mommy advice wanted [Archive] - Car Seat.Org - Carseat, Vehicle & Child Passenger Safety Forums

crystal vowell

10-07-2006, 12:25 PM

Since this is a safety forum and everybody has kids can anybone give me some advice?My daughter is 10 months old I am a single mother and my problem is my daughter never gives me a break.Every time I have a day off there is not 1 thing I can do without her screaming and crying bloody murder.My daughter refuses to let anybody else do anything with her while I am present.Today it was nap time and I needed a shower so I put her in her crib to let her cry it out usually she will not go to sleep unless she is rocked. Is this all normal until she reaches a certain age?I am sure it willl get better but how do I do anything in the meantime.Thanks in advance for any suggestions.

becca011906

10-07-2006, 12:47 PM

Lara

10-07-2006, 01:00 PM

Its hard, I know. I'm a single mommy too. My dd did that for a while at about that age. I think its just one of those phases, it will pass. I suggest getting a good carrier so you can have her close to you while you do stuff. I got a babyhawk mei tai (www.babyhawk.com), and it was a life saver for me. I was able to put her on my back and do dishes, clean, basically whatever I wanted without her crying for me. I still use it to this day and she is 29 months. There are patterns out there to make them too, its pretty easy from what I hear (and also would be cheaper.) I would also bring her in the shower with me with a few tub toys. She loved it that, and the toys normally kept her occupied so I coud shower.

Lara

Momma to Kamryn- 29 months, rf in a scenera, soon to be a zebra marathon.

lovinwaves

10-07-2006, 01:18 PM

My dd was never really "attached" to me like that. I always wondered if it was because I never really left her. She is literally with me 24/7. Now my 12 month old boy seems to have more of an "attaching personality"(if that makes sense). He is also with me 24/7 since birth, but if I leave the room he cries like I am leaving him forever. It is frustrating, but hang in there it will get better. I think it also depends on their personality(like in my case). But, lately me and DH have left them here and there for a couple of hours with Memaw and Papa and I have noticed a difference in them. They seemed to be clingey after we got home, but then that went away after a day or so. I feel if she is crying for you, then she needs you. I know it is frustrating, trust me I understand), but just remember how fast they grow up. Every poster above has given some great ideas!! The sling or carrier idea or I bring some toys in the bathroom when I am in the shower. Showers should be peaceful "mommy" times. Not stressful times worrying if your little one is screaming in the other room. I have found I take longer and more stress reliever showers if they are right there playing.

If you are interested in learning more about "attachment parenting", La Leche League has some books on it. You can find them in your local library. In the meantime good luck, and remember YOU are not ALONE! ;) :D

Simplysomething

10-07-2006, 02:19 PM

Is this all normal until she reaches a certain age?I am sure it willl get better but how do I do anything in the meantime.Thanks in advance for any suggestions.

Well, yeah babies are a bit clingy at this age. It will end, eventually. Do you mind if I PM you?

Btw, I'd go absolutely bonkers if it took until age 4 to get my children to go to sleep without help.

(edited the 6 to a 4)

crystal vowell

10-07-2006, 02:20 PM

Sure you can send me a pm I don't mind.

Yoshi

10-07-2006, 02:29 PM

I think it really depends a lot on your baby's personality and whether you are with your child 24/7. Some children are more demanding of your time and attention and others are less so. As they become more mobile, they tend to seek a bit more independence, but if your DD is "clingy" she just may "be" that way- and co-sleeping, sling-wearing, holding them all the time may or may not help you-but certainly if you are up for it- you can give those things a try.

I had two totally different types of kids, so I know what both are like- the demanding ones definitely wear you out and you DO need a break sometimes!

Since you are a single parent, I know it is hard because you need a bit of space sometimes, but you are the center of her universe right now. This will not always be the case. The years really do pass so quickly- my son is now almost 18!!!!! he is going to college next year.

