Any stepparents feel powerless?

T4K

Well-known member
At least my TINY 3yo DSD is still FFing in her MA when she's with her bio-mom, which is most of the time. But my small to average 7 yo DSD is now without her booster completely. Yup, just the seatbelt. Mr. Thirsty and I live about 1000 miles away, so we only see them once or twice a month and have long summer and winter breaks with them. Because I'm just the step mom and he's the non-custodial (shiver, I hate that word) father, we obviously do not know what's best. SARCASM.

Anyone else in this situation? We've pretty much have given up and just come to terms with the fact that we can provide them safety when they are with US and everything else we just have to put it out of our minds.

I thought about the next time something is reviewed in court, like visitation, we request a stipulation about car seat use. At least to what is legal in the state. Has anyone done this? Is this completely ridiculous?

Sigh....
 
ADS

T4K

Well-known member
Thanks for the commiseration :)

I guess everything else in my step parent world I've come to terms with, but this is just so simple (and what biomom is doing is illegal) that I want to make it right, so badly. Not many people can understand that I do love and care for my step daughters immensely. Why else would I want them travelling safely as possible? To make someone else's life difficult? Seriously? :shrug-shoulders:
 

andre149

New member
It's so frustrating!! P's biomom is honestly, a disgrace to good moms out there... and I don't say that lightly. As far as carseat use, she's been ff with her since 12m old, even though their pediatrician said he wanted to see her rf until 2y (props to the ped!), and the pictures we have seen of peg in her car are horrible. Cosco harness booster thing, not tethered, installed so it somehow is leaning a good 3 inches on one side, belly clip, and a winter coat. It breaks my heart! We've tried talking to her, I even tried offering her a seat... she just doesn't care. I'm scared to death that as soon as p hits 40lbs (she's about 37 right now at 2.5 years) that she's going to booster her in that crappy seat. Honestly, I'm truly worried for her life every time she gets in her mother's car... and I HATE it.

I've even had to fight the battle with my df's parents to a degree. His stepmom asked me why we hadn't turned her seat yet, so I simply told her why and told her that she'll rf as long as she can. She then asked me if I was ok with her ff in their car the few times a month they have her... and I was honest, I told her realistically, no, I think she should still be rearfacing... but I honestly don't feel like I really get a say in the matter. Df allows her to ff with them, and they don't care what my wishes are. Df and I have talked about this and I told him how I felt about it (this was when she was still younger) and we just eliminated her riding with them for a while... now that she's 2.5 I'm ok with it occasionally... but just the feeling that no one really cares what you think/say because you're not the bio parent is really frustrating, and it's heartbreaking to see her put in such danger.
 

T4K

Well-known member
It's so frustrating!! P's biomom is honestly, a disgrace to good moms out there... and I don't say that lightly. As far as carseat use, she's been ff with her since 12m old, even though their pediatrician said he wanted to see her rf until 2y (props to the ped!), and the pictures we have seen of peg in her car are horrible. Cosco harness booster thing, not tethered, installed so it somehow is leaning a good 3 inches on one side, belly clip, and a winter coat. It breaks my heart! We've tried talking to her, I even tried offering her a seat... she just doesn't care. I'm scared to death that as soon as p hits 40lbs (she's about 37 right now at 2.5 years) that she's going to booster her in that crappy seat. Honestly, I'm truly worried for her life every time she gets in her mother's car... and I HATE it.

I've even had to fight the battle with my df's parents to a degree. His stepmom asked me why we hadn't turned her seat yet, so I simply told her why and told her that she'll rf as long as she can. She then asked me if I was ok with her ff in their car the few times a month they have her... and I was honest, I told her realistically, no, I think she should still be rearfacing... but I honestly don't feel like I really get a say in the matter. Df allows her to ff with them, and they don't care what my wishes are. Df and I have talked about this and I told him how I felt about it (this was when she was still younger) and we just eliminated her riding with them for a while... now that she's 2.5 I'm ok with it occasionally... but just the feeling that no one really cares what you think/say because you're not the bio parent is really frustrating, and it's heartbreaking to see her put in such danger.

I honestly don't think 3 yo DSD is 30 lbs yet but I also have the same horror, when will we pick her up with a booster in tow...it's just a matter of time. And since we travel by plane (mostly) to go see them, lugging car seats SUCKS. We've convinced her to keep a booster at her house for 7 yo DSD even if she doesn't use it just so we don't have to cart it around. Not sure what will happen next.

