Am I a horrible mommy...

DahliaRW

New member
...if I let my 3yo ff?

My plan when I bought the CA was to try to make it to 4. Ds2 is around 35-37lbs clothed on any given day. A couple of days ago my ds1 asked to sit in the middle row of our van because he wants to sit next to his sister (who is rfing). Ds2 was excited to ride in the 3rd row, but HATES being rfing there. He begged for "car seat go this way" as he sat on the seat facing the front. Turned him around just to get home from the park without temper tantrums from the boys and everyone is as happy as a clam.

So, do I be a mean mama and turn him back around (and upset ds1 because the only way I think it'll work to get him rfing is to move him back to the middle row)? Is there a huge safety difference at this age? I would guess in another 6 months he'd be too heavy to rf in the CA anyways (gaining weight/growing rapidly + the addition of winter clothes).

And of course he is tethered.

(as a side note, the CA makes a really nice ffing seat. Just the right amount of recline for sleeping, IMO)
 
ADS

bobandjess99

Senior Community Member
no, i dont think it's awful to let a 3 yo FF, but is it the only solution? for example, how about putting the baby and older child in the 3rd row, and the 3 yo RFing in the middle row? Or put all 3 in the same row?
 

Carrie_R

Ambassador - CPS Technician
No, I don't think you're a horrible mommy at all. I'm definitely an eeeeeeerf advocate, with my thoughtline being if you can, and no one minds, and it's safer (even a little bit,) then why not? But if all of those criteria don't exist -- if you can't, or if someone minds -- then by 3 or 3.5 I don't stress out about it or condemn someone for opting to FF.

At his age, there is a safety difference (as there is for everyone, even adults,) but we don't know what the margin is. You have the info, so you can make an educated decision on how important you feel it is. If you feel okay with him FFing and it will make your life easier, then do what's right for your family. I don't think even those of us who might opt to RF our kids to four or longer would classify someone as a "horrible mommy" for "only" RF to three. The fact of the matter is, you've done great to get this far. :)
 

carseatcoach

Carseat Crankypants
I realize it was slightly tongue-in-cheek, but I think it takes a lot more than not adhering to the bestest of best practices to be a "horrible mommy" (and I would even apply that to a FFing 20mo old as well as a FFing 3.5yo).

I would not have a problem FFing a 3.5yo.
 

Chely7425

New member
I don't think it makes you a horrible mommy at all! Our oldest son (27 months) has 5-ish pounds left before he outgrows the CA RF and we plan on turning him around when he does...
 

ulrich7

New member
I have been thinking the same thing. My 3YO wants to be FF in the back by her brother. I bought a RN80 to keep her RF as long as possible, but have not been happy with the RF install (I keep adjusting it constantly). I just keep thinking that my oldest 3 were FF at 1 year old (or maybe a little earlier) and the 3yo was FF at 1 year until she was 2 and I discovered this board. I think RF to 3 is really great!!! When I rearrange again I am going to put her FF.
 

Maggie

New member
No it wouldn't.

And it ticks me off a little that people get that vibe from this board. Not at you OP, but I just get upset that people come here to read and get help, and then because of some posts, feel like they're bad if they FF a 3 year old.

My 3 yo is FF.
 

babyherder

Well-known member
No. I think you're a good mommy for getting all the safety information and considering your options before you make a decision, whatever that decision is.
 

Carrie_R

Ambassador - CPS Technician
Heather, that blog is hysterical. I think I did buckle my purse in once... it had something really heavy (tape measure?) in it.

Maggie, I feel like there's a fine line, I know I myself dance around it... in some posts I feel like I say, "yes, RF your almost 4yo!" and in others, "It's okay to FF your child at 2.75." For me, a lot of it is how things are phrased. If a parent WANTS to RF their child, and is asking for help in how to make it happen (like Chely,) that's different from a parent asking if I/we consider it deadly to have their child FFing. Or if someone is asking, "would you buy a new seat to RF this child," well, yes, I probably would, and here's why.

Like with this OP, I probably would opt to leave the child RFing, BUT I don't think she's being terribly dangerous, deadly, irresponsible or lazy by turning her child. Under two, I'll pitch a fit, between two and three, I'll be fairly strong in my opinion, after three, I'm hands off. There are studies that support it longer than that, but that doesn't mean I'll crucify someone because they disagree with it.