Do you have any single parent support group/network in you area?

gwenvet

10-07-2006, 02:37 PM

It must be so hard to be a single parent with no one to take over when things get rough or even for some alone time to hear yourself think. I am amazed how single parents do it! Attachment parenting was not for me and maybe it's my boys personalities but they have always been confident to explore on their own and to entertain themselves for periods of time. That doesn't help you any but I can suggest a book that I think is brilliant. It's Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child (or something similar) by Dr. Mark Weissbluth. It' an easy read and gives many options of how to do things depending on what camp you fall in, but will give you the tools necessary to help your daughter learn how to fall asleep on her own.
I give this book to all my friends who are having babies, as I truly believe that it is really two gifts in one...one for the babies who learn the gift of good sleep habits for a lifetime and one for the parent who benefits from this and gets more sleep too. From what I've read, heard from friends and learned from having my 2, the longer you wait, the harder it is to get them to be able to sleep on their own. When sleep training, I never let mine cry for more than 20 min and it really only lasts for a few days and gets shorter every day. They learn quickly! Best of luck!

gwenvet

10-07-2006, 03:26 PM

OK, I had to repost because I just put my 12mo down for is afternoon nap and realized that I had given the impression that I just plop him in the crib and say go to sleep. We do have a bedtime routine for naps and nightime, (blottle while rocking for 10-15min, with the quite music on the dark shades drawn and his favorite blankee). He is usually well on his way to sleeping when I put him in the crib but like today he sat back up and looked at me while I said night night and walked out of the room. Then he is able to go to sleep on his own but on occasions when he's not I will go in the room once to say it's time to go to sleep and give him a hug. Worse comes to worse, he will hang out in his crib for a hour of quiet time (not crying) or if he does cry, I will let him cry himself to sleep if he falls asleep within about 20min. I've been told never to punish them by sending them to their beds as it should always be associated with nice things. At some point I really did have to do sleep training with my older one but it really did only take 3-5 days. Good luck again.:)

crystal vowell

10-07-2006, 05:33 PM

lovinwaves

10-07-2006, 05:46 PM

I think my biggest problem is I have to send my dd to daycare 5 days a week.Even with me working 5 days a week I can barely make it I am lucky to get 25 hours a week.I think she just really misses me because she has never met her dad (his choice) & his parents do not care to help me or see their grandaughter.My mom will only watch her 2 days a week max so I can work.

Well, you just have to do whatcha have to do. You are doing everything you can right now for her. Someday later in life she will see that and appreciate that. So just make every minute count when she is with you. Maybe you could have a friend her family member come over for a bit when you need a little "me" time. I have some fam that comes over during the day sometimes for 30 minutes just so I can do laundry, take a shower, or clean out the car. We all need outlets. You need an especially big outlet because you are doing "IT ALL". Again, hang in there and just remember you are there, you are her mother (noone can replace that), and you are doing the best that you can!!!;) Like the above poster said about "stages", she will get older and become more independent. I would rather my children want my attention then not. She obviously loves her mommy and just wants some "snuggles" here and there! :D

Someone above mentioned a support group or mommy group. Maybe you could find a local one where there are some young single mommies going through the same thing you are. I know at least for me, it helps to just know I'm not the only one experiencing these "things". I love talking to other moms so I can relate, and it makes me feel better.

Jeanum

10-07-2006, 06:07 PM

My first baby was very high needs and demanded constant contact/attention and she still tends to be sort of this way at almost age 5. She was a classic case of the high needs baby discussed in the "Fussy Baby Book" by Dr. Sears. The sling/carrier and taking her into the tub/shower were life savers for me or else I would have gone completely bonkers. ;) I'm a SAHM and wore her for naps or napped with her in a recliner until she was over 2 years old, and also rocked her to sleep at bedtime. Any attempt to tuck her into bed awake was futile and miserable for all of us until she was about 2.5. She transitioned to going to sleep on her own basically by telling me "I go to bed myself" and that was that, lol.

Her 15 month old baby sister is much mellower personality-wise but the baby still nurses to sleep for naps and usually stays on my lap or I wear her for naps. Otherwise she won't nap on her own unless she's in the car. She will go down to sleep on her own at bedtime after her last nursing of the evening if nursing hasn't already lulled her to sleep.

