Why can't families be normal?

Splash

New member
Sitting on my back porch are four children, only one of which is mine.

Our friend Lori called earlier asking if we would watch the kids because her husband is drunk and attacking her and hopefully will be arrested if someone finds him. He's on probation for assault, among other things. He did some damage to her vehicle and tried to take the kids, when her oldest piped up that she was coming here (great). Lori HAD to go to school, if she misses another day, she's done. I'm SO supportive of her going back to school AND working two full time jobs while raising three kids with an abusive alcoholic husband who she won't/can't leave. I don't want her to get kicked out, so we told her to bring the kids here. When I told her that, I thought he was on his way to jail. Turns out he made off before the cops could get him, so he's blowing in the wind. He's drunk out of his mind, on a bicycle, about five miles from here (at last sighting). I don't know if he'll remember how to get here or not, but I'm hoping not.

SO Lori went to school and took her test and left early and is on her way to the family counseling center who will at least get her some free therapy. She didn't file a police report because she didn't have time. If he doesn't get arrested (which he will, if someone can find him, because drinking is a violation of his probation), she can't go home to night. But she sure as hell can't stay here. Her kids are good kids (5 and 3 year old girls, 2 year old boy), but I don't have room or patience for three additional children and their mother to be here. Plus, I can't put *my* family at risk having them here if he is on a bender and determined to find them and be an ass.

She brought me no clothes, no diapers, no car seats (ha! I have those!), and I need to feed these children. Her girls are fine, her son is driving me nuts and covered in snot. I can handle blood and feces and vomit but I just can NOT do snot. Especially when it's not my kid's snot. Which is why I always taught children old enough to wipe their own noses.

Charlie's scared of them, he's already injured with a 5+ inch cut up his back and a giant bruise surrounding it where the 2 year old tackled him and he fell on a board on the unfinished porch that is perfectly safe for Charlie alone but not Charlie being tackled by a kid twice his size. I am scared to feed them, because I know it will be a giant mess. Tuesday is kids eat free night (oh so tempting) at a lot of places around here, which eliminates me cleaning up the mess, but involves four tired and hungry children, three of which have had a day from hell, in a restaurant.

Plus, do I stay here or leave? I don't want him showing up here, but he might. I don't want to NOT be here when he gets here, and he might have a key. I don't *think* so, but Lori has a key and I suppose it's always possible he might have made a copy at some point. And while I want to be here to call the cops and prevent him from destroying my house, I also DON'T want to be here with four small children when the father of three of them is making a scene and too drunk to spell his own name.

I made Lori write a letter stating that she left the kids in my care, just in case he does show up moderately sober and demands to get the kids back. I mean, he's on a bicycle, so he can't really take them anywhere... but a cop could still tell me I have to let them go with him. He took her cell phone so there is no way to get hold of her if we need her. Thankfully she's getting counseling, good god she needs it. I hope they help her there. And I hope he's arrested so she can go home. But she doesn't want him arrested because she's in "abused wife" mode that he can't control his actions and that it'll be fine once he's sober and that he really loves them and AH!!!!! Why do women DO this? He attacked her in a bank parking lot and threatened her, how can she NOT see that he needs to be locked up? He's a drunk, he needs to dry up and get away from them. I mean, she sat there and told me that she doesn't feel safe going home or taking the kids to day care tomorrow, because she's afraid he'll hurt them, but then she won't press charges? What the hell?

What do I do? Kick her and three small children out? Tell her that it's her issue and not to bring us into it? Keep the kids but make her leave? What???
 
ADS

groovymom2000

New member
Honestly, I would offer to drive her and the kids to an abuse/crisis shelter. fYou are not her counselor, and that could be a really dangerous situation for all involved. Tell her you support her, find the address and get them where they can get help. That's a tough one, but endangering your own family is where the line gets drawn(at least for me). Good luck! :(
 

Victorious4

Senior Community Member
((((((((((HUGS to you, your friend & all 4 of those kids))))))))))

I was in her place at one time. 2 of the kids weren't mine, but they were in "our" care which meant *my* care since he was useless. There's nothing you can do to fix any of this for her. I'm sure you know that SHE has to be the one. I'm so glad to hear she's got such great support from you & isn't giving up on school!