My 3.5yo charge still RFs; partially because that's the way the seats fit in my vehcile, partially because I paid $$$ for his seat and I'm darn well gonna use it to its limits, and partially because I cannot internally justify making him LESS safe (even if marginally so.) OTOH, this week the baby was sick, so I only had one family -- kids are 8, 6, and 3.5. Older two sit in the second row, little one is RF in the back. The other seat in the second row is the 5yo's tethered Nautilus. 3yo asked if he could sit with his big brothers and when I weighed the risks, I realized I was being a bit overzealous by not giving into his reasonable request. To me, the margin between 'very safe' and 'extremely safe' on a brief trip was not worth the emotional meltdown of this child, so I moved the straps (and realized that a side benefit of having him RF is not hearing how *loud* he is!) And yes, I would take a knife away from him :p At 18mos, he didn't get to call the shots. It's on a sliding scale.

I struggle a lot with advice, because what *I* would do and what I feel others should do is totally different. I also have a lot more patience for someone who says, "I want to FF because it's easier," than someone who says, "Well, I can't RF because of x, y, and z," when that's poppycock and we can come up with five different ways around each situation.

So, various posts call for various answers; I think that's true for both myself and many (although not all) of the folks who advocate RFing "as long as possible." Would I? I would, but just because I would doesn't mean you should, kwim? But it's the phrasing of the question that differentiates the answer.

In posts like this one, it boils down to yes, I'd buy a new seat to RF the child, yes, I'd keep the child RFing, but no, I do not in the least thing she's a horrible mother if she opts to FF at this age. If the benefits are not worth the struggles to her, at 3, and she's okay taking the gamble that RF isn't that much of a difference any more... I'm not going to argue with that call. The OP has spent enough time around the board to make this an educated decision.
 

Wiggles

New member
At 3, you made it past 300% of the normal rear-facing use (If I'm doing the math right). At 3.5, you've made it past 350% of the normal rear-facing use. Your child has been so much safer than other children for so long and I think that's an AWESOME thing. Not a horrible mommy thing at all! And if your carseat is installed correctly (which I KNOW you will make sure it will be), then your son will still be safer than 70-95% of all the other children on the road.

He's STILL safer than most!

So no, DEFINITELY not a bad mommy. An AMAZING mommy who loves her child very much and wants all the best for him and does her best to get it!
 

DahliaRW

New member
Thanks all. I hate second guessing everything. And trying to balance child's preference with keeping everyone happy and safe. My first was turned ffing at 18ish months, so ds2 is doing WAY better in that regards (at the time we only had a MA, nothing else tall rfing was on the market I was aware of, and ds1 was complaining about his legs hurting).

I don't think moving dd to the 3rd row would work because she'd be upset when ds1 wasn't with us (and since he'll be in school next year and such he's not back there as much).

Right now I'm keeping it as is and going to think about it some more...

--

I have to admit, I'm laughing thinking about the "safest" situation (spurred by that blog post). If I REALLY wanted to be safest, I'd sell my sienna, get a car the radian worked well in, and purchase a 45lb rfing radian for ds1 and turn him back around.

yeah, not going to happen!
 

my2kidsSafe

New member
If it does then i am a bad mom also. My 3.5 is ff as he is 43 lbs naked so most likely clothed he will be more than 45 lbs if i went out and got an xtsl and i was not going to get a xtsl for 1 lb of rear facing.
 

Mommy2Marcus

New member
Not at all. My 3 year old is FF. He has been FF since he was about 3 years & 3-4 months old. It became really hard for me to get him in & out of my 2 door car while he was RF. He was also begging to be FF like in Daddy's car. So I caved & let him go FF. I douted myself for a bit after I turned him, but now I do not regret it. I know that his seat is properly installed & it is top tethered, so I feel he is perfectly safe.

My goal for RF was 3. We made it. So I feel I did a good job. So if you're ready for him to be FF, then let him.
 

aeormsby

New member
My DD turned FF a couple of months after her 3rd birthday. She had a growth spurt and was within 1-2 lbs of the limit (33lb MA) so we flipped her. At 3 I wasn't going to stress and weigh her daily to make sure I knew exactly when she hit the limit. And I didn't go out and buy a new seat when the 40lb seats came out a few months later either.

You've done AWESOME keeping him RF for this long, and he will be very safe FF because you will have a properly installed & used seat. :thumbsup:
 

flutie128

New member
I will say that my goal is to 3 because I don't think my DH will put up with it much longer. I really want to get to 35 pounds but who knows how old she will be. She is 26 months, 26 pounds with shoes & summer clothes on and about 36 inches tall.
 

SavsMom

New member
You are not a horrible mommy. Like everyone else has said you made it a lot longer than the majority of parents out there :thumbsup: I often times feel the same way as I had to turn my 2 1/2 year old due to her terrible motion sickness (and I tried everything) - I still find myself turning her back rf'ing all the time just to see if she can handle it without throwing up, so far no luck :(
 

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