I hope you're able to work out something. Baby wearing and accepting any help from extended family were life savers for me. DH travels for work at times and I've had small doses of single motherhood when he's away. As a PP said, just keep in mind that they're only little for a relatively short time and this too shall pass. :)

Kashi

10-07-2006, 06:09 PM

well the way i raise my kids is very AP (attachment parenting) i answer my childrens needs... I also practice lots of natral pareting styles as well. i have three and it can be tricky at times but when i had one it was so much easier! LOL My kids didn't go to sleep on their own till oh lets see ds is 6 so about 4.5 years old. uptill then i would lay with him to get him to sleep... my girls are 4.5 and 2, they still co sleep (sleep in bed with me and dh). My yongest still nurses to sleep at nap and night time. The way i see it if i don't answer my childrens needs as soon as i can and not make them wait it out or cry it out, ect then they will learn that they can depend on me and that is something that will carry through their whole lives. Lets see i delayed vacinating my kids till after their 2nd birthdays, i didn't give them mushed stuff to eat (they started table foods about 11-15months old), I used cloth diapers for about 1.5 years on all of them, i could got on and on but these are just some examples...
I would say at 10 months old and child is still so so so dependent on you especially if you are a single mom...
As for getting things doen in mean time... at 10 months old i coudl only take a showere if i took dd with me, no big deal she needs a bath anyways! LOL also a sling or carrier helped me out a lot, if she wanted to be carried and i needed to do dishes then she was straped on my back...

That sounds very much like our home !

DS started going to sleep on his own somewhere between 2 and 4 years old, but it was a gradual process. Some nights he would, some nights not. It wasn't consistent until very recently, and he still wakes in the night at least a few times a week (at which point, DH goes in with him for the last few hours).

DD - at 2 - still nurses before sleep, and I lay with her. Once the new baby comes, she'll start into the gradual process to falling asleep alone the same way her older brother did too. She comes into the family bed between midnight and 2am pretty much every night right now.

Showering - nope. I take baths, and often have at least one child with me still *lol* I just make sure I wash my hair first, or if I need an alone-time shower, I do it after I know both my kids are asleep.

I would not have survived my children's infancy times without our slings though - as both were very much in-arms babies. They basically lived in arms until they were walking - then it slowed down as they learned to explore.

crystal vowell

10-07-2006, 06:19 PM

What are the best slings for my dd 18 lbs the link to the baby hawk did not work.

lovinwaves

10-07-2006, 07:09 PM

What are the best slings for my dd 18 lbs the link to the baby hawk did not work.

Crystal,

A lady in my Playgroup makes and sells her own slings. I have seen her with her kids in them. Very very neat! I wish I would have had one when my DH and DD were little. My youngest is 20 pounds and quite the handful. She always seem to carry her kids with ease!!

http://www.geocities.com/love_and_cloth/

Lara

10-07-2006, 07:18 PM

http://www.babyhawk.com/ try that one, I think it didn't work because of the parenthesies (sp?). My dd is 28 ish lbs, and I can still comfortably carry her in mine.

Or http://www.kozycarrier.homestead.com/ Here is another awesome mei tai (like the baby hawk).

There is a slight learning curve with the ties and stuff, but once you do it a few times, its easy.

Lara

Momma to Kamryn- rf in a scenera, soon to be zebra marathon

becca011906

10-07-2006, 07:19 PM

Slings i know just a little bit about... there is forum simalar to this www.thebabywearer.com that will give you TONS of links and a review section that will help you out as well... my fav is www.kozycarrier.com but that's a little pricey some times these work well for all day long carry, ect... www.hotslings.com is a good carrier too, for short trips in and out of the store/car/ ect. then there is a ring sling www.zolowear.com that will show you how they look, these again are pricey but you can wear the baby almost all day long w/ little discomfort! HTH!! :)

lodonal65

10-07-2006, 07:23 PM

I also wanted to add that I know how to make Mei Tei carriers myself and as a former single mom ( I know how hard it is!) I would be happy to make one for you for a small fee to cover my materials and time.
I made one for a friend of mine for $25!
Just PM me if you're interested!