I personally believe that until she realizes how rock bottom things can get she & her kids will continue to be at risk. Sometimes helping out like this is exactly what someone needs & sometimes it just isn't, sometimes it just lets them sugar coat things.... I can't know what the details of the dynamics of this particular situation are, but if I were you I would talk to her: I'd explain that you care & do want to help, but will not put your own family at risk either! Sometime we need to let go so that our loved ones can find their own wings :eek:

GOOD LUCK
 

AdventureMom

Senior Community Member
I personally wouldn't want to hang out if he knews where I am. I may just take them to eat, or pile them in the car and go - anywhere. If he has a key to your place, check everything out when you get home... Sorry you're in this situation. :( It's nice of you to help out, but in light of the Va Tech shootings, you never know when someone's going to snap. You've gotta think about Charlie first.
 
I've done some work in crisis centers, and one of the main things they do is get people out of situations, if they want. If the counseling center doesn't suggest she stay somewhere else and help her, there should be an abuse/crisis center in the area to help her. They can get her a place to stay that he won't find, and help and anything else she needs. So the best help you can offer her is helping her find a place to stay, if she wants.

Otoh, I am sorry that you're feeling dumped on and frustrated. I am with you, I do not do other kids snot either...ew! Crackers in paper cups outside? juice in paper cups outside? When there are lots of kids here, we always eat outside, unless the weather is too nasty.
 

trailrunnermom

New member
Honestly, I would offer to drive her and the kids to an abuse/crisis shelter.

Ditto this. The shelter people can probably talk some sense into her. She's probably overwhelmed by the thought of leaving...where do you go, what do you do, how does this work with the courts, etc. ...but the professionals should have answers for her.

Good luck! You're a good friend, but you're right, you don't want to put yourself or your family at risk. (My sis-and-bro-in-law had to do something similar for a former neighbor of theirs.)
 

joolsplus3

Admin - CPS Technician
Look up the number for the local shelter and offer to take them all there? A big pot of mac n cheese is easy to make and relatively clean...leave off the cheese and it's even cleaner. Pop in a DVD and let them zone out in front of it.
Feel free to gobsmack any jerk who claims straight families are always better than gay families, while you're at it :p
 

Loves2sing

New member
I am so sorry you are going through this. You are such an awesome friend, and if you believe in carma, what goes around comes around. Next time you need a friend just know that someone will be there for you too.
I would contact a crisis centre, and maybe just the knowledge that you don't want her to be there for the safety of your own family may open her eyes to the danger she is really in? heres hoping! Just a side note, maybe you and your family might want to stay some where else anyway tonight. If that loser thinks his wife is at your house, it may not be safe anyway. If he is out drinking now, he may be more dangerous later. Hugs and prayers!!
 

twom

New member
I'm so sorry you (and that woman and her kids!) are in this situation. I think the others have the right idea in taking them to a shelter. It gets them away from the abuser and into the care of people who know how to help them stay safe and move toward something more positive.

Stay safe!
Jody
 

JaRylan

New member
I'm in agreement with everyone else...call a shelter and take her and the kids there asap. The longer they are with you while he is on the loose is a risk to you and your family and is not safe for her and her kids. A shelter/crisis centre is the safest option and possibly will be the push she needs to realize a few things. You have been incredibly supportive of her but safety is my limit.

I would imagine you finsihed up with supper already but outside for a picnic is a wonderful idea...or an inside picnic on the floor with a plastic tablecloth is always fun. When everyone is done shake the kid off on the plastic, gather up the four corners and shake outside. My mom always used to do this for my birthday parties and I thought it was cool, now I know the other reason, lol.

Ouch for poor Charlie's back and your sanity! Snot is bad, i've always got a pocket ull of kleenex to deflect other children.
 

broken4u05

New member
First snot does not bug me. Vomit does.

You are a really great friend and i hope everything works out. Please let us know what happens. I hope they get him
 

MySillyKids

New member
My Cousins have been 'one of those kids', and the best thing to do is to GET AWAY. If he knew you/they were there, he would be there to come and get them. My uncle was the same way. i cannot tell you how many times my cousins were over at my house because of this, however we were a good 20 min away. My Aunt would always take the keys.

