it's new."

Kobain's Mommy · Dec 15, 2010

I would follow through on the threat about replacing the seat after an accident. She'd have to prove to the cort it is a new seat.

cat mommy · Dec 15, 2010

If it is not installed right and she's not listening to the pedi, I personally would head back to court. And tell the court that dad would be happy to purchase the new seat.

smackeen · Dec 15, 2010

I would see if the courts could do anything about it. You said P is only 2.5, what does the seat that she is in go from for booster? 3 and 30 or 4 & 40.

Any chance you could see if that would constitute child endangerment? If she is using the seat outside of its specifications, then that is endangerment (if P is too big, etc)

Good luck. I cannot imagine how frustrating this is for you.

andre149 · Dec 15, 2010

Thanks for all your responses

as far as buying a new seat, we gladly would... But her mother is very money hungry and is in the process of filing bankruptcy. I have zero doubt in my mind that she would sell it for the money and go buy another seat.

Unfortunately because hers is a Dorel seat it's only stated that the child has to be at least 1 and 40 lb for booster use

. As far as proper use we can't do anything because of their crappy wording. We tried bringing up the car seat stuff last time they went to court (in conjunction with CPS confirmed neglect) and they don't care. It's heartbreaking... Our court system is horrible.

safeinthecar · Dec 15, 2010

andre149 said:
Thanks for all your responses as far as buying a new seat, we gladly would... But her mother is very money hungry and is in the process of filing bankruptcy. I have zero doubt in my mind that she would sell it for the money and go buy another seat.

Unfortunately because hers is a Dorel seat it's only stated that the child has to be at least 1 and 40 lb for booster use . As far as proper use we can't do anything because of their crappy wording. We tried bringing up the car seat stuff last time they went to court (in conjunction with CPS confirmed neglect) and they don't care. It's heartbreaking... Our court system is horrible.

That's why I suggested the Dreamtime. It's the cheapest HB that doesn't fall apart if you pick it up, and it is not worth enough to bother selling. Maybe next time you guys go to pick P up, you'll accidentally spill something gooey on her car seat in your car and need to "borrow" mom's for a day, while you have it you could accidentally break it and "owing" mom a new seat anyway, decide to buy a booster to make mom's life easier. You could "pay" mom for the crappy seat, in addition to providing a new one, to sweeten the deal.

There's no point in harnessing her if the harness is going to be half on the kid and the seat is only going to be half installed. Even a NBB that the child can use on her own would be a better gamble.

andre149 · Dec 15, 2010

In as much as I hate to admit it... I think you may be right. They do custody switch at daycare, so we really can't do anything about "ruining" her current seat, but once she hits 40lbs we could try giving her one. I hate that it may be our only option here, but I would rather have her riding safely than not knowing what to do. There is no way her mom will booster train her, she'll just stick her in and leave her. Ugh.

ETA: I do have a turbo, do you think I dare work on "training" her in that. I honestly don't even want to drive anywhere with her in a booster... would you just go multiple trips around the block at about 5mph?

safeinthecar · Dec 15, 2010

andre149 said:
In as much as I hate to admit it... I think you may be right. They do custody switch at daycare, so we really can't do anything about "ruining" her current seat, but once she hits 40lbs we could try giving her one. I hate that it may be our only option here, but I would rather have her riding safely than not knowing what to do. There is no way her mom will booster train her, she'll just stick her in and leave her. Ugh.

ETA: I do have a turbo, do you think I dare work on "training" her in that. I honestly don't even want to drive anywhere with her in a booster... would you just go multiple trips around the block at about 5mph?

Call her ahead of time and ask her to leave the seat because she spilled or something. You could train her in the TB, but I wouldn't give that one to her unless you are good with her using it backless. Yes, Very slowly around and around the block. Or off the road altogether. I take my two oldest out in the middle of nowhere and let them drive, so I guess I'd be good booster training off road.

lovemybabies924 · Dec 15, 2010

aww man that sucks! we have a picture of my step-son being driven to school..in a backless booster..in the center seat w/no seatbelt (or possibly a "just lap" belt and the side of the booster says thats not ok) but it really looks like no belt...and she was taking the pic WHILE driving..and its a perfect pic so u know she was looking! so we have this saved for court..cant hurt to bring up at our full custody hearing!

ILoveMy3Boys · Dec 15, 2010

I just wanted to say I'm sorry and I can only imagine how frustrating that must be for you and your DH. It's not much consolation but at least she is safe during the times that she is with you.

cookie123 · Dec 15, 2010

I can commiserate with you. The kiddos are pathetically restrained when with their father and the big kids have been in backless boosters for a very long time.

urchin_grey · Dec 15, 2010

The booster idea may be her best bet... I would wager a guess that its at least better than a loose install + a loose harness (and probably not tethered either).

And something like the Harmony booster or a TB would be loads, loads better than the highback in booster mode. -shudder-

And I agree, take her to a backroad somewhere (in her Radian) and move her to the booster to train. We'll probably be doing the same thing with my nephew as soon as he turns 4 because my sister's ex is somewhat lax about carseats as well.

Vent How do you handle things like this?

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