And to make it all worse, my first DC is due in about 3 weeks. So of course that carries all sorts of drama...
 

urchin_grey

New member
You won't be able to make her doing anything over the minimums, but if she's doing anything illegal in her state, you should certainly take it to your case worker (well, your DH should). You may even be able to get the judge to make her have her seats checked. That's what they did to my sister's ex.
 

kater-tot82

New member
Yes, and it's hard! My DSD is 7yo now. We have custody of her so she does ride properly restrained most of the time and has for 4 yrs. Before DH got custody and before he was knowledgeable abt carseats, biomom had a tiny 3yo in an Eddie Bauer seat in booster mode even though DSD easily still fit harnessed. Biomom told DSD she was "big enough" for the seatbelt/booster and that "babies ride in the harness.". Then biomom got in a car wreck and DSD got a big seatbelt mark across her abdomen but was thankfully okay...but I was horrified since it could have been a lot worse. She's been riding in a backless booster in biomom's car since she was 6 which isn't ideal but at least it's something. Biomom only takes her 2 weekends a month or less.

Another time when DSD was at biomom's, she went out with mom's boyfriend's parents and had no booster or anything at the age of 6. We are in NY which requires boosters til age 8. DH called mom about it and she just blew him off. We have really worked with DSD to reinforce why she needs a booster and to have her speak up in situations. Biomom currently has her 1yo forward facing.

So, yes, as a fellow stepmom, it's very hard! When the parent doesn't take child passenger safety seriously, though, it's hard to convince the child to, esp if that person is the primary custodial parent. We just had a baby 3mos ago and I plan to ERF with her. Sometimes you can only control the situations you and DH are in charge of--it's hard, and it stinks, but sometimes you're just powerless. Good for you guys for doing the best thing when she is with you though!
 

AnnaC

New member
Big hugs. How frustrating.


I have absolutely no experience with such things, but I would think that the court would be on your side to make the stipulation that she at least has to follow the car seat laws. I mean, it's the LAW! IMO it actually makes her look like an unfit parent (at least in that area) if she refuses to follow child passenger safety laws.
 

T4K

Well-known member
You won't be able to make her doing anything over the minimums, but if she's doing anything illegal in her state, you should certainly take it to your case worker (well, your DH should). You may even be able to get the judge to make her have her seats checked. That's what they did to my sister's ex.

We don't have a case worker (just an overpriced attorney)...I guess we could call and get one assigned if there is something illegal going on, in which case there is.

It's probably moot anyway, by the time a court date is set, DSD will be old enough to be out of a booster legally. GRRRR.
 

T4K

Well-known member
IMO it actually makes her look like an unfit parent (at least in that area) if she refuses to follow child passenger safety laws.


IMO she is an unfit parent! But I'm somewhat biased and rarely the family law system in place will hardly ever determine the bio mom to be unfit. It's a battle constantly that DH loses.
 

urchin_grey

New member
We don't have a case worker (just an overpriced attorney)...I guess we could call and get one assigned if there is something illegal going on, in which case there is.

It's probably moot anyway, by the time a court date is set, DSD will be old enough to be out of a booster legally. GRRRR.

Well, even if its "too late" for DSD1 by then, its still pretty likely she'll do the same thing with DSD2. Plus, just because DSD2 is harnessed right now, doesn't mean her seat is used properly. So I'd still make a point to have her ordered to have her seat checked/make sure DSD2 isn't boostered too early or out of a booster too early.
 

andre149

New member
You won't be able to make her doing anything over the minimums, but if she's doing anything illegal in her state, you should certainly take it to your case worker (well, your DH should). You may even be able to get the judge to make her have her seats checked. That's what they did to my sister's ex.

Unfortunately, what she's doing is legal... and when she hits 40lbs MI is a proper use state which in my understanding (someone please correct me if I'm wrong... please, I want to fight this so bad lol) means that it defers back the manufacturer of the seat. Because she's in a crappy seat the manual actually lists no minimum age for booster use, only 40# :(

We've recently been to court with CPS involvement for neglect on her mother's side... and they won't even take into consideration the seat use (oh yah, she was in an accident and continued to use the seat even though we'd told her it was not safe) because it's not "important enough"... it's so frustrating!
 

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