Anywho, good luck. Keep you and Charlie safe!!!!
 

Splash

New member
Well, he never showed up. He went to a friend's house and swore he wasn't drunk. She refused to call the police because she doesn't want him arrested. She went to her mother in law's over night, and he called here all night long looking for her.
We took the kids out to dinner. It was fun. The place we went happened to have a clown for kid's night, so they got balloon animals and the oldest got her face painted. When we got in the car to go, the three year old (smallest of the bunch) looked at the two seats in the back (RF BV and Regent) and said "Which one?" AJ told her to get in the BV so she hopped in it, threw her legs over the back of the seat, and said "Sooooo comfy, am I safe?" It was cute. I put the 2 year old in the Regent and the five year old in a booster with the belt locked (she rides in boosters occasionally, she does fine). All of the kids piped up right before we left, "I'm safe!" Apparently before she drives away, she asks each kid by name if they're safe, and they have to reply. I've taught her well :) (She's one of those people who REALLY CAN'T afford car seats, but she's always managed to keep each kid in an appropriate seat, even if it meant going without herself). All the way home we had the stereo blasting and all the kids bopping in the back. It wasn't the birthday dinner I anticipated (but the girls sang to me, which was sweet), but it was fun.

She was supposed to call us last night, but never did. She's got a meeting in Sarasota today and didn't know what she was going to do with the kids. I guess she figured something out. I made her make a pro and con list last night of staying with him, and the con was far longer than the pro.... oh well. She won't leave until she's ready. But I'm done bailing her out. I am her friend and want to help her, but this has been going on for years now (though it's only gotten this bad in the past year or so) and apparently she just needs to really hit rock rock bottom before she crawls back out. :(
 

arly1983

New member
I feel your pain. I have a wonderful, talented friend with a 2.5 year old precious boy. She has a nice job as the highend baby store up the road and paintes gorgeous embellishments on their wooden products and plaques and nursrey walls. BUT she is in danger of losing all that. Her husband has no job, is a drunk, and if mixed up with some drug dealers. Her house was shot up last week. Donovan has been staying with her mom for a month because the situation is too dangerous for him(thank God she realises that) and now people are coming to her job looking for him and of course the baby store owner is upset because drug heads are hulking around her store. At the moment they are BOTH staying with her mom because his mom will not take him in (smart women). I say, kick him to the curb. This the wild thing. She said, NONE OF IT IS HIS FAULT.
 

rlsadc

Senior Community Member
Well I am glad that things "worked" out...my mom was in an abusive relationship, so I know what its like to be "the kid"...Like you said, she wont leave until she hits rock bottom, and as long as she has a cusion...rock bottom doesnt hurt so bad...if it were me, I wouldnt take her or the kids next time...i know that it isnt their fault, but she needs to know that she is keeping them in danger, and just because they become "removed" from the situation, that doesnt make it okay. (this is the mindset my mom had "well they never saw him beat me" and "they wwere at grandmas"...ha! yea right...) anyways...like some of the pp's said...it helps her sugar coat it...good luck
 

TheRealMacGyver

New member
That sounds like a volatile situation Splash. It sounds like she is in denial and putting her children and herself in danger. We have all heard similar stories with bad endings. My personal thoughts after reading this (and some may disagree) is personal protection. Let's face it, you can't count on the police to protect you every minute of the day, just look at VA Tech as an example. If you/she are/is anti-gun, I would seriously look into tasers or pepper spray for protection. Both can be an effective means to fend off an intruder. In addition, either should include a class on using the device safely. Finally, keeping it out of the reach of children is paramount.

If this option is just way to extreme for you, I would at least look into a simple panic alarm system with monitoring. If you press a button, an alarm will sound and the system will notify the monitoring company, which will then notify the police. Alarms are not an effective deterrant for intruders, but at least the police will be on the way.

These things can't be taken lightly, we have to read the warning signs and take actions for our own protection.

I hope this story has a happy ending.
 
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Loves2sing

New member
Happy Birthday!:) I wish it could have been a better one! And if I lived near you I would insist on taking you out for dinner, and leaving the kids with my hubby! But I am in Canada, and that would be one expensive dinner ;)
 

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