My DS is starting to...

complain about his seat & I sadly agree w/ my DH that it's likely because of my mom.

Almost every time I go somewhere w/ my mom in my van she makes comments about how the girls legs are cramped & that they are uncomfortable. She complains that I tighten all 3 kids to tight. Her fave thing to say is that I'm inhibiting the growth of the collarbones. Yup, she's a great one.

Now DS is starting to say that his legs hurt or that his neck hurts or that his seat is too tight. He's been busted unbuckling his chest clip & loosening his harness (I know the chest clip incident was more just an excitement for him that he finally figured out how to open it). Both incidents have only happened once as I pulled over right away to fix it & let him know he could get very bad owies if someone hit us.

I could handle the crap from my mom if it was only affecting me, but it's clearly affecting DS. I wish there was a seat he could RF in for a few rides so he could tell my mom it's comfy so she'd stop trying to get me to turn the girls.

My next talk w/ my mom is not going to be a good one. These car seat issues have been an ongoing battle since having DS & she can't understand why I won't let her booster him in her car. She barely uses a 5pt seat correctly for him that I'm not comfortable w/ her using a booster w/ him.

So, anyone got any nice calm, cool & collected thoughts & comments I can use in my talk w/ her to let her know that her comments are affecting DS's perception of his seat?

I would inform her that, if she has a problem with your parenting skills or parental decisions, she is to take them up with you privately and not involve the children because questioning parental decisions in front of the children causes discipline issues. I would explain that her questioning these decisions in front of your son has caused him to unbuckle himself while driving, which is creating an EXTREMELY unsafe situation and that if you were to get into an accident while he was unbuckled and he were killed or severely injured because of that, she would be largely to blame.

Maybe it's just the relationship I have with my own mother, but I wouldn't sugarcoat it. I'd lay it out like the potentially deadly situation that it has become.

Funny thing, she was in the car w/ us both times he did those things.

Nice thing though, the other day we were taking her to run an an errand, we loaded the kids & the goods she bought at the store. She had bought all the kids toys. DS wanted his opened so bad, so in my focus to get it opened I forgot to tighten him. We were on the road for 30 sec when we hear, "mommy, stop, I'm not tight". I quietly said to my mom, "see, he knows he needs to be in correctly". I think that made a big impact on her but clearly not enough.

I like your advice. It'll work best (sink in best w/ her) if I wait to do it the next time she makes a comment. I'll just politely let her know that her "opinions" about the seats need to be kept to herself as she's not the parent & that DS is starting to soak in her comments.

It was intended me for attachment parenting styles and how to respond to unwanted advice/questions, but I feel this applies here too. (Long but good piece).
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Bean Dip for AP parents:

The holidays include many hours with family. This can be a wonderful time. For new parents, however, it can also be a stressful time. New parents often feel their decisions are being scrutinized, debated and judged. My years as a mother (and one who has made some alternative choices) have taught me a few helpful things. One is how to deal with overly concerned and inquisitive family members.
The specifics will vary from family to family, but the principle behind the strategy remains constant. When setting boundaries, people (often moms) typically confuse setting the boundary with trying to convince the other person about how right they are in needing to set the boundary.

In setting boundaries, we don’t need to convince the other person you are right and they don’t have to agree about the boundary. We just need to be prepared to enforce the boundary, at any cost, using progressively more firm responses (if need be).

Here is an example:

First, I learned early on that most of my choices were on a “need to know” basis. Most people don’t “need to know”. If asked “how is the baby sleeping?” Answer: Great! Thanks for asking! Want some bean dip?

“Are you sure you should be picking her up every time she cries?” Answer: “Yes! Thank you! Want some bean dip?”

“When do you plan to wean” Answer: “When she’s ready. Thanks! Want some bean dip?” The majority of people will stop at that point. However, some others, for reasons of concern or poor boundaries, will continue.
In that case, you will need to set *firm* boundaries. They will need to be backed up with action (like hanging up, leaving the room or even the event). Practice kind but firm responses:

“I know you love us and the baby. We are so glad. Our sleeping choices have been researched and made. I will not discuss it again.”

Also, don’t confuse setting boundaries with trying to convince someone of the rightness of your choices. New AP moms often struggle with this. The boundary is that no one else has a right to tell you how to parent and create a hostile environment. You set boundaries by doing the above. Where new moms often invite problems is by citing authors, studies and sites to “defend” themselves. Each time you do so, you create more time for discussion and rebuttal and send the message that your decisions are up for debate. Don’t defend your choices beyond generalities, and then only once or twice. “The doctor is in support of our choices. Want some bean dip?


Finally, look them in the eye and say simply “I want us to have a good relationship. I want you to *enjoy* the baby. I’ll parent the baby - you enjoy them. Let’s not discuss this anymore. If you bring it up, I will leave the room.”

You've got some great advice and good luck with approaching her.

Bottom line IMHO, is that this isn't about the car seats - it is about her lack of respect for you as a parent.:twocents: If she's like this about the seats, she's likely this way with you about lots of things?

I agree that she needs to be told not to provide comment on the car seats or anything else about your parenting in front of the kids. You can have a heart to heart with her, and/or you can also just wait till she says something, anything, infront of them and say with a smile "We'll talk about this later"; then if she keeps going, "Let's not go there right now"; if she doesn't get the hint, then "My car, my kids, my rules. End of discussion". It all depends on your relationship with your mom.

Do your girls complain about being uncomfortable RF? I am guessing not, as it doesn't bother my 2 yr old one bit, in fact he loves the view he gets of all the trucks behind us on the freeway. I would ask her why it bothers her so much if it doesn't bother the kids? - provided that they don't mind of course.

Love that article.......Want some bean dip?
:thumbsup:

Have you tried to really explain it to her? I have a hard time with my mom, but she will do it right. Mostly because I panic. But I was worried about my niece when I visited my family in kentucky. I don't see them much so the relationship is not such that I can question. So I sat with my step-mom and showed her videos and told her this is why Emma is not in a booster and this is why we'll keep rear-facing. She had me show them to my step-sister. And then they bought her a GN and took her out of her booster. So I would sit with her and show her videos and say "this is why we do it. I know carseats are not something you used when you were a parent, but we know so much more now. What say is affecting the kids, so I need you to not talk about their carseats in front of them anymore unless you want to say how great they are." I also have shown them to my dd to explain. So she knows that what we do is to keep her safe. She was in Pre-K last year and most of her peers were in nothing.

I had this problem with my grandparents. Everytime they'd see my ds RFing at the time, they say "he looks soooo uncomfortable" and "he must be bored since he cant see anything" and tons of other things like that. They always said it right in front of him.

I dont talk to them anymore! Not because of that but it sure fixed the problem! lol Let's just say this was tame for how disrespectful they are normally.

I also suggest a heart to heart with your mom and explain to her that she's being disrespectful by challenging your parenting in front of your children. She wouldnt have wanted someone doing that to her as a mom.

Good luck. Family is fun!

sometimes I just like to say... "you raised your kids... It's my turn to raise mine. I know you love us, and if I need advice, I'll definitely ask you."