Vent How do you...

...convince people that you are NOT crazy for doing what you do in regard to car seat safety?

Please forgive my pregnant-lady crazy right now, but I just can't get these issues out of my head and need to know how everyone else deals with it...

I ERF with both of my DDs. My oldest just turned FF (one month shy of her 3rd birthday) because of weight limits. My younger DD (18 months) is still happily RF in a Recaro Como.

The problem I get from family, friends, and in-laws especially, is that they all think I'm nuts, listen to my spiels, and ultimately do what they want anyway. I am fortunate enough that my parents and my DH defer to me on all car seat decisions and leave it at that, but my in-laws and my sister couldn't care less.

My MIL began asking me when my oldest was just 6 months old why I hadn't "turned her around yet." At that point I could just simply say that it was illegal. She argued with me vehemently that at 20lbs, she was supposed to face forward. I finally stopped it somewhat when I printed out a copy of the laws and highlighted the 22lbs. AND 1 year old portion. After that, she was still on my case about it. I was still working part time (3 days a week) and she would keep my DD for free. I found out that on the days MIL had my DD, she was riding in a FF harness that was not even a convertible, and specifically stated that the seat was not for children under 2! We really had it out (which was UGLY because my husband was deployed and couldn't help me out with her), so I went out and bought a Scenera, installed it myself RF into her car and point-blank said that if my DD was going to ride with her, this was the way it was going to be. PERIOD! Shortly after that, we had an opportunity to see my husband while he was on R&R and she didn't have my DD for about 2 weeks. When we got back and I was dropping DD off, I asked her if she wanted me to re-install the car seat for her, and what had she done? She told me that she gave that seat away because, "I don't need it, I HAVE a car seat!" I then took my 8 month old (at the time) with me to work! I was fed up! Many months later, I was at her house when DH's cousin came over with her 6 month old after his checkup. DH's Cousin said proudly, "He weighs 20 pounds now!" My MIL responded (while GLARING at me), "Honey, that's GREAT, let's go turn his car seat around now, and they proceeded to do it right then and there in the driveway.

Now, my sister, who is ironically an EH fanatic thinks I am actually ABUSING my children by stunting their development since "they can't see to learn anything." This is a weekly conversation for us, and I'm just at my wit's end with her and tired of justifying myself. Keep in mind, this is a woman who bought a FF only harness seat for her 4 month old because he "screamed too much." Luckily, her special needs (blind) 5 year old is still harnessed in a GN.

So...

I said all of that to say this... I now have 2 DDs, and am expecting my 3rd. The situation with my MIL and car seats is so bad that my children have not ridden in a vehicle with her since that day (youngest NEVER has). Other than this ONE issue, she is the best grandmother anyone could ever wish for their children. And with a 3rd on the way, and a military husband that is gone a lot, there are going to be situations where I have no choice but to depend on them for help (I'm thinking specifically when I deliver and the older two have to stay with someone). My parents own their own business, and are out of town almost as much as DH, so while they are willing, they are not always able, to help.

I am continually frustrated with this situation because none of the people mentioned will listen to reason! No matter what literature, videos, etc. I present to them, they think I'm crazy! And not mama-bear protective crazy, they literally seem to think that all of this car seat safety stuff is just something I pulled out of thin air to make their lives more difficult.

Now, I've long since given up on convincing any family members to do the same with their own children. That is a losing battle. But HOW can I make them understand why I do it for MY children, and they need to understand THAT?

I really hope this little rant made sense... Sorry for the length...

That is really frustrating! Honestly, I would turn any of them in to the police that are ff illegally... maybe one person in the family actually getting a ticket for it would make a difference.

As far as your daughters... I would not trust someone like that with them, period. I know it's hard... but do you have friends or anyone else in the area that could watch them? Maybe one of your parents could take a few days off work? I just couldn't trust my child's life to someone who I couldn't trust to do what I felt was in their best interest. Sorry.

