Birthday parties and food allergies/special diets

scatterbunny

New member
How do you handle situations like birthday parties with kids who have food allergies and/or are on special diets?

Yesterday I decided to give in and let Hayley have birthday cake and whatever fruit-flavored crud they were giving the kids to drink. The cake was a standard grocery store bakery concoction, white cake with red jelly filling, with HOT PINK and PASTEL GREEN frosting, with My Little Ponies all over it. Very cute, but very full of bad stuff. :(

The party was over at about 4:30 pm and we came home. She started acting up, being very angry, high-strung, histrionic, needy, demanding...she had tantrums off and on all evening and night, hitting and kicking her bedroom door, until she finally went to bed. :(

I think it took THIS to finally totally, 100% convince Mark that food, specifically certain things IN food, had such a strong effect on her.

Today she's had sugar (which we used to be pretty strict about, and still do limit somewhat), but no artificial, chemical stuff, and no dairy, and she's been an angel...even more well-behaved than usual, which I sometimes notice after she has a particularly bad meltdown day. It's like, she gets it out of her system for awhile. Or maybe she just doesn't have any slips on the diet and is fine for awhile. I REALLY need to start keeping a food/behavior journal for her.
 
ADS

Patriot201

Car-Seat.org Ambassador
Wow! That does seem to be good evidence!

Food allergies/special diets can be difficult to handle. I am a vegetarian who has severe food allergies. I have never asked anyone to make special food to meet my vegetarian needs, but I have had to avoid situations/homes/parties in order to accommodate my food allergies. Most people have realized that I can't be in a situation where I might be exposed to my allergens (they have understood that my allergies are life-threatening) and thus will eliminate those allergens from homes/parties when I am going to be there. The special diet (in my case, vegetarian) is not something I have ever expected people to accommodate.

If you explain that Hayley has extreme food sensitivities, you are probably more likely to get people to accommodate her special diet.

Good luck!!
 

scatterbunny

New member
Thanks. :)

I don't so much want or expect people to accommodate her; I would never expect someone hosting a birthday party to make something special for her. If they did, wonderful, they would be going way above and beyond.

I guess I just want to know, do you just avoid these situations and not let your kids go to parties and group gatherings, or do you pack your own food? If so, I need to get some yummy dairy-free cake/cookie recipes soon so I can be prepared for the next party that comes along. :p

I do definitely need to talk to the parents of the two neighbor girls Hayley plays with, so they understand that she can't snack on whatever when she's over there. I feel like I can't just say "she's allergic" because we don't know that she tests as allergic; but I don't want to go into the whole behavioral thing either, because then people won't take it seriously!
 

Patriot201

Car-Seat.org Ambassador
I avoid situations that I know are unsafe for me (like certain restaurants), but food allergies are a little bit different. There doesn't seem to be a need to completely avoid situations unless you know that there is no way Hayley will be able to eat the treats without having a reaction.

I completely understand not wanting to go into the whole behavioral explanation. If people ask, perhaps explaining that Hayley reacts strongly to certain food additives is enough. It is none of their business HOW she reacts. They just need to know that she does react.

Sorry I can't really help. I do wish you (and Hayley!) nothing but the best of luck! :)
 

Yoshi

New member
Besides the food with all the artificial coloring and bad ingredients (major preservatives in grocery store cake) something to consider as well is that after a lot of excitement and activity, it is hard for kids with sensory/ and or behavioral problems to "unwind" for lack of a better word. I'm sure you know this, as you know your child better than anyone. After a particularly exciting day PLUS all that bad food, it was probably more intensified, though. I guess the best thing to do is talk to Hayley about anything you might decide to do in the future when a party invitation comes, so she understands. You can also give the host some generic info on your dietary concerns- without explaining anything- just something like, "We don't let Hayley have "blank" and "blank", so I'm sending this treat for her to have at cake time" As a teacher, I had students with allergies not able to participate on class party days, as well as Jehovah's Witnesses who couldn't even be there for a party, and the kids generally take it in stride.
 

Victorious4

Senior Community Member
I agree with trying to establish a sort of "wind down" activity after big events like that.... I also wonder how much of this might be a self-fulfilling prophecy? I mean, if she hears that junk foods (etc.) have this kind of effect on her she might subconsciously be acting out simply because it's what is expected. I'm not saying she's manipulating you on purpose, but even adults are at the mercy of their own self-fulfilling prophecies without realizing it :eek: I would tread carefully: I'd involve her in keeping track of her diet + moods/behaviors, but I would not make any connections between them in her presence just yet. I'd wait to say "this is what's happening & this is what we're going to do" until there is enough obvious proof on paper to share with her -- then I'd try to involve her in making a list of options to cope with temptations/repurcusions so that she feels a sense of ownership over herself. I strongly believe (based on my adopted niece being diabetic) that even though food can have such a strong impact, young kids can still learn to develop the personal powers to handle themselves appropriately. It takes tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime though....
 