UlrikeDG

10-07-2006, 08:50 PM

I haven't read any of the other responses, but I want to say that my DD who was like that actually had food allergies. She was screaming all the time because she was in pain. She was breastfed, so I was able to modify my diet to avoid the allergens. She remained a "high needs" baby, but things got much better.

ajweeks

10-07-2006, 09:03 PM

You can go to http://www.thebabywearer.com/ to learn about different types of slings. They also have a forum where you can ask questions and also buy used slings from people.

I loved carrying my daughter in a ring sling on my hip at that age. Pouches also work well too, but I liked the adjustability of a ring sling. Mei Tais are also nice, but I didn't like tying them all the time. I love my Ergo for carrying her on my back, and I still use this one a lot and she is 2.

Kashi

10-08-2006, 07:22 AM

I love the adjustability of my ring slings (I've got 2), and they are super easy to make if you have a sewing machine and access to the proper rings (do NOT use just plastic).

I've also got a Moby Wrap - that's got a major learning curve, but is nice after you get the hang of it.

I've got a mei tei style carrier, but it's closer to a FrankenKozy as it has the wide shoulder straps. I REALLY liked that when my daughter got a bit older.

And I just found a pouch sling at a consignment store - I think it's going to be easy to use, but I'm not sure I'm going to like having an older child in it - my DD (2 yrs, 27 lbs) was leaning really far out from my body. I can't wait to try it with a newborn though !

Morganthe

10-08-2006, 12:22 PM

Your daughter might also be so clingy and upset because her routine is different for the 2 days she's with you, vs the 5 days she's away. She's not sure what exactly is going on.
Have you talked with your child minder to see what she is like there? Is her personality the same or different there in that atmosphere. If it's calmer, then try to figure out what it is that makes her happier.
Perhaps, if you can set her times up for waking, eating, playing... etc. to something similiar she has the other 5 days it might help her become more secure. Balance things out a bit.
Pat yourself on the back, you're doing the best you can and that's all anyone can ask. It's a lot of hard work doing it all by yourself. Don't let that lack of sleep and constant pressure get you down. You're doing great :D

crystal vowell

10-10-2006, 02:29 PM

Go figure I found a sling I already had just did not know how to use it.The tag says Sling Ezee by Parenting Concepts "Moms Helping Moms" (800)727-3683.Any input on this could I use that to start?

Kashi

10-10-2006, 02:34 PM

http://www.parentingconcepts.com/instructions.html

http://www.thebabywearer.com/

http://s108.photobucket.com/albums/n28/EthelMaeV/Slings/ ---- This one is an album of my kids in thier slings.

crystal vowell

10-10-2006, 02:55 PM

Thanks.Those links helped a lot.I remember now I originally bought that sling from a thrift store for bf in public.I guess I forgot about it becase I tried everything in the book and was depressed becase I could not bf or even pump my milk.Now just to see how my dd likes it.Thanks for sharing your pics.

Kashi

10-10-2006, 02:57 PM

Thanks for sharing your pics.

Not a problem - the slings (I've got quite a sampling of styles of soft carriers) have been a god-send around here. My oldest son is a handful to be polite - I could not have made it through his infancy, or cared for my daughter when she was born - without them.

crystal vowell

10-10-2006, 03:00 PM

Where can you buy the plastic rings to make your own ring sling?

Kashi

10-10-2006, 03:08 PM

Where can you buy the plastic rings to make your own ring sling?

Do NOT buy plastic rings - they can and WILL break.

You can get nylon rings for a reasonable price at slingrings.com though - that's where I bought mine.

If you make your own, be VERY consciencious about your stitching, as that is what will hold the weight of your child. You need LOTS of stitches, and strength.