I'm sorry that you are having to go through this. I don't have much advice for you because everyone around me thinks I'm crazy too and I haven't found a way to convince them otherwise. At least I know I will be doing everything in my power to keep DS safe. All I can offer you is my support. Maybe involving the police if laws are being broken could help.

At that point? I just refuse to have the conversations with those people, and don't let them drive my kids, and pray they don't get in a crash with THEIRS.

I am sorry. I can feel your pain though. My MIL HATES car seats period. She put my barely 3 year old , barely 30lb son in a backless booster about a year ago. I flipped. She will now use the seat I provide for him (harnessed seat), but wishes I would put him in a backless. She also took my 6 year old nephew out of a booster completely. I bit my toungue HARD not to say anything.

I know how hard it is to have family think you're nuts. My brother & sil as well as my stepmother & mil think I am crazy. I stand my ground & ignore them though. This is my son, not their's. I will keep my child safe, period. Hugs!

ketchupqueen said:

At that point? I just refuse to have the conversations with those people, and don't let them drive my kids, and pray they don't get in a crash with THEIRS.

Click to expand...

Exactly. Ive given up on defending why I do what I do with regards to my daughters safety.

I rely on friends/neighbors. My parents will do whatever I ask and my Mom is totally understanding with all I do. My MIL, I would never dare to put my kids in her car! She refused to even heat a bottle of BM for my ds1, she mixed up formula (in a different bottle that wasn't even mine) for him. And then lied to me about it. That was over 8 years ago and while we still see them and love them, they have not watched my kids since.

Wait.... She GAVE AWAY a seat you PURCHASED for your child???

Short of having all of them meet with a tech (preferrably one from here, as not all techs are ERF savvy) and hear from a neutral expert, I would agree to disagree and leave it at that. If she is transporting your child, then the seats are to be used CORRECTLY. Period. Can you print the AAP recs as well? (Know you said prints and videos do no good- I don't see how seeing the crash testing firsthand wouldn't convince anyone, but I know some people are sooooooooooo stubborn as well...)

Good luck.

Whatever seat your SIL used to FF her 6 month old should have stickers on it advising the 12/20 bare minimum, and using it incorrectly is willful child endangerment. (stunting their growth by RFing? Dead kids don't grow...) What state are you in?

I just quit trying to convince them. They don't have to agree. They just have to follow my rules if they want a relationship with my child.

I'm not going to stand around and argue, because if they are going to go behind my back and endanger my child in one area, then you can bet they have no problems doing it in other areas.

I sort of enjoy having people think I'm crazy.

At a certain point, you have to forget about other people and what they do/think.

I agree with the PPs that said stop trying.....BUT.....I would let her know that she needs to follow YOUR rules and respect them because they are your kids. Then tell her she is a wonderful g-ma but she needs to respect your wishes. (repeat if necessary)
Good luck!

safeinthecar said:

I just quit trying to convince them. They don't have to agree. They just have to follow my rules if they want a relationship with my child.

I'm not going to stand around and argue, because if they are going to go behind my back and endanger my child in one area, then you can bet they have no problems doing it in other areas.

Click to expand...

That's it. My carseat use, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, public schooling, church-going, (and so on) decisions are simply not up for discussion. Big smile, and "because we're the parents and it's what we choose", and repeat as necessary.

LISmama810 said:

I sort of enjoy having people think I'm crazy.

At a certain point, you have to forget about other people and what they do/think.

Click to expand...

I kind of enjoy it too. I figure if thats the worst thing they can say about me thats fine!!

I agree. Respect youre wishes or lose privleges with said child(ren).

I bet they wouldnt have liked someone disrespecting their wishes when their kids were little. Maybe have a serious talk and mention that in a nice way.

If anyone questions why I do what I do and is not truly interested but rather putting my choice down (like carseats, not vaxing, homeschooling, etc)..my answer is always "Because I've put a lot of thought and research into this and I'm confident that my decision is what's best for my kids." End of story. No need to agree.