Gypsy

Senior Community Member
We never go anywhere with nuts, I call parents as soon as I receive an invitation to discuss dd's allergies. Nuts are her *only* food allergy that she can't even be around.

I then find out what kind of cake (chocolate/white) & what color frosting there will be, and what flavor ice creams. Then I make dd a few matching cupcakes & bring safe ice cream for her.

Dd has been having different (but the same, because I make it to match) food her entire life, she is used to it, she appreciates the extra effort I go through to make her feel included :)
 

Gypsy

Senior Community Member
INGREDIENTS:

* 1 1/2 cups unbleached all-purpose flour
* 1 cup sugar
* 3 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa (or leave it out for white cake)
* 1 teaspoon baking soda
* 1/2 teaspoon salt
* 1 teaspoon vanilla
* 1 teaspoon vinegar
* 5 tablespoons canola oil
* 1 cup cold water

PREPARATION:
In a large mixing bowl, mix flour, sugar, cocoa, soda and salt. Make three wells in the flour mixture. In one put vanilla; in another the vinegar, and in the third the oil. Pour the cold water over the mixture and stir until moistened.
Sponsored Links

Pour into 8 x 8-inch pan. Bake at 350°F. oven for 25 to 30 minutes, or until it springs back when touched lightly.


Coconut Cream Frosting

INGREDIENTS:

3 cups confectioners' sugar
1/2 cup shortening
1/2 cup Nucoa Margarine
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1 to 2 tablespoons coconut milk
FOR CHOCOLATE FROSTING ADD 1/4C Cocoa

PREPARATION:

Put all shortening, margarine & vanilla extract in bowl & blend. Add confectioners sugar and mix on low speed until well blended and then increase speed to medium and beat for another 3 minutes.

Add coconut milk and continue to beat on medium speed for 1 minute more, adding more coconut milk if needed for spreading consistency.
 

southpawboston

New member
I agree with trying to establish a sort of "wind down" activity after big events like that.... I also wonder how much of this might be a self-fulfilling prophecy? I mean, if she hears that junk foods (etc.) have this kind of effect on her she might subconsciously be acting out simply because it's what is expected. I'm not saying she's manipulating you on purpose, but even adults are at the mercy of their own self-fulfilling prophecies without realizing it

that's what i was thinking...
 

southpawboston

New member
Besides the food with all the artificial coloring and bad ingredients (major preservatives in grocery store cake)

not to mention tons of high fructose corn syrup, which has been shown to be much worse than regular sugar for hyperactivity. plain old sugar can cause hyperactivity with some kids, but it's generally much more benign than any of the corn syrup derivatives or other artifical sweeteners. we use turbinado sugar (the kind that "sugar in the raw" is) for pretty much everything, and even though our DD1 RARELY gets sweets, we've never noticed any odd behavior after giving her sweets...
 

scatterbunny

New member
Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. :)

She really always has been sensitive to foods, but I never made the connection until recently. I let myself think it was the sugar alone for awhile, but I think that's not really it.

Anyway, I do appreciate everyone's ideas and help on this!
 

skaterbabs

Well-known member
I always offer to bake the bday cake - and my two most requested cakes are carrot w/ cream cheese icing and chocolate w/ chocolate icing or chocolate-cherry w/ chocolate-cherry icing. The parents love it because that's a huge expense that they don't have to deal with and the kids love it because it's yummy. ;)
 

Victorious4

Senior Community Member
Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. :)

She really always has been sensitive to foods, but I never made the connection until recently. I let myself think it was the sugar alone for awhile, but I think that's not really it.

Anyway, I do appreciate everyone's ideas and help on this!

I don't want you to think I don't believe you -- I just think I would be careful not to give her the "excuse" (not quite the right word) that because she's sensitive she will always have such reactions ... because the reactions are behavioral based & can be controlled even when foods are doing funny things inside her. I'm hypoglycemic & get super cranky quickly when I don't eat: it becomes a necessity to focus not only on what/when I eat, but also how I handle my reactiveness towards others. My niece was diagnosed with diabetes at just 2 & has been having to learn the difference between physical symptoms vs. how she allows herself to behave in response to them. She's 8 now & still learning of course, but could EASILY behave the way you described Hayley. I don't doubt you're approaching this from various angles ;) Just thought you may want to also focus on not discussing it in front of Hayley until she's reach the point where overhearing won't influence her behavior, KWIM?
 

skaterbabs

Well-known member
we go through that with the boys, especially with CJ, because he gets so verbally abusive (to himself as well as the rest of us) off-diet.

After he broke the windshield we had a nice long talk with him that while we understand that his decision-making was impaired, that didn't excuse his ACTIONS and that he's responsible for them, impaired or not.

After all, if he goes out drinking when he's an adult, the judge isn't going to take "I was too drunk to control myself" if he decides to drive.
 