It's not difficult - and the ones I've made have held up for at least 3 years (I made my own, and some for friends as well) without a single stitch giving way. In fact - the fabric is wearing out on my sling now, but the rings and stitches are still great *lol*

skaterbabscpst

10-10-2006, 06:07 PM

You can also buy both nylon and steel rings from http://www.elizabethlee.com - and if you really want to go the frugal route, you can get steel rings from the construction supply section of your local hardware store. I bought 3" rings rated to hold 300 lbs and they only cost a couple of dollars.

vamom

10-11-2006, 01:04 AM

I too am a single mom to a high needs 3.5 year old. As other posters have mentioned, a sling is a godsend. I also used a backpack for things like cooking and mowing, and just to rearrange the weight for a change. For bathtime (I prefer showers) I bought one of those inflatable tubs (mine is a duck) and placed it in the back of the tub, while I showered in the front. My ds loved playing in it. Now he just plays in the tub or tries to hog the shower, although I sometimes shower when he is asleep. He is a light sleeper and gets really upset if I am not there when I wake up. I seem to remember him going through an especially needy phase when he was 9 or 10 months old. I just tried to honor that he needed more for whatever reason (not an easy task, mind you), focused on how precious my time with him was, and waited for this too to pass. We are in a two year custody battle, and he has severe seperation anxiety, along with sensory integration issues, so it can get quite overwhelming at times. I find alot of solice in taking a step back and just trying to enjoy him. Let what ever you can go and just enjoy your child in the moment.

I also used to watch several children. One of the babies spent 2-3 days with me and 1-2 days with each gm. There was no consistancy between each of her caregivers. At 8-9 months she really became unhappy. She cried all the time and was very "clingy". She only wanted to be held, and frankly, still was not that happy. I truly believe she was having trouble with bouncing between caregivers. I am not a schedule person, but I think children, especially babies, really look for consistancy. I am sure that you are doing the best that you can in what must be a difficult situation. I would follow previous posters recommendations to check in with her other caregivers and see how she is doing there and what their day is like. I also know that my friend who is a teacher has a tough time with her kids when she is off for holidays - they just seem to really cling more to her for a while when she has been home with them.

Good luck

Simplysomething

10-11-2006, 12:21 PM

I do not think that mowing with a kiddo in tow is a good idea, safety wise.

crystal vowell

10-11-2006, 12:30 PM

Don't worry I would never be caught wearing my dd while mowing.My dad has a riding lawn mower & he does all the yard work.

melaniev

10-11-2006, 02:02 PM

ya i only mow when theres someone to watch the kids inside. im paranoid about that.

i know a girl who is single with 3 kids, but she house-shares with her sister and her 2 kids. they work opposite shifts (one in retail, one as a nurse's aide). their arrangement, it really works for them and has for years, makes me long for a sister! ;)

i wonder if something like that would work with an unrelated roommate. im really not sure though. its so hard living with people (for me anyway). best of luck to you. rest assured, it WILL get easier. that age till about 3 1/2 was the hardest for me, getting gradually easier from then on.

papooses

10-12-2006, 05:33 PM

*Ugh* my darned computer -- I totally posted a LONG response full of ideas before & my compy blanked out on me, didn't post it & then wouldn't let me get back online :mad: Anyway, if I remember, for single mom house-sharing search results for "CoAbode" should reveal something....

Also, I've been a single mom since Leila was a baby -- not easy, especially since I've also been in college. But, I worked for my parents & had their support. Mostly financialy + they babysat once or twice a week for me to study. Studying takes up a lot more time than that, though, LOL! As does the house chores! I discovered something about myself early on: my sanity & peace of mind is more important than the chores & Leila's happiness is also more important than the chores :) One of my favorite quotes = "Cleaning the house while the kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk while the snow is still falling" :p I did a few things to help get the chores done, though, because I also had 2 dogs (hair galore!).... I wore Leila in a sling while doing safe chores I gave Leila "jobs" to do with me (dry mop with a blankey & baseball bat, wash the windows & mirrors & sinks & tubs with washcloth & water, sort the laundry while I put it in the wash, set the table with plastic dishes, etc.) I slept when she slept I studied while she slept I set aside the same time each day to devote to just her I set aside the same time each day to devote to just me I focused on 1 room per day I maintained the same order of routine each day I taught myself to develop the unusal for me habit of cleaning as I went instead of letting stuff pile up I would use a stop watch to race against my own best times to get the job doneDo you have any support from family & friends that you can put to greater use?