TheRealMacGyver

New member
Good topic Jenny. I am going to tell you a story about my fifth graders. At school parties are the inevitable, and I can tell you first hand that kids do react. I always put parties off until the last part of that day (sorry parents) so I can go home half-way sane:crying: There is no doubt that "sugar" gives them an energy boost. I half agree with papooses that some, if not all, kids react because of a mental connection that they should get wired, because they just ate cake (or whatever). In many cases, the kids are just wired because mentally they think they should be. There are, however, kids that just can't control this reaction. I had a girl in my class that would have such a reaction to sweets that it was almost comical. Of course, I was not laughing, it was just an amazing transformation to witness. In these unavoidable situations I think you have to do what good parents do, and that is stand up for what you believe in. Be firm, but respectful, and let your child know ahead of time that they can still have a good time, they will just walk away feeling better about their choices (or should anyhow). This is a very tough situation, I have had Jehovah's Witnesses as well, and to see those kids go to the library while the rest of us have a party is heart wrenching. I personally don't think keeping kids away from those activities is healthy (I'm not saying anything against a religion, so please don't take it that way) I think kids should have fun, that's what kids do. It's late and I feel like I'm rambling, so I'll end it there. Good luck and good topic too.
 
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Suzibeck

Active member
When we were dealing with food allergies (dairy, wheat, eggs), I would take cake and ice cream with us to parties that my kids could eat. I didn't want them to have to miss out, so this worked well for us. They would sometimes feel a bit bad that they didn't get the exact same thing as the other kids, but understood it was that or nothing. I used to keep safe cookies in the freezer so I had stuff on hand to make substitutions when people gave the girls things they couldn't have. One uncle was particularly bad about this, but he meant well. At least I hope he did.
 

kangato2roos

New member
We have some minor food allergies (nothing to the extent others have commented on, and nothing to the extent of Hayley) and we keep kosher-style, so special diet needs as well.

Ds can't have milk. He can have some small dairy products baked into goods, but he can't have milk, yogurt, or soft cheeses. Hard cheese in very small amounts is okay. He's also allergic to citrus so I have to watch that (and it sucks, he LOVES oranges and can't eat them without breaking out into hives). My dd so far has no food allergies that we've detected.

Keeping kosher-style is what causes some of the issues. We don't eat pork at all, no shellfish, and we don't mix meat and dairy in the same meal. When dd gets a party invitation, I make sure to talk to the parent when we RSVP. I ask what kind of foods and drink they are having. If they have pizza, I ask what kind. I never request they get a specific food for my dd (cheese pizza or veggie pizza as opposed to pepperoni for example). If they are grilling hamburgers and hot dogs, I ask if it's okay if we bring out own and I explain why. I'll go pick up a pack of Hebrew National hot dogs and they grill them at the same time as the rest of them... which isn't technically totally kosher, but it's about as kosher as I can get in this town, and hey, I take what I can get. Most parents are more than willing to accommodate special needs and I make sure to express my gratitude.

So far my dd hasn't complained about getting special stuff or not having the same thing as the rest of the partygoers. We've talked a lot about why we eat the way we do and the choices we make in situations like that.
 

Michi

Member
I usually explain to the parents of the birthday child that my child has food allergies, and ask if they would mind if I brought a "safe" cupcake for my child to eat. (I let him help decorate the cupcake so it's special for him)
I've never had a parent that has had a problem with this...and my son is very good about it , too.
 

LEAW

New member
Jenny, just because it's not an "allergy" on a skin or blood test doesn't mean it's not an allergy. I would treat it as an allergy and tell people that it is an allergy. The specific food causes a specific reaction, that's all they need to know. You can say "they are not life threatening allergies" if you want, so they don't call 911 when she has a bite of ice cream at their house... ;)

TBH I think it's important to talk to her about her behavior - the next day you can sit and say "do you know how last night you kicked and hit and screamed and had a hard time talking to mommy? blah blah does it make you feel good to be out of control like that? would you like mommy to help you stay more in control of your body?" - and explain that the foods cause reactions in her body and that there are safe choices she can eat, and that she can ask you for help before eating something so that she can stay in control of her body better.

Given your stories on here, I doubt she's acting out of control because she can, or as a "fun" reaction to eating foods you say make her out of control.

We pack our own food for all events... I have dh call MIL and find out what she is serving, and I make a parallel meal for dd and I to eat. MIL never makes safe food - and even if she tells me it's safe, she almost always starts a pan with butter, so she might make a "dairy free" meal but there is butter in there! It's easier to make a meal to take than it is to go through all of the steps of cooking a meal with her.. she doesn't understand and never will. My favorite was the bday party - rather than have cake (which we do let dd have even with all the colors and crap) she had icecream cake, which dd can't have at all.

At my family I just go, they have adapted the big family meals to meet our needs (it was easy...). I also pack food for friends, parties, picnics, etc. and when we go somewhere that we are new (the first 5-6 times at a playgroup even) I introduce myself with a "please excuse me when I come running and dive over you to stop dd from eating something, she has food allergies and I have to be careful with her foods" - usually this gets them on my "team" and they keep an eye open for her, or at least make sure their kids aren't sharing PB sandwiches with her, etc.
 

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